I need this today!

Deliver me out of the saddness

Deliver me from all of the madness

Deliver me courage to guide me

Deliver me Your strength to guide me

All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring

Deliver me giving and sharing

Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the One to pull me through

All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the One to pull me through

Oh deliver me

Oh deliver me

Oh deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

How I proved You o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus Precious Jesus

Deliver me

Come and pull me through

Come pull me through



growing

            Most of us, as we grow, look to our past with longing hearts. Life as a single 21 year old, looks rather appealing to a stay at home mother of two, or the father that works 40 plus hours a week to come home to screaming kids, and a nagging wife, or the single mom, or father. Or really anyone. We look to our past as a time of sweet remembrance of freedom, and irresponsibility. We remember how great it was to be popular, good looking, funny, and the life to every party. Or at least I did.
           For a long time I was completely dissatisfied with the life I got. I looked back to high school and being twenty one with such longing it killed me. I couldn't picture my future, because I was wishing to be someone I used to be. I wasn't happy with responsibility, or being a wife forever. I didn't even really want to improve the life I was living, because I just wanted to go back to the life I had lived.
           I could see how lucky I should feel, but my heart never seemed to line up with my mind. I held onto the things that brought me back to that time, notes, gifts, memorabilia, and especially, music.
          I don't know about you, but I can listen to a certain song and it can take me back to a specific time period in my life, and for a brief moment, I can remember what it felt like to be that person. I could almost smell the air of the season that song reminded me of, and see so vividly the memory it sparked. I would get lost in music. And music has helped me through many things in my life.
          Blind Melon's "Change" Made me see how "if life is hard, you have to change" I remember hearing those lines, as if it were the first time and having the revelation of how true that was. That I was my very own enemy, and I sabotage myself. Or Lynard Skynard's Freebird. I remember driving down the road and that song came on, and I realized that the guy I was seeing was never going to change, he was going to always live his life, like he was missing something. He was always going to party, and I didn't want that for my life. So it was time to end our relationship, even though I loved him. Or listening to Rusted Root, can take me back to a concert I have been to where I felt so free, and pure, while I danced around and twirled like the free spirit, I thought I was! Jack Johnson reminds me of driving around Moraine Stat Park, checking out the scenery on a beautiful fall day. Or Chris Tomlin's Our God is Greater, reminds me of all the times I realized how true that statement is, and if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, than what could stand against?" I remember the laying in bed, sobbing because I never thought Husband was ever going to be saved and the devil was pushing me so hard, that I almost gave up, and then that song came on my mp3 player, and I sang it loud, through bursting sobs, and felt the empowerment of God! Or the time at Friday Night Fire, when I realized the power in those lines and what they really meant! That I can conquer anything, I never have to be afraid, because God is on my side! (Obviously I found practicing that a little more difficult! But it is coming!)
          Last night I was invited to go to a concert, that I would have really enjoyed a few years ago, but do to an impending migraine, I had to decline the invitation. Funny thing is, as soon as I told my friend, I didn't think I was going to make it, I started to feel better, right away. It occurred to me, that going to that concert, probably wouldn't have been as fun as it once was. I am not that person anymore. I don't really enjoy that music anymore. But it isn't really even about the music, the band, the people I would have seen. That part f my life is over. I am not the same person. I have grown up, I have changed.  A good Saturday night to me is spending time with my kids, and thinking about my future! I am totally ok with letting that part of me go.. It took sometime to come to this point, but looking back, I am so glad I have. How can we ever be happy in our lives if we are constantly wishing we were somewhere else? If we are always looking behind us, we will NEVER be able to see where we are going.  Some may call me lame, and that is ok. I am thirty years old, I am a mother, and a wife. I am a christian, and I spend my life now, trying to be pleasing to God. I can for the first time picture my future, and if that is boring, that;s ok with me. I have come to a point in my life, where I am glad to see the past in the past! I hope everyone gets to this place! And once again, I can attribute music, and God, to another memory and standpoint in my life. Only this time, it was not listening to the music that made the difference! By not going, I realized how happy and secure I am with my life and the person I am today!
        

sigh

        Today is more of a struggle. It took a lot of panic and praying to get out of bed this morning. I've never felt more alone. I know that I have all this love around me, but I feel trapped, like a prisoner to fear. It controls every move I make. I want this to be over so badly, I can't breath. I feel insane, and sick. I am so afraid to go to sleep at night, because then I have to wake up and face another day!
        Today I have to leave the house. And be gone most of the day. I just want to crawl back into my bed, and have Husband hold me, and take care of me, and tell me, I never have to leave again. But I do.
         You know when you are in a dark room after watching a scary movie, and you hear a noise? That feeling you get? That;s the best way I can describe, how I feel ALL the time. Before I eat, or sleep, or leave. While I am watching T.V. or reading. The only thing that brings any comfort is finding Bible verses that address fear, and strength, and peace, and worry.
          I keep telling myself that this will be over soon, then I cry out to God to take it now! I can't handle it. Then I realize I am not supposed to be the one handling it. That I can hide in him.
          It's a constant battle between me, Satan, me, and God, and me. I feel useless to everyone around me.  Especially the kiddos. All I can do is pray that God will shield there hearts, so that they don't remember this time of struggle, and that it doesn't effect them in a negative way, and then I have to expect that he will honor that prayer!
           I do feel Him in all of this. And I know that I am doing what He wants. I just wish it could be faster, and over. I just want to feel normal. But I have to keep pushing myself. And remember what he tells us to do. "Cast your cares unto the Lord and he will sustain you!" Psalm 55:22  "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14 and I need to keep confessing with my mouth, what the end result is!
             "I am free from fear. I am free from worries, and all anxiety. I can eat without fear. I am healthy and healed. My headaches and stomach troubles are gone. I am a better person, mother, friend, wife, daughter, and Christian. I laugh hard, and love harder. I am generous and free. I am closer to our Lord Jesus, and we have an amazing relationship. I am at peace, when people see me, they wonder what my secret is. I am God's light, bright and illuminating, ready to do His work, without any fear or reservations.
            I kiss my children without panic of their germs. I hug them, only feeling their joy and love. I spend quality time with them, enjoying the little time I have with them as kids, instead of fearing what they may or may not have picked up, or feeling sick, because I am worried, and having to go to bed. I am free. I enjoy my Husband, and his company. I am one with God, and I feel His hand on everything I do. I hear Him without question, and I obey. I realize that this was never my battle because Jesus already won. He defeated Satan, and sin, and fear and illness, when he died on the cross for ME. When He rose again, for ME. He loves ME. He chose ME, and he answers ME! I have Jesus on my side, and nothing could defeat me. He i fighting this battle, and he picks me up BEFORE I fall!"
                   And I have to remember that "Those who sow in tears, will reap songs of joy!" Psalm 126:5
                                    There WILL be lots of songs of joy!

            There was a time, not too far from now, when I thought my biggest sin to over come was gossip. Listening, spreading, talking negatively about people, complaining, etc. etc. etc... Recently I have discovered that my biggest sin to conquer is the sin of worry, anxiety, and fear. "that's not a sin" was my first reaction in the unveiling of my treachory. I can't help it. I was born a worrier. and it isn't even a big deal, who i am I hurting by worrying? I have always worried! 
              And that's true. For as long as my memory goes I worried. I worried about my parents, about my younger sister, I worried about nightmares, school, germs, other people, money, grades... Even more recently I worry about getting sick. No not terminal illness, though that is a concern, but it is vomiting, catching a cold... Just not feeling well. I am parlayzed by this fear. 
              I haven't eaten in weeks, which causes me not to feel well. I can't sleep, because I am too consumed with the fear of waking to get sick. I am actually AFRAID to eat, because it will make me sick. I don't want to make any commitments because I am afraid I will be sick that day. I don't want to leave the house, because I don't ant to get sick while I am out, and then be stuck in Walmart, with no way home. I am afraid to be alone, because if I get sick, I can't take care of my children, or myself. I have barely cleaned, or done laundry. I pretty much lay in bed, clutching my bible and crying.
            Yesterday I even woke up and wasn't going to go to church. I didn't feel good, and was afraid. I don't even know of what at that point. Just afraid.  But even in my haze I know that if you don't feel like going to church, that's when you should be there the most!  SO I called my sweet niece because I knew she could talk me into going, and I dragged myself out of bed, and tried to eat. Though it took me an hour to finish a small apple, and a half an hour to get down a bowl of soup, I did eat something. I packed a few chamomile tea bags into my pocket and made my way to church with the kiddos. (Husband was already there, it was his first day as an usher! ;)) We pulled in, and I was feeling pretty good! The devil wasn't going to keep me from church that was for sure! And as I walked in, I was consumed with fear, and feelings of depression.  And then the tears came.
                  Of course my tears were welcomed with sympathetic hugs, and love, but I feel stupid. Husband found me and kissed me, and told me he was glad I was here! And held me for a bit. The Pastor showed me bible scriptures, and friends held me up, and I saw God's love, and his strength in the people I call family!
              When church was over, i finally did eat, and went home.I was exhausted from crying, and not sleeping and I just wanted to lay down. Husband curled up beside me, and told me that he was going to be there for me. He was sorry for all the times he wasn't there for me, but he is taking this as a lesson for him too. He is going to be there, and we are going to be closer, and that he wants me to be the man God wants him to be, the man I NEED him to be! 
                   Now if I have to be real, and I promised I would be. Husband hasn't really been there for me, and him even saying it, meant a lot, but he has been trying to help. So it is a big deal. I went to bed feeling pretty good....
              Then the morning came. My stomach began to hurt and I panicked. The rest of this day can be better said in an email I sent to a dear friend of mine 

 I have to admit that I am really struggling, and I keep going back to the verse that says  "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

                I say that over and over again, while I pull myself out of bed. Through all of this, a few good things have happened. I'm only 7 lbs away from my goal weight, lol. I quit drinking coffee, because I was worried it would be too hard on my belly! And I know that when this is over, SOON, that my life and my families life is going to be amazing. My tears are going to turn into songs of joy. There has been a lot of tears, and I EXPECT even more joy!

                    I don't know why I laid all that on you. I guess because you listened.... Once again, I don't think I was in charge of the typing. I am not used to talking about things, like this. Not really. Complaining, I'm good at that, but this is different. I guess God is preparing me for all sorts of things. I can see that this is bringing Greg and I closer. That it is putting Him into a stronger role as leader. I only hope that when it gets hard for him he finds help and support and strength that he needs. I know that I will be able to help my children, and other children deal with their fears, and worries. I know that Jesus and I are going to be closer than we ever were before. I know that this battle, is going to be won, because Jesus is in me, and he already won when he rose from the grave! "If our God is for us (me) than what could ever stop us (me). And if our God is with us (me, than what could stand against?"

                                  Thanks You, even if you don't care, or want to hear about it, thanks for doing it anyways. I think this is going to open a lot of friendships for me too. I guess its good to look vulnerable, sometimes. See, I am learning a lot already! Praise God! I don't think this is going to last for years, because I don't fight with God often. I want more than anything to please him, and I am willing to do whatever he wants me to do! I fell him, even in this. I know he is here, spreading his love on me, no matter what the devil tries to tell me. I feel his love and his security, and each day gets a little easier.... I even vacuumed the floor today, and did a load of laundry. That's the first time in a long time! It sounds dumb, but it was so empowering. I guess because I know that with God, I can do it. I can over come, and I know, I have always known that He will never give me more than I can handle. This time I need to do it in His strength, not my own! It's going to be good. I do know that much! 

Point is, what I am going through his horrible, I can't even pretend it isn't, but I know that I am going to make it. That I can make it with His strength. It is time for me to let go, and let him take control! And I realize that this battle has already been won. And that as long as I can hide myself in our Lord and savior, I will be fine! He is the greatest armor, I will ever need! 

          I hope that any one who might be struggling, remembers these things, and in my struggles I will continue to remember these. Even if every morning starts out, my days get better and easier. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I am giving that worry to God. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34. 

         But for today, I am going to cast my cares on the Lord. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Leave comments please

              Recently Husband and I had a conversation about how to improve our marriage, and what we needed from each other. I told him that I think it is very important to find out not only who we are as individuals in Christ, but who we are meant to be in our marriage. At a quick glance, it looks like an unfair match, and the husbands win. There are many woman, I( think it is safe to say, most woman) Who have a real issue with the idea of "submitting to your husband" So many people take these verses out of context, and use it in evil ways. What my goal is here, today, is to learn what YOU think submitting to your husband means. What does it mean to you, and your marriage? Of course, all sexes, and marital statuses are welcome! I would truly appreciate it if you left comments on this post for all to see! And it would help me continue my journey, personally, to becoming a better person, wife, and mother! Thank you!                                                                                          update on comments. I guess it is not so easy to leave any comments, so if you would like to help me, and give me a piece of your advice. Feel free to send me an email. You can email me at EGToner@zoominternet.net. Thank you! And God Bless

BAby blues????????

             When Husband and I met, I was 21, almost 22, I had five nephews, and I was an amazing Aunt. And to be perfectly honest, that's all I ever wanted to be. I was happy working and spoiling those kids. But Husband talked nonstop about having babies of his own. 
              Husband and I met in January, and by June we were pregnant. This is not the way I recommend doing things, especially at such a young age. We barely knew each other realistically, and now we were bringing another person into our mess. 
              Both living at home we decided to get an apartment together, and we soon moved in. Things got terrible, and though I don't want to go into specifics, because that is not actually what this post is about, I have to say, I was stuck in an awful situation and felt like there was no way out. I had made the decision, whether by accident or not, I chose to have this baby with this man, I barely knew. Don't get me wrong, I loved Husband, or at least what I thought I knew of him, but it got difficult fast!
                In nine months I had lost my self, my body, my mind, and my world to this growing child inside of me. I didn't feel excited, or proud, I just wanted him out, so I could be me again! 
               The story of Sweet Faces birth is irrelevant, but if you want to read about it, it is on a earlier post. The time I spent after he was born is what matters. When he was born he had extra fluid in his lungs and I couldn't see him for eight hours after giving birth. A nurse had shown me a photo, and he was the scariest thing I had ever seen. At 6lbs 7 oz, and 22 inches long, he had no fat what so ever, not even a but, and his eyes took up three fourths of his face, and they were black. He was covered in dark thick hair, and just wasn't all that cute!
               When I finally did get to hold him the first time, I remember thinking that I loved him, and it was neat that I gave birth, but there was NO connection. I was by no means IN love with him, and I began to feel guilty.
               Any of you parents out there know that babies are hard enough to take care of, with all the crying, and pooping and eating, and not sleeping unless you are awake, imagine doing that and not being in love. It quickly turned into post partum depression.
             Husband was no help, and didn't even seem like he was interested in this baby at all, and I was stuck with him, every single second of every single day. I hadn't showered in what felt like weeks, because I didn't know what to do with him, I was SO tired, and I just wanted his real mom to come and pick him up, because I couldn't take it anymore.
             That was when I started drinking. (Don't worry, I had already quit trying to breast feed, and did carry some guilt for that as well) I would wake up in the morning, take care of Sweet face; feed him, change him, dress him, and then I would make myself a drink. I don't remember ever get drunk, just stayed buzzed throughout the day. I guess to cope. I spent everyday like that for about two, maybe three weeks, when I realized I was doing the very thing, I swore I would NEVER. I wasn't being a good mother, I was barely living, and Husband, was just making things worse. So I packed up all of our stuff, and moved in with my mother, and stopped drinking.
             It was then that I truly realized what was going on. I contemplated very seriously, giving Sweet Face up for adoption. His dad, was a loser who refused to stop partying, and I didn't have a job, or a degree, and wasn't even sure I loved him enough, and was coming to understand that I couldn't give this sweet boy the life that he deserved. Sometimes being a good parent, is admitting that you can be the kind of parent that innocent child needs or deserves, and you have to make the right choice to let someone else have the chance.
            I felt hopeless, and tired, and I wanted someone to love him right. Someone who could take care of him. I loved him enough to want that. I knew that I loved him, I just didn't really like him, and I didn't want him to grow up like that. I have seen what that can do to people, and I wanted to make the right decision for him.
            Someone very close tome, had given up a child for adoption, and I had grown up seeing the pain and anguish that can cause. I didn't want that for myself, so I talked to that person about it, and made my decision. Of course I decided to keep Sweet Face. I thought that if I got help for my post partum, maybe things would be different, and I at least owed it to him to try it.
            By God's grace, and I do believe that is what it was, the next time I had to feed Sweet Face, I picked him up , and stared at him. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the very love I had been missing. I realized that I was here on this earth to bring this wonderful person into the world, and it was then I realized how special he was! After that, I had spent everyday falling deeper and deeper in love with this boy. My life became so consumed by him, that it brinked
          And almost seven years later, I am still obsessed with that sweet boy. There hasn't been a single day that I regretted my decision to keep him. He is smart, and beautiful. He has the kindest heart I have ever known, and even in all the struggles we have had to face with him, and his health, and dyslexia, and bad teeth, and any other problems, is all worth it. I feel completely blessed to just know this kid, let alone to have him as a part of my life! But I am so HONORED that God chose me to be his momma! 
             Post partum depression is a real and serious problem, and I got lucky! Some women have gotten so bad that they have hurt their children, or worse. It isn't a joke, and it doesn't make you bad  mother. What does make a difference is whether you admit it, and get help for it, determines what kind of parent you are. It's a common problem, and there is help out there. What I did forget to mention was that, though I started to fall in love with my Sweet Face, I still got help! I took anti depressants until I felt better, and got counseling. Th fact that I was willing to do whatever it took to feel better, so that I could be the parent he deserved is what made me a good parent. Feeling that way didn't determine my ability, making the right choices for him did!
              If you or someone you know is struggling with post partum depression or depression of any sort, I urge you to get help, and if you ever need someone to talk to, stranger or not. I am open to that!  There is a national website on PPD at http://www.postpartum.net  1*800*944*4PPD.
       I hope this helps, any of you! Please know that you are not alone! Good luck, God Bless, and know that you are loved!