One day a good friend of mine's grandmother diedm and for some reason she had nothing to be buried in, so we went ot the local Goodwill to seek out a dress. While looking, I happened to notice this huge, white, ruffly, wedding dress. It had fabric everywhere, long sleeves and a mock neckline. I looked at Assie and said, "I need to try this on" And it fit as if it were made for me! I put a call into my mother to see what she thought, and we decided to buy that $80 wedding dress.
By the time Husband came home, I had a wedding date planned in three months, at the church where we had both been baptized. The date was three months away from then, and though my parents wanted me to wait I was determined to make it work. I informed Husband of our nuptial date, time, and location, and he just smirked and said, "whatever>" (He later told me, that after asking for three years he never thought I Was REALLY going to go through with it.)
Tons of planning and money saving ideas were to follow. People made promises that were never kept, and then we had even more last minute things to change. I was told at one point, that Halmune, (My husband's grandmother) would make the bridesmaid dresses, and then a month before the wedding she decided she wasn't, so we had to find a place that could rush an order of bridesmaid dresses in a month. During this time I also had ripped apart my dress and added this straps.
The night before the wedding at the rehearsal, there was a fight. And I cancelled the wedding. The details aren't that important, mostly because I don't want to offend anyone that might (doubtfully) read this someday! But I had enough. It wasn't really anything Husband had done, but I didn't want to deal with my in laws treating me like a second class citizen forever. Before meeting Husband I have never seen a family quite like there's before, and at this point I wasn't sure I wanted to be anymore part of it, as I already was.
However, my two married older cousins, insisted it was nerves, and that everyone felt this way the day before. I responded that maybe they shouldn't have gotten married either. But eventually the show did go on! But not with out it's drama.
Now, I don't want to get into many details of the wedding because that actually is NOT the point I am trying to make here. But the wedding day came, and though a little excited I was more afraid. I felt in my gut that this was a huge mistake, and I had that feeling since the three month time frame started. I was waiting for someone to tell me it was ok not to go through with it. That I Was crazy if I married him. ANYTHING! We had so many problems, and getting married wasn't going to fix any, just make it worse. What was I dong? So standing in front to the doors to the room I was about to face my soon to be Husband, I started to panic. Dressed, hair done an looking fabulous, I thought I might vomit. I wanted to run out. I probably would have if I hadn't known that my little Sweet Face wasn't standing in there waiting. I looked at my mom, and said, "Do you think this is a mistake?" She shrugged her shoulders, opened the door, and said, "You can always get divorced!" And started down the aisle.
At the time, that was what I needed to hear. I relaxed, was relieved and thought about those words. "i can always get divorced. If this is horrible, I can just leave."
The nuptials were fine, and Sweet Face joined the ceremony halfway through. I don't remember what I actually said as wedding vowels, I guess because I don't think I meant them, not deep down. The reception was almost a disaster, but that is a story for another time! But Husband and I left, relaxed and married.
But I kept that, "I can just get divorced" attitude in my marriage for a long time. We had so many problems for the first two years. Problems that should have been avoided. And most of the time I wasn't doing anything wrong, but when I finally realized that my attitude was what would make the difference. I wasn't serious about it. And it showed. I was NOT in my marriage until death do us part. I was not in my marriage for the long haul. I wasn't willing to do what it takes to make it work, because I didn't think I was the problem. If Husband did something I didn't like I left. I could not see our marriage working any longer than two years.
It wasn't until I really took the time and realized how awful my attitude was, that things began to change for the better. I had to realize that I, not anyone else, but I made a commitment to Husband, I made a promise to God, and my children, that I was going to do whatever it takes to make it work, and I owed it to them to keep that promise. It was hard to let go of my independence or my bad attitude, but it was worth it!
Husband and I made it married five years this year. We didn't do anything big or fancy to celebrate, but we knew how big of a deal it was. Five years, and for the first time we both feel like we are going to make it. We can picture our future together! I don't know how Husband really felt on our wedding day, but I did not take it seriously. And we are talking about renewing our vowels for that reason! "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protect, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 " And now these three remain:faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13
If I had gone into my marriage with these verses in mind, maybe it wouldn't have been such a struggle. And this is something, I have to remind myself of daily. Husband and I have out a lot of work into our family, marriage, home, and there is lots more to be done. But equipped with God and his word it becomes easier to face!
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