Great mom, bad wife

          The more I think about my marriage, past and present. The more I realize, though I am a loving and dedicated mother, the same could not be said about being a wife. According the the biblical principals of marriage, the spouse is to go before the children. I am a far way from that. If I were to be honest... I don't even know if I treat them equally. 
           I am not exactly sure what being a good wife entails at this point, but I am positive that I am not now or ever have been a good one. I don't even love Husband unconditionally. I don't love him with a Godly love, the kind that is spoken about in the bible. If I came home everyday to someone I felt didn't love me enough, I would not only become angry and bitter, but I would give up. Love... Unconditional love is the greatest gift we could give one another.
            Instead of spending the last nine years afraid of what marriage meant to who I was, I should have been embracing what it meant for us. The original design for marriage was simple.. To intertwine yourselves with one another, to become one  unity. Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one." No matter what Husband says or how he acts, I know that it is my job to remember this. To love him the way God intended, the way we are instructed in ! Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
             The feminist part of me gets in the way of truly understanding what a good wife is to be, according to the Word, and I hope to someday figure out, and apply it my dear Husband, but nothing could block what this verse says tome. That this is the way we are to love one another, especially our spouses. We love our children in this way, not our partners as well? If I could apply this love to my marriage, to Husband then I am sure the rest will fall in place, or be revealed. For now this all I can handle, I am sure, and Abba knows! So I will spend sometime every day exclaiming this verse over myself! "I am patient, I am kind. I do not envy, I do not boast, I am not proud. I am not rude, I am not self-seeking, I am not easily angered, I keep no record of wrongs. I do not delight in evil but I rejoice with the truth. I will always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. I will never fail." 

October 24, 2007

   " Weds. October 24, 2007
             Dear God, 
                I know it is... I don't know awful, I guess, but there's not much about Husband I like anymore. He's so selfish and it effects so many parts of our lives. He's not supportive, he's not a very good husband or father. He love us, but I think its only because of the way we make him feel.I don;t think that I can be happy with him forever. I wish I had realized this before. He doesn't do anything I ask him to do, not without begging him. He barely takes care of Sweet Face. I don't get any sleep. He doesn't support me or my dreams. In fact I feel like he holds me back. I feel like a single mother, only I don't have to work. Is that what marriage is? I feel like a slave, and I have to be honest, I wasn't cut out for this. I don't know how to bring it up and I am not even sure it would be worth it. He'd be a jerk, we would fight, and I would be hurt. There are some days where I am so miserable. The thought that I might have cancer someday, and he would have to take care of me; it petrifies me. I could never depend on him.  And the kids would never be taken care of. What am I doing? I really am so lost and confused. What do I do? I guess I should just go about my business and accomplish my dreams and maybe he will jump on board or maybe I will find the strength to leave. I need to learn how to make myself happy. Me and my kids should be my focus. Help me Lord, help me accomplish all the things I want and be the best parent I can be. Help me Lord, please! "   


 Just three days after our first wedding anniversary, I made this entry in my journal. A year into our marriage and I was ready to give up... I read this entry now, and see that it is full of accusations and things that I wanted. Not once did I mention what Husband may have needed. Not once did I stop to question what I was doing, or even that wanting to follow my own dreams, may have been selfish. My desire for self gratitude, could have very possibly and realistically, destroyed my marriage.The things I said about Husband were true at the time, but I was to blame as well. My attitude, if nothing else, had a huge impact on Husband's. If nothing he was to ever do was satisfactory, why would he bother to continue to try...

I am proud, and grateful to say that today, just a few days away from our six year anniversary, I can see how much of our struggle was some of my fault, and I continue to try, through God's grace and His strength to improve myself. Husband and I are more in love than we have ever been. Though our marriage by no means is perfect, my journal entries are usually laced with much more gratitude and love. I am lucky to have a man like Husband, someone who I could grow close to God with, and someone who always wanted to work  on our relationship. Someone who has always loved me, sometimes more than I deserved! 

What a difference God can make in a marriage, if we choose to let Him not only in, but control it!

P.S. I love you Husband, and I am so proud of the man you have become, and the couple we are!

Me + JESUS = BFF

            A few weeks ago, I was at a conference in Erie, PA. The word for the weekend was self righteousness. At first I heard the word and it went in one ear and out the other, but as the weekend continued the Holy Spirit revealed, how self- righteous I have been in my walk with Christ.
            When I was first saved I had a strong desire to be closer to God. I did what the bible said, and what people suggested. I flooded my life in God's word, and studied and prayed and learned, and longed for more. I got closer to the Lord, and continued to do all the "right" things. Then the closeness just stopped. So much happened in my life, and the stress of the enemies moves, weighed heavily on my life. I hadn't felt the power of the Holy Spirit in months, and the closeness I once felt with Jesus Christ was gone. I still loved him and wanted more, but my actions and words, and studying, didn't seem to be enough! For awhile I blamed it on stress, but that weekend the Holy Spirit revealed that though I was doing the right things, I was doing it with the wrong heart. 
                I prayed for people and laid hands on them, because in some sense it made ME feel special. I took it hard and personal if someone didn't feel something when I prayed. (Don't get me wrong,  I wanted them healed or to feel better, but I wanted to feel special too) I realized that almost everything I do, is for the sake of feeling some sort of individuality. Even my style of parenting. I longed for compliments on what I was doing,and waited for someone to say, "Liz you are so close to God, or I have a prophetic word for you," or anything that would make me feel special in God's eyes. What I realized was that, I wasn't really doing anything for God's glory, but for MY glory.
                I realized that Jesus Christ was my best friend, but what kind of friend had I been to Jesus? I am sorry to say, not a very good one. It has been a one sided relationship for the past 28 years, and I want more! I want Jesus to be able to say, "That Liz Toner has been a great friend to me." And not in a way that makes me feel special. I want to make Jesus feel special. Isn't that what we should be doing?
            How do we be Jesus' friend? We worship Him, we praise Him, we lift Him up, and appreciate all He has done for us. I want to help Him find His lost children, to tell the world how wonderful of a friend he has been for me. I want to listen to His problems. His problems are the problems of others on this earth. His tears are the tears fallen from the people we are too busy to be concerned with. We can be His friend simply by showing others, His lost children, the love He has shown us!
                     I don't know about you, but I want to be Jesus' BFF...FOREVER

My lyre is AWAKENED!

           This past weekend, I went to a worship conference in Philadelphia called Awake My Lyre. Originally I was only going to support my good friend, being that she was the brains behind the operation. I did not know what to expect, but I knew the enemy was fighting to keep me from going. The more I didn't feel like going, the more I knew I should be there! 
           Upon arriving, I felt completely out of place, yet, like I was in the right place. I actually said to my friend, "It's like I fit in, because I don't fit in." It was a giant room filled with "artistic" type people, and I immediately felt unworthy of their presence, however, I  knew I was going to leave closer to God, and just pushed on!
            Throughout the weekend I was so blessed. I saw amazing performers like Chris Falson, Glen Galloway from Souljunk, Lenny Smith, owner of Jerusalem records, Rachel Galloway, Mary Brewer... Just amazing performers, with a passion for God, and incredible gifts. I learned so much from each person! Lenny Smith made a comment that being a grown up was a lie, Glen's love for God and his connection to the Holy Spirit blew my mind, and Chris' story of agnostic parents, and finding God in the lines of leaves... I walked away completely changed and excited to start my new journey as a Worshipper, who I was designed to be! (Thank you Rachel for pointing that out!) 
           When I got home, I was inspired to write, and to be who I used to be, but for God's glory, and I pulled out an old book of poems, and re read a few. Poems about the love I first felt in the beginning of my relationship with Husband, turned into love songs to God, before my eyes, and feeling that love, I wrote my very first song... Or at least started to!
            I am so excited to have learned how to truly worship God, and it of course will be different for everyone, because we were all created different for a reason! I just want to spend every moment, exclaiming, proclaiming, my love for the Lord! Thank you Awake my lyre, My lyre is awake!
          And now my poem:

365 days times three...

         I thought I couldn't breathe without him ,

Moon fall to moon rise...

        Tied to him

Without him near.

Then you came...

       Now I am free!

I only need the strength you give

        The light you shine

Sunrise to sunset

         Not tied,

      Voluntarily

I long for your arms...

      Your smile

Remains within me...

 I have what everyone seeks,

I breathe vigorously!