Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Special Moms

        As any of you "special needs" parents out there know, some days are far more easier than others. I mean for the most part, everyday is just another special day with the amazing gift you were blessed with. But there are other days that make your heart heavy and break for that amazing child.  For me, today is one of those days. Its funny, for five years now, I have known that my little SweetFace was something extra special. I walk around talking about his suspected dyslexia, as if it were nothing. I am sure that by my words, and actions, it has looked like I have totally accepted what we have been dealt with, and I am ok with it. Most days, I am. But today I opened the mail, and in it, found a package containing SweetFaces newest evaluation. Through my tears, I read how he was struggling, and because of his language disorder he appears to be in a low average range. I read through the entire 18 pages with a breaking heart, and for Sweet Face, and if I had to be honest, for myself, and Husband. No one wants to know that their child isn't "normal." Husband has struggled more than I have, but it is still so hard and lonely at times.
        As I sat and read this evaluation, I longed to call someone, to talk it out, to have someone understand what I was going through, but then I think, it could be so much worse, but should that thought make everything ok? Well, it doesn't. Because the sweetest boy I will ever have the pleasure of knowing, will spend the majority, if not all of his life struggling to succeed in school, and work. Because the kindest person, let alone kid, will spend so much of his life being made fun of and tormented, and bullied, because he doesn't talk like the rest of the kids. Because if he doesn't already know it, someday he is going to realize how different he is, and have to figure out a way to overcome insecurities. And to top it all off, like that isn't enough, he's four sizes bigger than most kids his age, and looks older, so the torment gets worse, especially with his glasses, allergies, eczema, and asthma.
        What do we as parents do? We can only tell them how great they are. Pray for them, and watch as they experience life through their "special needs" tinted glasses.
         And selfishly I think about how, when I signed up to be a parent, this isn't what I thought I would be getting into. I know those feelings don't seem right, but they are true, and they are there. I understand how some parents just live in a world of denial, because it probably is easier than facing the truth. But what then are we doing to help that said child?
          I know that Sweet Face's challenges are not a curse. I think that someday God is going to use it for amazing things. I know that God has a great purpose for him, and dyslexia, plays a big part. I know that it seems like I shouldn't have too much to be upset about, but dyslexia is more than backwards letters, its reasoning and understanding. In fact, it resembles autism, or ADD, but with the added struggle of not being able to read well. Or talk well. Or even remember your friend's or cousin's or aunt's or uncle's names. How frustrating that must be. It is waking up everyday, and not wanting to read because you feel stupid. It is not understanding the rules to something and getting in trouble because you didn't realize you couldn't do that, and feeling like a bad kid. It's interrupting your teacher several times with a question, because you didn't realize she was with someone else, and by the time she;s done you will have forgotten what you needed anyway. It's like being seven and having the first developments of Alzheimer's, except.... you feel stupid, and you don't remember what it was like to be normal, because you never were.
           And as his mother, all I can do fight for his rights, and his help, but some days it is so hard to that, because I still have to accept who he really is. I have to wake up and accept it daily. It does not come naturally, but it is something I have to do. I have remind his father, and grandparents, that he doesn't understand, or worry when he plays baseball, because the coach will think he is bad, instead of just not understanding. Or his first day on the bus, or school. Will he be marked as a kid with behavioral issues instead of them trying to understand that he doesn't understand. Or worry about the day that his baby sister of three years, is going to realize that he's different and how to handle that situation. My heart breaks for him every time a kid is mean to him and he doesn't understand what he did. Or worse when an adult is.
         But I have to remember how great Sweet Face is, and how his dyslexia doesn't make him who he is. It doesn't define him. That whether we knew what the problems were or not, he would still be him, and I would still love him the same. That God is going to make this great, and my job is to remember that, to remind Sweet Face that, and to let God have him. To walk in His strength, and to raise Sweet Face the right way, disabilities or not. And reading those reports, only remind me, how special he is, and delicate. It reminds me of the type of parent I  need to be with him. And I have to remember even on my loneliest days, though there aren't a lot of people who can understand exactly what I am going through, not even Husband, I do have the Lord to lean on.
    So I will dry my eyes, and hope that this reaches anyone who has ever felt the same way. Lean on God and His strength, and you and your child will make it through. We aren't alone, we are the luckiest ones, because we learn to be more patient, to be more understanding, and loving. And we have them, and God... Thank God for that!