This morning I woke up, from a long night of tossing and turning anxious, and with a belly ache. As I lay there, asking God, to take this away from me, if he could, my Sweet Face crawled into bed with me. He wrapped his arms around me, and we talked and told stories, and laughed. He held me, as I realized that this wasn't an ordinary moment. Sweet Face was sent by Jesus to do the loving and nurturing that Jesus longed to do. I thanked God and got ready for my tests, and their results, with a lighter heart. It seemed perfectly clear to me, that my Lord and Savior was with me.
Two hours later, I found myself walking into the hospital with Deary, a great friend of mine, ready to face whatever I was to face, together. We walked into the Imaging Center to find three more loyal supporters in the waiting room. Mom, my Pastor, PM, and another good friend, ARE. I filled out the paper work, and tried to calm my nerves, and listened as Mom told stories. They called my name quickly and directed me to a changing room, where I was to undress from the waist up, and put on a poncho like thing that opened in the front, and was to wait in another waiting room, with all my glorious fat for all to see!
When it came time to go into the mammogram room, the large machine with clear plastic plates seemed intimidating. It towered over, and laughed at my impending doom. The TECH revealed my left breast, and walked away, leaving me feeling vulnerable, and silly. She then proceeded to flatten my breast, rub it, squish it, press it, and pull it into the machine. My poor little lady lumps were feeling violated and abused by the time all the different positions and pictures were taken. I was then guided back into another room to wait for my ultrasound.
The ultrasound went the same way. The tech wanted feel and prod, and finally squirt jelly on my lumps and take a look. We talked about lumps and jobs, and all sorts of things, and then she brought the Dr in. Then we repeated what was just done, and the Dr sits me up and says, "Everything looks fine. The mammogram didn't pick anything up, which means its just fat or something. Keep an eye on the lump under your armpit, and if it brings up other concern talk to your Dr, and then a surgeon. Otherwise we will see you when you are forty." I sat up in disbelief, rubbed the gel off, and went to change my clothes. All of that pressure and anxiety and preparation, for that... Of course it was good news, but is it that easy?
I walked into the waiting room and told my supporters the good news, and they all but jumped up and down.
At first I was shocked, but the longer it sits the more relieved I am. The thought of cancer was scary, and lonely. I learned a lot about who really cares about me, and who doesn't, in these last few days. I learned that there are some people you can always count on, and some you probably won't ever be able to count on. Some people who talk the "Christian" talk, but are still confused about the walk. But most of all, I realized how much God has my back, and how much I can depend on Him. No matter what the diagnosis would have been today, I was sure that everything was going to be alright. I also got to see, just how scary cancer is, and have more empathy than I had originally, which is always a good things. My hope is that we keep fighting cancer, and that no one reading this ever has to experience even the possibility of cancer, but if you ever do, know that God is in control, and our hearts only stop beating when He says they do!
Thank you so much for the support, and the prayers!
