What a dream

I guess I want a baby more than I thought. HA! Last night I had a dream and somehow reproduced with an ex-boyfriend, (Which by the way was the scariest part of the dream.) I am not even sure how the reproduction process took place, but it happened, and somehow within a very small time frame, My daughter jumped from newborn to three year old very quickly, and the "father" was not involved.

But Oh was she gorgeous, and the vision of her stays fresh in my mind. She had thick dark brown hair, and big green round eyes. Pale complexion and the most fabulous freckles sprinkled across her nose and cheeks, and when she smiled her eyes twinkled and my heart stopped. She made faces that looked so much like Peanut, and I spent most of my dream just staring at her, and feeling an overwhelming amount of love! At one point she told me I was beautiful like a princess, and I told her she looked like Snow White.

I woke up during the dream, and felt crushed. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream, like so many of us do. It was like she was a part of my life I have been missing!

And now i get to go to a baby shower, with another pregnant friend, and celebrate something that I never get to do again! It is exhaustively defeating. I try to keep telling myself that I have gotten to experience the wonders of pregnancy and child birth, and for that i should just consider myself lucky and blessed. I love my children, and being their mother couldn't be anymore of a blessing. They are kind and loving, and empathetic, and amazing, and I am so grateful for them, and the time I get to spend with them. Is it selfish for me to want another? To have feelings of sadness?

Though I honestly can say, even as I feel like this I am still not angry at Husband, but its hard. I always thought, IF I was going to have children, I would have two girls and a boy. And I am left with an incomplete family. How do you get over this?