Thursday, October 18, 2012

October 24, 2007

   " Weds. October 24, 2007
             Dear God, 
                I know it is... I don't know awful, I guess, but there's not much about Husband I like anymore. He's so selfish and it effects so many parts of our lives. He's not supportive, he's not a very good husband or father. He love us, but I think its only because of the way we make him feel.I don;t think that I can be happy with him forever. I wish I had realized this before. He doesn't do anything I ask him to do, not without begging him. He barely takes care of Sweet Face. I don't get any sleep. He doesn't support me or my dreams. In fact I feel like he holds me back. I feel like a single mother, only I don't have to work. Is that what marriage is? I feel like a slave, and I have to be honest, I wasn't cut out for this. I don't know how to bring it up and I am not even sure it would be worth it. He'd be a jerk, we would fight, and I would be hurt. There are some days where I am so miserable. The thought that I might have cancer someday, and he would have to take care of me; it petrifies me. I could never depend on him.  And the kids would never be taken care of. What am I doing? I really am so lost and confused. What do I do? I guess I should just go about my business and accomplish my dreams and maybe he will jump on board or maybe I will find the strength to leave. I need to learn how to make myself happy. Me and my kids should be my focus. Help me Lord, help me accomplish all the things I want and be the best parent I can be. Help me Lord, please! "   


 Just three days after our first wedding anniversary, I made this entry in my journal. A year into our marriage and I was ready to give up... I read this entry now, and see that it is full of accusations and things that I wanted. Not once did I mention what Husband may have needed. Not once did I stop to question what I was doing, or even that wanting to follow my own dreams, may have been selfish. My desire for self gratitude, could have very possibly and realistically, destroyed my marriage.The things I said about Husband were true at the time, but I was to blame as well. My attitude, if nothing else, had a huge impact on Husband's. If nothing he was to ever do was satisfactory, why would he bother to continue to try...

I am proud, and grateful to say that today, just a few days away from our six year anniversary, I can see how much of our struggle was some of my fault, and I continue to try, through God's grace and His strength to improve myself. Husband and I are more in love than we have ever been. Though our marriage by no means is perfect, my journal entries are usually laced with much more gratitude and love. I am lucky to have a man like Husband, someone who I could grow close to God with, and someone who always wanted to work  on our relationship. Someone who has always loved me, sometimes more than I deserved! 

What a difference God can make in a marriage, if we choose to let Him not only in, but control it!

P.S. I love you Husband, and I am so proud of the man you have become, and the couple we are!

2 comments:

  1. Aw, thanks for sharing that, Liz! I'm not married yet, but it is refreshing to see that even with so much against you in that first year, you've worked on it and came out better for it. I can only hope that one day I will have the strength to work on marriage instead of give up when times get tough. Happy anniversary!

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  2. Thanks Rainey, and let me be clear... I felt like that until I was saved! and that is the truth! Thank you for encouraging me!

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