Financial Abuse

Most people do not consider being abused unless it is physical or sexual, but there does not need to be onle verbal, physiacal, or sexual abuse. These types are easier to spot, and should result in both parties getting professional help, but there is more ways to control another person or to be controlled.
There is another kind of abuse that can happen but id ofeten ignored because no physical harm is involved. Financial Abuse, aka Economic Abuse, or Economic Domination.
This type of abuse is often placed on a back burner behind the more aggressive abuses, but can still be just as emotionally devestating.
Signs of Economic Abuse

* Telling one partner to quit their job, and stay home to take care of the kids, or to be a homemaker.
(Though this can be a sign, it is not always a case of abuse. Obviously I stay home, but no one is trying to control me. If you are demanded to quit your job, rather than discussed it and came up with this answer as something better for the family, it can just be normal!)

*Confiscating a partners assets and other financial resources and FORBIDDING that person from handling money or making any money that the abuser does not approve.

*Using the partners financial assets to their own advantage and depriving the abused their rights to enjoy financially and rightfully theirs.

*Taking away all credit cards or debit cards and providing ONLY a sufficient amount of money to pay for the day-to-day expenses. (Or less)

This abuse could still happen when both parties work and the abuser takes control of ALL money and does not give the abused an oppurtunity to make any financial decisions.

Remember being abused in NOTHING to be ashamed of and you can get help. If you or someone you know is being abused or need help because they can't stop abusing please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional Abuse is any kind of abuse that is NOT physical. Verbal abuse falls in this category. It also includes constant criticism, or less the less obvious; intimidation, manipulation, or the refusal to NEVER be pleased.
Emotional Abuse wears away the victim's self esteem, confidence, self worth, and makes them question their own thoughts, perceptions. Emotional abuse causes deep wounds that can last far longer than thought.
Emotional abuse generally takes three kinds of form; aggressing, denying, and minimizing.
Aggressing:
*Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening and ordering. Name-calling seems easy, any words used to hurt your feeling when talking about you, is name-calling. EX: "You are such a butt face!" Accusing is to put blame, or fault onto another person where there isn't any. Blaming the victim for the offender's behavior, "It is your fault I act like this. Why do you make me do these things?" etc. Threatening, is to hang over dangerously, or to announce what is coming. Remember that sentence; what is coming! Often we make empty threats, but abusers usually mean what they say, and use threats in order to instill fear into the victim. The more afraid the abused is, the better control the abuser has over them! Even if it is simply fear of the other leaving!
Ordering, would be one person demanding things from the other. Requiring the other to meet the abusers high standards. If the orders aren't meant there is usually a price to pay. Whether it be yelling, or belittling or physical or sexual abuse, there will be a punishment.
*Aggressive abuse also comes in a less direst abuse. It can be disguised as "helping" and put into criticism, advise, solutions, analyzing, or probing. Sometimes it is a sincere attempt to help. However in some instances these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, judge, control or demean the other, in order to gain a sense of control.
Denying:
*Invalidating: is to take away the importance of something, (like an argument) Ex: Abused: "Why would you say something like to me, I love you!"Abuser: "I never said that, what are you talking about?"
*Withholding: refusing to listen, communicate, or withdrawing emotionally, as a punishment. Also known as "the silent treatment."
*Countering is denying the victim as an individual and refuses to acknoweldge the other person isn't an extension of themselves. Therefore, not accepting to believe there could be another opinion, feelings, or viewpoints.

Minimizing:
*Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. Doesn't exactly deny that a situation occurred, but question the recipient's emotional response. EX: "Quit crying, you are such a baby!" "Oh crying again?" "You're blowing this out of rorportion!" Implying the feelings or perception at hand is faulty or not trustworthy.
*Trivializing is to make something less important than it actually is.
*Denying and Minimizing can ultimately end in the question of ones self. Making it harder to make good decisions, because you are constantly questioning your own thoughts, reactions, and emotions. Therefore making you more dependable on the abuser!

Individuals who were abused as children more than not, enter abusive relationships, either as the abused or the abuser. Because you grew up listening to emotional and verbal abuse, it could feel normal or even comfortable, although it is destructive.
Recipients of abuse often struggle with powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. And most of the time the abuser is struggling with the same feelings, and learn to be abusive as a way of coping with the feelings of inadequacies. Which allows him or her to take control of their feelings.
If this sounds familiar to you or someone you know there is help. There is help out there for the abused, for the abusers, and for friends and family of the abused. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
And be safe!

Abuse

I want to a minute to dedicate my blog to becoming more aware of the abuse out there! Signs, and even symptoms of those who are being abused. How to tell if you are beiing abused, and what to do if you suspect yourself of or someone you love is being abused.
Most of us, do not even want to think about it. It is a scary thought and so many of us feel like if we don't acknowledge it, or think about it, it won't happen to us, or we won't ever have to deal with it. But it is real, and there are so many people becoming victims everyday. Some of these stories end well, with inspiring tales that make us feel like we can accomplish anything, but most of the tieme, these stories end fatally. There are no "happy" endings with abuse. It is something that effects us for years.
Being abused, and even loving a victim, can leave damaging scars for a lifetime. It is important recognize the different types, the signs, and it is important to be supportive to the ones we love who are enduring this, and to escape it if it is happening. THis is a serious epedemic, that is sweeping the world! If we can't stop it, let's at least educate ourselves!
This is a topic I feel very strongly about. It effects me in many ways. I have experienced different types of abuse throughout my lifetime, I have witnessed abuse of loved ones. I have also been saved from it, Offered help, and survived. I am luck that I have never feared for my life, or the life of a loved one as a result of my abuse, but none the less, they are memories that will haunt forever! So let's learn what we can!
There are so many types of abuse, I want to list them all. Verbal, Emotional, Financial, Sexual, Physical. Child Abuse, can come in many forms as well; emotional, neglect, physical, and sexual abuse as well.
First I want to talk about verbal abuse. It's like the gateway abuse. That's how it starts, in both cases, most of the time!
Verbal Abuse: (also known as reviling or bullying)is best described as a negative defining statement told to you or about you; or by withholding any response thus defining the target as non-existant. If the abuser doesn't immediately apologize and rarely indulge in a defining statement, the relationship may be a verbally abusive one. cite: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" 1992, 1996, 2010 by Patricia Evans
Verbal Abuse, the most common form of abuse can happen anywhere, school, home, work, at the grocery store, while driving. (Road rage!)and isn't taken seriously enough! Insults, countering, withholding, name calling, and abusive anger or belittling can be detrimental to a person and his or her self esteem. Chances are all of us have been a victim of verbal abuse, and most of the time we recover. But hearing the same things no matter how positive of a self image we have in the start, begins to wear you down emotionally. If you hear how fat you are day after day, you start to think that you are fat. Or stupid, or to blame. "You can't do better than me!" "You are ugly!" "You are a B***, and no one would put up with you!" When the verbal abuse begins to change your perception of yourself or the things around it is time to put an end to it. (Really, it shouldn't be tolerated in any form, EVER! Relationships should have mutual respect, love and care. No one should be trying to hurt the other, even with words!)
Sometimes verbal abuse comes in threats. Threats of divorce, followed with "You could never live without me!" Threats, and insults usually go hand in hand! Verbal abuse effects everyone. When fathers verbally abuse the mother, the children grow up thinking its ok to treat someone or be treated that way! It leads to depression, anxiety, and fear. It lessons our self worth, and can lead to drug addiction and worse. Stop it, if you are being verbally abused or see someone who is, get help. If you are guilty of doing it, get help.
Sometimes it is easier to say what you are thinking, or when you are hurting, it can feel so good to hurt someone else, with your words. It seems harmless, because after all, no one is getting hurt physically, but the wounds verbal abuse leave take much longer to heal, and can be the beginning of a downward spiral in life! If you were verbally abused, break the cycle, make a difference, and don't continue the tradition! Each individual deserves to be treated with love, and respect.
If you or someone you know is being abused you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Be safe!

Beautiful

Like a single raindrop
Resting on a petal
The purple haze
From a spring sunset
I feel beautiful
Beautiful
Because of the way he looks at me
Beautiful
With every touch I feel
Beautiful
With every tingle
Like a child's first step
Into his mother's arms
Every kiss
Amazing as the first
And I still feel beautiful

Better late then never!

I sort of missed my Peanut's birthday tribute the other day, when I wrote about my "revelation" So to make it up. I just want to post the lyrics to a song, I have been singing to her since birth! This one is for you Peanut. I love you so much, and my world would be dull and boring without you. Even though you are "spirited" you are one of the greatest things to happen to me, and you brought our family together, making us a true family. I am proud to say, that you are my daughter! You are strong, kind, loving, sweet, smart, funny, and beautiful. I love you baby!

Angel, by Jack Johnson

"I've got an angel, she doesn't where any wings.

She wears a heart that could melt my own,

she wears a smile that could make me want to sing!

She gives me presents with her presence alone.

She gives me everything I could wish for,

she gives kisses on the lips just for coming home.

She can make angels. I've seen it with my own eyes!

But you got to be careful when you got good love,

cause then angels will just keep on multiplying!

But your so busy changing the world.

Just one smile and you could change all of mine!

We share the same soul! Oh, oh,oh, oh.

We share the same soul. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Share the same soul! Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh"

I love you Peanut!

Awesome!

I know I said this blog would be real. That it would show my real emotions and I would be 100% honest all of the time. And lately all of my posts are positive and full of energy, and I have to say, it's because that;s how I feel. I am so lucky to be alive. I don't mean living and breathing air, but truly alive. I feel like my soul is on fire today! My soul is on fire! And the only excuse I have is to admit the amazing blessings and the awesome way God is working in my life! God is real, and he loves us. He wants us to be closer. He loves us the way we are. He sees all the things we do. WE can't hide from him. Even the things you do in secret, the most horrible things you could do, he wants to forgive you for it! He wants to hold you in his arms, and say," I love you, and of course I forgive you!" But he is a gentleman, and he isn't going to push himself on you. He is waiting for you to come to him. TO open your arms, and your mind, and soften your hearts, and say, "Lord God, I know that I am a sinner, I know that I don't deserve you, but I am sorry! I know that you the Lord Jesus has died on the cross, and with that, he took away all my sin, all my disease, in order to make me whole. He rose on the third day, to claim his thrown, proving he is the messiah. I love you Jesus. I want you in my heart, I long for your arms around my, for you ultimate power. I long for you to be my best friend, and I want your forgiveness. I am sorry for the things I do, that act out against you. I'm sorry for my sin. I want to take my life, and give it all to you Lord. You can have ALL of me, and I want the fire burning in me, that only you can give! I love you Lord Jesus, and I thank you for saving me from the Enemy, and from myself! From here on end, I want to live, truly live! In Jesus Name, Amen!"

It was nine months ago, I had said a similar prayer, and my entire life has changed. I'm not walking around on cloud nine all the time, But I should be! When I think about what He has done for us, how can you not be excited?

I had always had God in my life, he gave me the amazing ability to see something positive in the most horrible situations. I knew Jesus was my savior, and I had lots of love! I went to church, and I tried to be a good person. Honest, caring, generous, and loving. At least I thought I was. I thought I was a good christian. But every time I heard the call, to raise my hand and ask Jesus into my life, I would wonder, if I needed to. I was never sure I was going to heaven. "How do you know if you are truly saved?" I asked myself. I walked out of church with a better understanding, and sometimes I even thought, that I heard something I should change about myself.

However, I had never read the bible, and the one time I tried, I got nothing out of it. I could have been reading Korean. I wasn't learning how to live right. God was there, but I never KNEW him! I couldn't stand "bible pushers". I thought they got a little too carried away! I mean I really thought if Jesus died for my sins, and I would be forgiven no matter, then what was the big deal? I guess what I didn't realize was, you have to ask for forgiveness, and mean it! You have to try to stop sinning, because if you know God, really know God, you don't want to sin!

I find my life being consumed by God. It is what I wake up thinking about, I go to bed thanking him. I pray in the shower, while I do dishes or run my errands. He comes up in every conversation, and I smile when I think about how awesome his love is for me! It's like falling in love, except I expect this feeling to last, as long as I keep it alive! I talk about him like he is in the room, and I want EVERYONE to feel how amazing it feels to have an honest relationship with our creator.

Last night during our churches, "Friday Night Fire" I had this insane revelation. While singing Chris Tomlins, "Our God is Greater" I realized I have nothing to fear! "And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" What could stand against me , if I have our maker, the creator of ALL things in me? What could ever hold me down, why should I ever be afraid?

Don't get me wrong. Being free from fear doesn't mean being free from common sense or caution. God gave us the ability to be mart and use reason, and we should. Just because I have God on my side, doesn't mean I should put myself in dangerous situations!

But for the first time in my life, I actually feel free. I have spent my whole, almost 30 years, trapped in my bondage of fear. Fear of getting sick, fear of disaster. Fear of the dark, deer, disappointment, germs, fear of divorce, fear of failure, fear of poverty, fear to let myself look weak, fear of something happening to me preventing me from caring for my children, fear of commitment, fear of rejection, Fear of love, fear of being disliked, the paralyzing fear that something would happen to my kids, fear of thunderstorms, the list goes on and on. And today I feel so light. Last night I truly let go, and gave my life to God!

I am sure I will still struggle with some fear, but I will continually remind myself that I don't need fear, I can let go of anxiety, I am a child of God, I picture Jesus on the cross, and my sin, my fear, my illness, whatever I am struggling with, leaving as Jesus' blood washes it away. I don't need anger or fear or resentment, I only need love. I give what I am getting. Love!

My Marriage

When Swwet Face was about a year old, I had decided I wanted another baby. I thought he needed a sibling to play with, and it would help make him a little more adjusted to the real world. But Husband refused and insisted we shouldn't have anymore children out of wedlock. For awhile I figured I could talk him into it, but he meant business.

One day a good friend of mine's grandmother diedm and for some reason she had nothing to be buried in, so we went ot the local Goodwill to seek out a dress. While looking, I happened to notice this huge, white, ruffly, wedding dress. It had fabric everywhere, long sleeves and a mock neckline. I looked at Assie and said, "I need to try this on" And it fit as if it were made for me! I put a call into my mother to see what she thought, and we decided to buy that $80 wedding dress.

By the time Husband came home, I had a wedding date planned in three months, at the church where we had both been baptized. The date was three months away from then, and though my parents wanted me to wait I was determined to make it work. I informed Husband of our nuptial date, time, and location, and he just smirked and said, "whatever>" (He later told me, that after asking for three years he never thought I Was REALLY going to go through with it.)

Tons of planning and money saving ideas were to follow. People made promises that were never kept, and then we had even more last minute things to change. I was told at one point, that Halmune, (My husband's grandmother) would make the bridesmaid dresses, and then a month before the wedding she decided she wasn't, so we had to find a place that could rush an order of bridesmaid dresses in a month. During this time I also had ripped apart my dress and added this straps.

The night before the wedding at the rehearsal, there was a fight. And I cancelled the wedding. The details aren't that important, mostly because I don't want to offend anyone that might (doubtfully) read this someday! But I had enough. It wasn't really anything Husband had done, but I didn't want to deal with my in laws treating me like a second class citizen forever. Before meeting Husband I have never seen a family quite like there's before, and at this point I wasn't sure I wanted to be anymore part of it, as I already was.

However, my two married older cousins, insisted it was nerves, and that everyone felt this way the day before. I responded that maybe they shouldn't have gotten married either. But eventually the show did go on! But not with out it's drama.

Now, I don't want to get into many details of the wedding because that actually is NOT the point I am trying to make here. But the wedding day came, and though a little excited I was more afraid. I felt in my gut that this was a huge mistake, and I had that feeling since the three month time frame started. I was waiting for someone to tell me it was ok not to go through with it. That I Was crazy if I married him. ANYTHING! We had so many problems, and getting married wasn't going to fix any, just make it worse. What was I dong? So standing in front to the doors to the room I was about to face my soon to be Husband, I started to panic. Dressed, hair done an looking fabulous, I thought I might vomit. I wanted to run out. I probably would have if I hadn't known that my little Sweet Face wasn't standing in there waiting. I looked at my mom, and said, "Do you think this is a mistake?" She shrugged her shoulders, opened the door, and said, "You can always get divorced!" And started down the aisle.

At the time, that was what I needed to hear. I relaxed, was relieved and thought about those words. "i can always get divorced. If this is horrible, I can just leave."

The nuptials were fine, and Sweet Face joined the ceremony halfway through. I don't remember what I actually said as wedding vowels, I guess because I don't think I meant them, not deep down. The reception was almost a disaster, but that is a story for another time! But Husband and I left, relaxed and married.

But I kept that, "I can just get divorced" attitude in my marriage for a long time. We had so many problems for the first two years. Problems that should have been avoided. And most of the time I wasn't doing anything wrong, but when I finally realized that my attitude was what would make the difference. I wasn't serious about it. And it showed. I was NOT in my marriage until death do us part. I was not in my marriage for the long haul. I wasn't willing to do what it takes to make it work, because I didn't think I was the problem. If Husband did something I didn't like I left. I could not see our marriage working any longer than two years.

It wasn't until I really took the time and realized how awful my attitude was, that things began to change for the better. I had to realize that I, not anyone else, but I made a commitment to Husband, I made a promise to God, and my children, that I was going to do whatever it takes to make it work, and I owed it to them to keep that promise. It was hard to let go of my independence or my bad attitude, but it was worth it!

Husband and I made it married five years this year. We didn't do anything big or fancy to celebrate, but we knew how big of a deal it was. Five years, and for the first time we both feel like we are going to make it. We can picture our future together! I don't know how Husband really felt on our wedding day, but I did not take it seriously. And we are talking about renewing our vowels for that reason! "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protect, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 " And now these three remain:faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

If I had gone into my marriage with these verses in mind, maybe it wouldn't have been such a struggle. And this is something, I have to remind myself of daily. Husband and I have out a lot of work into our family, marriage, home, and there is lots more to be done. But equipped with God and his word it becomes easier to face!

Parents!

When Sweet Face was in womb, I vowed to never be the type of parent that later looked back on the way they raised their child with regret. SO often I have heard people say that they never regretted the dishes in the sink, or not vacuuming the floor, but what they did regret in their lives was not spending enough time with their kids.

How many times have I walked into a house and wondered in amazement at the mother that kept the house clean, baked cookies, ran errands, did the laundry, cooked dinner, and kept the husband loved on. That woman still amazes me, but in most cases (not all, but most) the one thing not being taken care of is the emotional needs of that woman's child. Maybe it isn't enough to notice, or to worry about, but either way that child isn't getting the attention, love and affection that he or she deserves.

When Sweet Face was born I tolerated so many insults about my housekeeping, and I just laughed it off. I didn't mind because I figured that would never be a real regret of mine. Sweet Face got all the Momma time he needed. If I was doing the dishes or laundry, I stopped to dance, to play, to laugh or to love. We spent time together, painting, singing songs, or even watch a movie together. We played games and laughed. We played outside and went for walks, even if the house was a mess. I was certain that even though I wasn't a great housekeeper, I was an AWESOME mother.

But the older my children get, and the older I get, I find that I am so concerned with keeping up with appearances of our home, that I am losing sight of what is really important, and that is how my family feels. Husband included! What I should be concerned with is how loved they all feel.

Just watching, actually watching, that movie with Peanut last night, I realized just how long it has been since I have REALLY taken the time to enjoy her, I know that we are together every single day of my life, all day long, but most of our days are filled with, "Stop whining, don't fight with your brother, pick that up, this house is not your personal garbage can, I am not your slave, I'm trying to clean, Peanut" and on and on.

I suppose this is my revelation, I truly miss my kids, my family. I miss their twinkles, their little laughs, enjoying their hugs, and holding their hands, and the time I used to spend with them.

I'll be the first to admit, and maybe it makes me sound awful, but I am only being honest. It is hard to love your children unconditionally ALL the time. Letting go of all the annoying things they do, their whiny voices, or the lollipops stuck in the carpet, the hand print you have to wash off the wall, or for those of you with young boys, the pee on the toilet seat, but as parents we were entrusted with these amazing and precious little people. And don't we owe to them to give them the devoting attention and everlasting love that they give us? It's so easy to complain about all the work, and ignore them while doing it. It's easy to say, "I will play with her when this is done." But let's face it parents; it is NEVER done! But they will grow up some day, and sooner rather than later, and they won't want your attention. I don't want to regret that. I don't want my memories to be of the times I didn't have enough time for my kids. We love our children, and none of us ever want to make them feel bad, not really, so let's make a little more time. Those dishes will be there, those little eyes and cute smile, and soft hands, aren't always going to be reaching out!

Bambi!

Last night I curled into bed to watch a "secret" movie with the cutest girl I know, and I found myself inspired. It is not everyday I find such inspiration in animated films, but something has turned in me I guess! With that I said, I want to point out all the the little trials in the movie and Bambi, and hope that you too get inspired!

Here is this little bambino (wonder if that is where Bambi actually gets his name?_ just learning about life, and at the look of every positive thing comes a life changing event. In most instances a traumatic life changing event to say the least.

We are first introduced to Bambi as the newborn "little prince" of the forest. At first his only lesson is trying to learn about the world and walk and talk, while being teased by the other young forest animals. But Bambi works hard and perseveres, not only walking, but running and running, and talking like a champ! His second life lesson is soon to follow in...... The meadow. Where Bambi is taught that there are other deer in the forest, and that there is much to fear in the world. (Of course they are referring to man!)

He them goes through each of the changing seasons, and finds, like most of us that snow and winter are only fun for a short time and that it takes too long to go away! He learns about being hungry, (We call it poverty) and just when they find some hope in new spring grass found in a small melted patch of snow, his mother is shot and killed by a hunter. (Puts new perspective on hunting season doesn't it?) Being left to be raised by a father he didn't really know!

Alas when spring comes Bambi is transformed into a young stallion of a buck, and "gets twitterpated" (aka falls in love) by his childhood chum Faline. However just as quickly as she bats those gorgeous doe eyes at him another bucks runs into the picture and tries to dominate his woman. Bambi is taken back and isn't sure what to do while his young love is calling out his name. Suddenly anger turns Bambi's face, and Bambi after getting roughed for a bit, conquers the other male and wins his lady as a prize. Love is tough!

Bambi and his blushing bride (or at least I hope, because what is that saying to our younger generation, lol) begin to settle in a very cozy looking thicket, when Bambi notices something in the forest isn't right, and goes looking. Of course, the hunters are back and this time with many more. Bambi;s father says come with me and tries to keep his son from danger, but Bambi realizes he has left Faline, and goes to find her. On his mission he finds Faline trapped on a high rick by several highly trained hunting dogs, and Bambi finds himself having to fight once again for his fair maiden. He takes on multiple ferocious dogs, and finds an escape route for sweet Faline, and then tries to run himself. Just as he gets away a gunshot goes off, and Bambi falls to the ground. All the while the forest is catching fire!

Bambi's father comes and fores Bambi up. "This isn't time to be a sissy, Bambi!" ( He doesn't really say that, but it was there!) And somehow the two of them together escape the forest fire. and meet the rest of the forest critters, and of course Faline. Sweet, defenseless Faline. (Every man's dream, right?)

After all is said and done, Bambi has to face one more monumental challenge of all. Faline has given birth to twin fawns, YIKES! Good luck Bambi.

And all the while Bambi never gives up, he never complains, or whines, "why me? My life sucks!" A true inspiration.

So with my coffee cup hi, I would like to raise a toast inspired by you, Bambi. May you always walk with grace, and never ever complain, even as the hits keep coming!

Thank you Bambi, for putting my life into perspective!

OH Sunday

It's funny how when at church, there is so much hope in your heart. Piling your family into your car, and you find your soul at peace. Hopefully that is what you feel after leaving your church. This morning I woke up feeling amazing, I was so excited to get to church, to worship and praise my all the time good God. I get there, and I warmly welcomed by many friendly faces, that genuinely seem to really be glad to see me there. I start off singing with my hands in the air, and my heart softened and my heart open, and then a rumble in my stomach. "You've got to be kidding me!" I rush to the bathroom and hope it will be just a quick toot, or if I empty my bladder, it relieve the pressure! So I clean up and walk back to the sermon. I start to sing again, and more rumbles, I try to ignore them. Then as we greet one another, I am overwhelmed with a sudden flash of heat... "Oh no, I am going to explode!" I lean over to Husband and say, "I am going to the bathroom, I don't know if I am ever coming back out." And I run, tears in my eyes. Of course I see the same person I saw the first time I went to the bathroom and I can feel the blood boil into my face. "Are you ok?" He asks. Embarrassed I simply smirk and shrug. Once in the tiny stall made for kids (because our church doesn't have it's own building, and we are in an elementary school gymnasium) I start to cry. This may seem irrational to many of you, but this is my second week of diarrhea, and it is something I have been struggling with for at least seven years. My head in my hand and the tears pouring down my face, I feel hopeless. I am never going to feel better again. I have lost over ten pounds since Thanksgiving, and though I didn't mind losing the weight that's NOT the way I wanted to. I just want to curl into a ball and lay on the cold tile floor. But being too aware of the disgusting germs awaiting for me on the floor I sucked it up and faced the music. After missing most of the service I come back, crying and sit next to Husband. "Are you ok?" He whispers, and there you have it, I am sobbing and I just want to lay on his lap and cry and I have to finish this sermon and hopefully learn something that will help. Ironically, the last three services at church are about God's benefits and how he wants and will heal all our diseases, and yes that is scriptural. In fact it is stated in Psalm 103:1-5

"1Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

3who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

4who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

5who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."

So I raise my hand when the Pastor's ask if anyone wants healing, I raise it High, and sob, and blow my nose. I compose myself, and go get my Peanut out of her classroom. I walk back into the gym for the fellowship our church offers, and my niece is standing there, and tells me she has been praying for me to feel better, and I start sobbing again. I am so tired of not feeling well. And she prays for me again. I tell you she is a good little prayer that one! And I walk away feeling better, then I am pulled away to find anew friend and an old friend want to pray for me, and they. Then the Pastor some how sees me crying to Husband, and asks me to come over this week so she can pray. And though my stomach doesn't feel one hundred percent, my spirit sure does. I realize that God put this church and these people in my life, and they feel so much more like a family than my real family ever did. For the first time EVER I feel like I might belong somewhere. Maybe not completely, but to feel there love, is such an incredible blessing. I do walk out every Sunday feeling amazing, and inspired. I found something that most people look for forever. A home, and a better understanding of God, and people who care about me. I love my church. I love the people, and I am so excited to party with these people in heaven for all eternity! Thank God for calling me and my family there!

What a dream

I guess I want a baby more than I thought. HA! Last night I had a dream and somehow reproduced with an ex-boyfriend, (Which by the way was the scariest part of the dream.) I am not even sure how the reproduction process took place, but it happened, and somehow within a very small time frame, My daughter jumped from newborn to three year old very quickly, and the "father" was not involved.

But Oh was she gorgeous, and the vision of her stays fresh in my mind. She had thick dark brown hair, and big green round eyes. Pale complexion and the most fabulous freckles sprinkled across her nose and cheeks, and when she smiled her eyes twinkled and my heart stopped. She made faces that looked so much like Peanut, and I spent most of my dream just staring at her, and feeling an overwhelming amount of love! At one point she told me I was beautiful like a princess, and I told her she looked like Snow White.

I woke up during the dream, and felt crushed. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream, like so many of us do. It was like she was a part of my life I have been missing!

And now i get to go to a baby shower, with another pregnant friend, and celebrate something that I never get to do again! It is exhaustively defeating. I try to keep telling myself that I have gotten to experience the wonders of pregnancy and child birth, and for that i should just consider myself lucky and blessed. I love my children, and being their mother couldn't be anymore of a blessing. They are kind and loving, and empathetic, and amazing, and I am so grateful for them, and the time I get to spend with them. Is it selfish for me to want another? To have feelings of sadness?

Though I honestly can say, even as I feel like this I am still not angry at Husband, but its hard. I always thought, IF I was going to have children, I would have two girls and a boy. And I am left with an incomplete family. How do you get over this?

Vasectomy Continued....

After reading the entry that took place almost a year ago, "Vasectomy and tears" I thought maybe I should retouch on the subject. Of course there are times when I still feel sad, especially when three of my friends are having babies very soon, and when they first got pregnant at the same time, I was consumed with jealousy. But do I still hate Husband? Not so much. There are times here and there when I think about it, but the actual feelings of bitterness and resentment have faded. I chose to forgive and try to get over it. After all there really is nothing I can do about any of it, now that it is done!

Does that mean I have let go of all hope of ever having children? No, I haven't, not deep down inside. Which seems ridiculous, being that it probably is NOT going to happen, but Jesus did say, "With man this is impossible, but with God ALL things are possible." So I guess I hold onto the the thought that if God wants us to have another baby, it will be. I mean after all ina few days we are about to celebrate the birth of his son, who was born of a virgin, right?

I will say, when I actually think about what it means to have a newborn, I cringe. I mean what am I thinking. Up every two hours, with to other kids, poopy diapers, crying and not knowing what's wrong, throwing up. Diaper bags, and infant car seats. I'm good. So is it just that i want another because I can't? Or is that just part of being a woman. And eternal need to pro create? I can't say what the answer to that is for sure.

But I can say that marriages can be restored after something that horrible, and that betraying. Yes, I did feel betrayed. And sometimes I feel betrayed still, but I have two beautiful children, and we can afford to do great things with them, and get them gifts, and spoil them. We can let them play the sports they want or take dance classes, and let's face it, Two is easier. I think Husband should have waited until we both came to an absolute decision, TOGETHER, but I do think he thought he was making the best decision for our family. At least now I can look at it like that!

Far too long, once again!

Though I have been dying to write, I have to be honest and say the reason I haven't been, is simply because .... I couldn't remember my password... Ha! I know, I am ridiculous!

It's been almost a year since I have written. So much has changed yet so much has remained the same! I am about as "over" the vasectomy as I am probably ever going to be. I go through moments of relief that i will never have to go through labor, or sleepless nights feeding a baby, and then I go through yearning, because I still want one more. Even if it would be awful. A little girl I would name Ava Lorraine! But hey that's life, and vasectomy or not, if God wants me to have another, I will!

My little peanut is about to turn four in a week. We have come a long way from wiping poop on the walls, to speaking Spanish, (thanks to Dora and Diego!)

The husband and I are doing well, we are learning to manage our money! (HA!) We are trying to learn... What a struggle that can be, but I suppose that is one of things about going from selfish 21 year olds, to "responsible parents within a year of meeting each other. Its a process and we are learning from it!

So what is new? My faith in God. I'm sure I have mentioned God once or twice before, (I hope more than that) And if I haven't, shame on me! But recently we have moved to a new church that feels like a family, and are learning just what it actually means to be a christian. And no it doesn't mean, easy, or being judgemental. In fact it is the opposite. But I am excited to learn more about God's plan. I am ready to put all things into his hands and give my life to and for him! It is exciting!

Over the summer Husband and I were baptized again! During my brief but HILARIOUS speech... lol. I had mentioned how much I HATED bible pushers. Oh and I did. I couldn't stand them, passing on their judgmental beliefs, and who were they to tell me anything I do is wrong. I went to church, I prayed, I taught my kids about God, I was kind and generous, I truly believed in God, I even tried to read the Bible... once. I was alright! Deep down inside I wasn't sure if I was "really" saved, but I was pretty sure. And then I was given a book! "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I started to read it, and over the next forty days, realized how lost I really was. If I was as close to God as I thought I was, I shouldn't have been feeling empty or like there was more to life than what I was getting. I should have been satisfied, or on my way to being satisfied.

During the forty days, I also realized I wasn't getting the things I needed at my recent church. Mostly fellowship. We had gone there since Sweet Face was in womb, but I didn't know anyone, so that's almost seven years, or almost eight. (So I can't count, who cares) It was after she gave the book, my niece, started pushing her church on me. I just kept saying, "Leave me alone, I am not going to your freaky church!" But one Sunday morning, Sweet Face and I were awake alone, and decided to try it... We walked in and Sweet Face went to the classroom he was to be in, and I went to the sermon. Oh how I hated it. I saw a few people I had gone to school with and just wanted to get out of there before they saw me, but Sweet Face insisted on stopping to say Hi to be people. (A much kinder soul than his momma) So when an old friend of mine saw me, she ran over, "Did you like it, Do you think you will come back?" To which I respond with no emotion on my face, "I got a lot out of it, but no, I won't be back." And I left. I went home and told husband how I was pretty sure it was a cult, it was insane. People jumping up and down, and waving their arms, as if they were antennas, and it was going to give them better reception to God or something! INSANE

Then next Sunday came, and Sweet Face refused to go into his classroom at our usual church. What an odd thing for him to do, he has been going there since birth and has never given me a hard time, NEVER! He wanted to go back to "his" church. So after a fifteen minute battle and a promise to go back, he went in.

Since I try hard to never break a promise to my kids, we did eventually go back to the freak show of a church, and Husband HATED it. But the second time, I thought, "Huh, it wasn't as bad as I thought, and the kids LOVED it!" SO we went again, then again, then again. And this March will be a year that we have been going, and we have only missed two Sundays. I love the Pastor's, and the people. I read my Bible everyday. I even memorized Bible verses. Husband is applying God's Word into his own life, and the kids show much fire for God it is inspiring. I know raise my antennas up, while I sing at the top of my lungs. I pray all day long, and I believe in so much more than I even knew I could. I our lives are transforming!

Do I still sin? Ahhh yeah! I lose my patience and yell at poor Peanut for being a kid. I still have fear, and anxiety, but now I am equipped to handle it. I have even apologized to my mother and grandmother in law for all the hurt I have caused THEM. HA! I have a hard time keeping my "christian face" on all the time, and I still complain. But now I have God's amazing grace on my side, and his forgiveness!

Our lives have changed so much, that even my family is going, and they have been saved! God is good!