Bambi!

Last night I curled into bed to watch a "secret" movie with the cutest girl I know, and I found myself inspired. It is not everyday I find such inspiration in animated films, but something has turned in me I guess! With that I said, I want to point out all the the little trials in the movie and Bambi, and hope that you too get inspired!

Here is this little bambino (wonder if that is where Bambi actually gets his name?_ just learning about life, and at the look of every positive thing comes a life changing event. In most instances a traumatic life changing event to say the least.

We are first introduced to Bambi as the newborn "little prince" of the forest. At first his only lesson is trying to learn about the world and walk and talk, while being teased by the other young forest animals. But Bambi works hard and perseveres, not only walking, but running and running, and talking like a champ! His second life lesson is soon to follow in...... The meadow. Where Bambi is taught that there are other deer in the forest, and that there is much to fear in the world. (Of course they are referring to man!)

He them goes through each of the changing seasons, and finds, like most of us that snow and winter are only fun for a short time and that it takes too long to go away! He learns about being hungry, (We call it poverty) and just when they find some hope in new spring grass found in a small melted patch of snow, his mother is shot and killed by a hunter. (Puts new perspective on hunting season doesn't it?) Being left to be raised by a father he didn't really know!

Alas when spring comes Bambi is transformed into a young stallion of a buck, and "gets twitterpated" (aka falls in love) by his childhood chum Faline. However just as quickly as she bats those gorgeous doe eyes at him another bucks runs into the picture and tries to dominate his woman. Bambi is taken back and isn't sure what to do while his young love is calling out his name. Suddenly anger turns Bambi's face, and Bambi after getting roughed for a bit, conquers the other male and wins his lady as a prize. Love is tough!

Bambi and his blushing bride (or at least I hope, because what is that saying to our younger generation, lol) begin to settle in a very cozy looking thicket, when Bambi notices something in the forest isn't right, and goes looking. Of course, the hunters are back and this time with many more. Bambi;s father says come with me and tries to keep his son from danger, but Bambi realizes he has left Faline, and goes to find her. On his mission he finds Faline trapped on a high rick by several highly trained hunting dogs, and Bambi finds himself having to fight once again for his fair maiden. He takes on multiple ferocious dogs, and finds an escape route for sweet Faline, and then tries to run himself. Just as he gets away a gunshot goes off, and Bambi falls to the ground. All the while the forest is catching fire!

Bambi's father comes and fores Bambi up. "This isn't time to be a sissy, Bambi!" ( He doesn't really say that, but it was there!) And somehow the two of them together escape the forest fire. and meet the rest of the forest critters, and of course Faline. Sweet, defenseless Faline. (Every man's dream, right?)

After all is said and done, Bambi has to face one more monumental challenge of all. Faline has given birth to twin fawns, YIKES! Good luck Bambi.

And all the while Bambi never gives up, he never complains, or whines, "why me? My life sucks!" A true inspiration.

So with my coffee cup hi, I would like to raise a toast inspired by you, Bambi. May you always walk with grace, and never ever complain, even as the hits keep coming!

Thank you Bambi, for putting my life into perspective!

OH Sunday

It's funny how when at church, there is so much hope in your heart. Piling your family into your car, and you find your soul at peace. Hopefully that is what you feel after leaving your church. This morning I woke up feeling amazing, I was so excited to get to church, to worship and praise my all the time good God. I get there, and I warmly welcomed by many friendly faces, that genuinely seem to really be glad to see me there. I start off singing with my hands in the air, and my heart softened and my heart open, and then a rumble in my stomach. "You've got to be kidding me!" I rush to the bathroom and hope it will be just a quick toot, or if I empty my bladder, it relieve the pressure! So I clean up and walk back to the sermon. I start to sing again, and more rumbles, I try to ignore them. Then as we greet one another, I am overwhelmed with a sudden flash of heat... "Oh no, I am going to explode!" I lean over to Husband and say, "I am going to the bathroom, I don't know if I am ever coming back out." And I run, tears in my eyes. Of course I see the same person I saw the first time I went to the bathroom and I can feel the blood boil into my face. "Are you ok?" He asks. Embarrassed I simply smirk and shrug. Once in the tiny stall made for kids (because our church doesn't have it's own building, and we are in an elementary school gymnasium) I start to cry. This may seem irrational to many of you, but this is my second week of diarrhea, and it is something I have been struggling with for at least seven years. My head in my hand and the tears pouring down my face, I feel hopeless. I am never going to feel better again. I have lost over ten pounds since Thanksgiving, and though I didn't mind losing the weight that's NOT the way I wanted to. I just want to curl into a ball and lay on the cold tile floor. But being too aware of the disgusting germs awaiting for me on the floor I sucked it up and faced the music. After missing most of the service I come back, crying and sit next to Husband. "Are you ok?" He whispers, and there you have it, I am sobbing and I just want to lay on his lap and cry and I have to finish this sermon and hopefully learn something that will help. Ironically, the last three services at church are about God's benefits and how he wants and will heal all our diseases, and yes that is scriptural. In fact it is stated in Psalm 103:1-5

"1Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

3who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

4who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

5who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."

So I raise my hand when the Pastor's ask if anyone wants healing, I raise it High, and sob, and blow my nose. I compose myself, and go get my Peanut out of her classroom. I walk back into the gym for the fellowship our church offers, and my niece is standing there, and tells me she has been praying for me to feel better, and I start sobbing again. I am so tired of not feeling well. And she prays for me again. I tell you she is a good little prayer that one! And I walk away feeling better, then I am pulled away to find anew friend and an old friend want to pray for me, and they. Then the Pastor some how sees me crying to Husband, and asks me to come over this week so she can pray. And though my stomach doesn't feel one hundred percent, my spirit sure does. I realize that God put this church and these people in my life, and they feel so much more like a family than my real family ever did. For the first time EVER I feel like I might belong somewhere. Maybe not completely, but to feel there love, is such an incredible blessing. I do walk out every Sunday feeling amazing, and inspired. I found something that most people look for forever. A home, and a better understanding of God, and people who care about me. I love my church. I love the people, and I am so excited to party with these people in heaven for all eternity! Thank God for calling me and my family there!

What a dream

I guess I want a baby more than I thought. HA! Last night I had a dream and somehow reproduced with an ex-boyfriend, (Which by the way was the scariest part of the dream.) I am not even sure how the reproduction process took place, but it happened, and somehow within a very small time frame, My daughter jumped from newborn to three year old very quickly, and the "father" was not involved.

But Oh was she gorgeous, and the vision of her stays fresh in my mind. She had thick dark brown hair, and big green round eyes. Pale complexion and the most fabulous freckles sprinkled across her nose and cheeks, and when she smiled her eyes twinkled and my heart stopped. She made faces that looked so much like Peanut, and I spent most of my dream just staring at her, and feeling an overwhelming amount of love! At one point she told me I was beautiful like a princess, and I told her she looked like Snow White.

I woke up during the dream, and felt crushed. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream, like so many of us do. It was like she was a part of my life I have been missing!

And now i get to go to a baby shower, with another pregnant friend, and celebrate something that I never get to do again! It is exhaustively defeating. I try to keep telling myself that I have gotten to experience the wonders of pregnancy and child birth, and for that i should just consider myself lucky and blessed. I love my children, and being their mother couldn't be anymore of a blessing. They are kind and loving, and empathetic, and amazing, and I am so grateful for them, and the time I get to spend with them. Is it selfish for me to want another? To have feelings of sadness?

Though I honestly can say, even as I feel like this I am still not angry at Husband, but its hard. I always thought, IF I was going to have children, I would have two girls and a boy. And I am left with an incomplete family. How do you get over this?

Vasectomy Continued....

After reading the entry that took place almost a year ago, "Vasectomy and tears" I thought maybe I should retouch on the subject. Of course there are times when I still feel sad, especially when three of my friends are having babies very soon, and when they first got pregnant at the same time, I was consumed with jealousy. But do I still hate Husband? Not so much. There are times here and there when I think about it, but the actual feelings of bitterness and resentment have faded. I chose to forgive and try to get over it. After all there really is nothing I can do about any of it, now that it is done!

Does that mean I have let go of all hope of ever having children? No, I haven't, not deep down inside. Which seems ridiculous, being that it probably is NOT going to happen, but Jesus did say, "With man this is impossible, but with God ALL things are possible." So I guess I hold onto the the thought that if God wants us to have another baby, it will be. I mean after all ina few days we are about to celebrate the birth of his son, who was born of a virgin, right?

I will say, when I actually think about what it means to have a newborn, I cringe. I mean what am I thinking. Up every two hours, with to other kids, poopy diapers, crying and not knowing what's wrong, throwing up. Diaper bags, and infant car seats. I'm good. So is it just that i want another because I can't? Or is that just part of being a woman. And eternal need to pro create? I can't say what the answer to that is for sure.

But I can say that marriages can be restored after something that horrible, and that betraying. Yes, I did feel betrayed. And sometimes I feel betrayed still, but I have two beautiful children, and we can afford to do great things with them, and get them gifts, and spoil them. We can let them play the sports they want or take dance classes, and let's face it, Two is easier. I think Husband should have waited until we both came to an absolute decision, TOGETHER, but I do think he thought he was making the best decision for our family. At least now I can look at it like that!

Far too long, once again!

Though I have been dying to write, I have to be honest and say the reason I haven't been, is simply because .... I couldn't remember my password... Ha! I know, I am ridiculous!

It's been almost a year since I have written. So much has changed yet so much has remained the same! I am about as "over" the vasectomy as I am probably ever going to be. I go through moments of relief that i will never have to go through labor, or sleepless nights feeding a baby, and then I go through yearning, because I still want one more. Even if it would be awful. A little girl I would name Ava Lorraine! But hey that's life, and vasectomy or not, if God wants me to have another, I will!

My little peanut is about to turn four in a week. We have come a long way from wiping poop on the walls, to speaking Spanish, (thanks to Dora and Diego!)

The husband and I are doing well, we are learning to manage our money! (HA!) We are trying to learn... What a struggle that can be, but I suppose that is one of things about going from selfish 21 year olds, to "responsible parents within a year of meeting each other. Its a process and we are learning from it!

So what is new? My faith in God. I'm sure I have mentioned God once or twice before, (I hope more than that) And if I haven't, shame on me! But recently we have moved to a new church that feels like a family, and are learning just what it actually means to be a christian. And no it doesn't mean, easy, or being judgemental. In fact it is the opposite. But I am excited to learn more about God's plan. I am ready to put all things into his hands and give my life to and for him! It is exciting!

Over the summer Husband and I were baptized again! During my brief but HILARIOUS speech... lol. I had mentioned how much I HATED bible pushers. Oh and I did. I couldn't stand them, passing on their judgmental beliefs, and who were they to tell me anything I do is wrong. I went to church, I prayed, I taught my kids about God, I was kind and generous, I truly believed in God, I even tried to read the Bible... once. I was alright! Deep down inside I wasn't sure if I was "really" saved, but I was pretty sure. And then I was given a book! "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I started to read it, and over the next forty days, realized how lost I really was. If I was as close to God as I thought I was, I shouldn't have been feeling empty or like there was more to life than what I was getting. I should have been satisfied, or on my way to being satisfied.

During the forty days, I also realized I wasn't getting the things I needed at my recent church. Mostly fellowship. We had gone there since Sweet Face was in womb, but I didn't know anyone, so that's almost seven years, or almost eight. (So I can't count, who cares) It was after she gave the book, my niece, started pushing her church on me. I just kept saying, "Leave me alone, I am not going to your freaky church!" But one Sunday morning, Sweet Face and I were awake alone, and decided to try it... We walked in and Sweet Face went to the classroom he was to be in, and I went to the sermon. Oh how I hated it. I saw a few people I had gone to school with and just wanted to get out of there before they saw me, but Sweet Face insisted on stopping to say Hi to be people. (A much kinder soul than his momma) So when an old friend of mine saw me, she ran over, "Did you like it, Do you think you will come back?" To which I respond with no emotion on my face, "I got a lot out of it, but no, I won't be back." And I left. I went home and told husband how I was pretty sure it was a cult, it was insane. People jumping up and down, and waving their arms, as if they were antennas, and it was going to give them better reception to God or something! INSANE

Then next Sunday came, and Sweet Face refused to go into his classroom at our usual church. What an odd thing for him to do, he has been going there since birth and has never given me a hard time, NEVER! He wanted to go back to "his" church. So after a fifteen minute battle and a promise to go back, he went in.

Since I try hard to never break a promise to my kids, we did eventually go back to the freak show of a church, and Husband HATED it. But the second time, I thought, "Huh, it wasn't as bad as I thought, and the kids LOVED it!" SO we went again, then again, then again. And this March will be a year that we have been going, and we have only missed two Sundays. I love the Pastor's, and the people. I read my Bible everyday. I even memorized Bible verses. Husband is applying God's Word into his own life, and the kids show much fire for God it is inspiring. I know raise my antennas up, while I sing at the top of my lungs. I pray all day long, and I believe in so much more than I even knew I could. I our lives are transforming!

Do I still sin? Ahhh yeah! I lose my patience and yell at poor Peanut for being a kid. I still have fear, and anxiety, but now I am equipped to handle it. I have even apologized to my mother and grandmother in law for all the hurt I have caused THEM. HA! I have a hard time keeping my "christian face" on all the time, and I still complain. But now I have God's amazing grace on my side, and his forgiveness!

Our lives have changed so much, that even my family is going, and they have been saved! God is good!

Ben Harper and Jack Johnson.."Two Hands"

I can change the world with my own two hands,

Make it a better place, with my own two hands

Make it a kinder place with my own two hands,

With my own, with my own, two hands

I can make peace on earth, with my own two hands,

I can clean up the earth, with my own two hands,

I can reach out to you, with my own two hands,

With my own, with my own, two hands.

With my own, with my own, two hands,

I'm gonna make it a brighter place, with my own two hands,

I'm gonna make it a safer place, with my own two hands,

I'm gonna help the human race, with my own two hands,

With my own, with my own, two hands,

with my own , with my own two hands,

I can hold you, in my own two hands,

And I can comfort you, with my own two hands,

But you got to use, use your own two hands,

Use your own, use your own two hands,

use your own, use your own, two hands,

With our own, with our own two hands,

with our own, with our own two hands,

With my own, with my own two hands.

Good ridden 2010

I am starting this brand new year with high hopes. I already feel like 2011 is going to be better, and is going to bring lots of good things. I have never been so excited for a new year to begin, nor as optimistic. I hope to stay this positive through out the year starting something new within my self. Last night was spent with my brother his wife, and their two kids, and of course my mother. They left early and I got to lay around with my husband and children. And though Not As Good had a migraine and fell asleep and Sweet Face had a belly ache from too many Doritos, I still was happy to be bringing in the New Year with the people I love the most. They say whatever you are doing when the New Year rings in, that is what your year will be like. That's fine with me, I let go of 2010 last night, I said my goodbyes. Goodbye to my bitterness and feelings of resentment, goodbye to Peanut's tantrums, goodbye to Sweet Face's depression, goodbye to Nana's cancer, and I am saying hello to enjoying life, and appreciating time with my loved ones. Hello to being grateful for God and his love, no matter how it comes, in hard times or easy. I am thankful for life i have been given and it is time I start acting that way. That is not to say I will be writing all gooey and positive stuff, I am human and I still hate poop. God given or not!

I will continue to be "real" throughout 2011. Hopefully I won't have to be real about poopy stuff, but let's be realistic, it's still life!

So hello 2011 and good ridden 2010... May the best days of the last year be the worse of the year to come! Happy New Year!