A Mother's Grace

The day I found out I was going to be a mom, was.... nothing less than dramatic. I looked over at the stick sitting on the sink as I pulled up my pants, and the unmistakable double pink lines showed up. "This can't be real!" I panicked, and looked at Husband, (then, I'm sorry to say, Boyfriend) for a swift reality check. I called him into the bathroom, and handed him the stick. As I stood there biting at my cuticles, ( I know it is a disgusting habit) I watched for some sign that he and I were on the same page. It couldn't be real and we would be shocked, and horrified at the same time, together. Instead, he looked up at me and smiled! Yeah, I said it, smiled. That is not a typo. I was overwhelmed with confusion and as a response all I could think to do was to hit him. So I did. I mean, how could he do this to me. Shouldn't someone have asked my permission before altering the rest of my life? A child/ With him? What did I really know about him? What did I really know about me? I knew I liked my life just the way it was, I knew that a child would make life hard. I knew that, I hadn't gone to college, I didn't even have a legit job, I was a nanny. How was I supposed to care for a CHILD?
I took a big breathe, grabbed my car keys and got out of there. I drove myself to the store, where I bought three more boxes of pregnancy tests. This could NOT be happening. I went to my friends house where I peed on all six test, and every one of them yelling at me with there neon lines, and blinking "pregnancy" response... It was time to face the music. I was pregnant! Now what was I going to do about it?
There was never a time in my life where I thought abortion would even be an option, and it wasn't then. I was going to have this child... but was I going to do it alone? Was I going to try to make things work with boyfriend? What is the normal procedure for all of this? I had a lot of thinking to do, and needed boyfriend there to help make the decisions, if I were to be fair. So that;s what we did. We made the decision to raise this child together. We got a two bedroom apartment, and moved in together. Boyfriend worked a full time job as a carpenter, and I worked part time as a nanny and would try to find another job, until the baby came.
The next nine months went quickly, and they were hard. We struggled to grow up, and fought against the adult responsibility we now faced. We took that time to figure out our roles in each other's lives, and I have to say, it didn't look promising. Boyfriend didn't want to give up his old life, for this new one. And I knew he might never do so,and resentfully I accepted that I had to change.
              I dreamt of what my baby boy would look like, and what being a mom would feel like. I don't ever remember being really excited, I just remember waiting. Waiting for my new life, waiting for my old body, (insert hysterical laughter here) waiting for boyfriend to man up, waiting to feel the love every mother talks about, waiting to be happy.
My journey into motherhood has been hard, and I learn more and more lessons.
         When Sweet Face made his appearance into this world, my life did change, drastically. And as some of you know, I might not have felt that immediate connection with him, but eventually I fell harder for him than I ever imagined possible. Boyfriend, (Who I can proudly call Husband) and I made the tough decision to stay together, and to  make our family the best we could. It was hard, and terrible, and stressful, and I cried more tears than I ever thought I could, but I have learned to LOVE him harder than I ever thought I could. Choosing to start a family , and to start that family with Husband changed my life, and I can say it was for the better. If I hadn't who knows where I would be right now. What kind of path I could have taken, what I can say with certainty, is that whatever that road had been, it wouldn't have been as beautiful. This road was so bumpy, and bendy, oh but the scenery has been gorgeous. Now I have this beautiful God given family.
            Husband, possibly the greatest man I have ever known. He isn't perfect, but he is strong, and protective. He loves me and the kids, and he lives to please God. He has a great heart, and is willing to do whatever it takes to better himself. He has these piercing blue almond shaped eyes, that can melt my heart on my coldest days. His hands, though rough, are big and perfect, and I have never felt anything but safe in them. And you don't even want to get me started on his perfect lips.... let's just leave it at that... They are perfect. God knew what He was doing when he paired me up with Husband. Husband let's me be who I am, no matter how crazy or erratic that may be, he let's me giving with the money he works hard to make. He opens his home, and heart to others, and he loves harder than I could ever imagine doing. I wish I could love as greatly as he does.
          Sweet Face is an amazing kid. With big brown eyes, and dark olive skin, and his father's perfect lips, his smile, could calm the most violent of storms. He was born generous, and sensitive. He is determined to succeed in life, but strives to be kind above all else. He loves God, and wants to do whatever it takes to get closer to him. He has the singing voice of an angel, and has a musical talent that I have only dreamt for. He is so smart, that even though he has dyslexia, he still works hard, and teaches himself a way to learn the things he needs to, and has never been behind. He is thoughtful, and has a strong, good heart. I am proud to be his Mom Mom!
          And Peanut, oh Peanut. My little soul mate. She has these big puppy dog eyes, and she know how to use them. The same perfect lips that her brother and father have, creating the cutest little girl alive, and paired up with her sweet disposition... She is a force to be reckoned with. She has strong will, and can't be talked into anything. She is a born leader, and she loves hard. She is one of the smartest and observant people I have ever met. She is kind, and polite. She wants everyone to get a long, and not only did she complete our family, I feel like she saved it. She loves God, and writes songs praising Him, all on her own. She has an amazing artistic ability, and can figure out just about anything. She is sensitive in her own right, and just wants everyone to feel loved. I am honored to have her as a part of my life.
 This is my family. We are messy, and sloppy, and our house is never clean. We fight and we cry, and sometimes we treat each other poorly, but I have never experienced more love than I do everyday after I chose to make this my family. I feel not only luck but grateful that God chose me to be a part of these amazing people's lives, and I am so glad I get to spend the rest of mine learning from them, and laughing with them, loving them, hugging them, kissing them, crying with them, and growing closer to God with them. Everyday is a day the Lord has made, but in my days, I get to spend it with the three greatest people on this Earth... So I will today and everyday, rejoice and be glad in it!
                           My family is this Mother's grace.

Loving Life.....

As most of you know, if you had read my blog at all it becomes apparent, that I never really liked being a parent... (Ha! Get it?) To be completely honest, i have spent the majority of my adult life, loathing the fact that Husband has "domesticated" me in some part. I hated it all, being a wife, being a mother, living in a house, in my hometown, driving a minivan, being committed to these people, for the rest of my life. No matter what I did, I could never escape Husband, or the children I bore him.

 Now before I go on, I would like to make it very clear, that I hated the role, not the people. I have always deeply loved Husband and Sweet Face, and Peanut. My love and my devotion to being the best wife/mother I knew how, was never a question for me. I decided to live this way, and whether or not I was miserable was to know fault of theirs, so I gave them my best, which I realize now, wasn't even close to my best, but it was the greatest effort I had in me at the time.

I know that I have touched on this topic before, but I feel like God just keeps putting it on my heart, and I guess I need to dig a little deeper.... Isn't that what it is all about? Bearing your soul, in order to bring other's closer to Him? And in that process, there is an amazing grace that allows us to become closer to the Lord, as we stand their spiritually naked, for all to see. Luckily, my baring gets to come in typed words, across a computer screen... Yay ME!

So there I was, barely twenty two and ready to give birth to my first child. I stupidly made the mistake of thinking that because I had nannied for so many years, motherhood was going to come naturally, and easily.... What a fool I was. I also believed that I would fall deeply in love and become emotionally attached the very second Sweet Face entered the world. And for me, that was not true.

Instead I found postpartum depression, and a constant struggle to find my true identity, because who I spent the last 22 years being, was no longer going to cut it! So I threw myself into being Sweet Faces mother, and only looking back at who I once was, with a longing heart. I forgot the role of Husband's significant other, or daughter, or sister or friend. I was so determined to be a good mom that I forgot about all the other things I was to other people.

So to correct some of it, I decided that yes, I would finally marry Husband, who obviously was only Boyfriend at the time, and soon found myself lost in the role of wife and mother. And not happily. I went along day to day with an emptiness and longing that I am not sure I ever really felt before. It was powerful, and I was powerless. I searched to fill it, I burried myself into Sweet Face, and made him my entire life, and when the little joy I got from his laughter, or kisses or hugs wore off at the end of the day,  I was left in the draft of the hole I felt deep in my soul. Inspiration was dead to me, I no longer read, or wrote, I quit playing my violin, and eventually, I even stopped singing and listening to music. I didn't even keep a journal, (something I had practiced since being fourteen years old.) So I decided to have another baby... Double love, would equal double the satisfaction, right?

Well what happens when you double nothing? You get nothing! There had to have been some sense of satisfaction in order for that to have worked. But never the less, Peanut was created. While pregnant, Husband left, not sure he wanted to be a Husband and Father, and I remember not even being all that angry. I could relate to that, only in this society, the woman doesn't get that chance. Or at least it is not as acceptable. To be honest, I think there is something commendable about a parent taking a step back and saying, "I can't do for this child what needs to be done." It doesn't lessen their love for that child, on the contrary, knowing that your love, or dedication or the lack there of, isn't enough for said child, is expressing some of the deepest love. The most unselfishness! And Husband wasn't sure he could face the challenge.

Of course after Peanut entered the world, Husband stepped back up to the plate, and for a brief moment, I was happy. Peanut completed our family, and I felt like she was an angel sent from heaven to get us on the right track. Things were looking up! But when we put our trust and faith into some false truth, that up doesn't stay long, and the gaping hole I had artificially filled was getting bigger.

It wasn't until I truly dedicated my life to knowing God, and getting closer to Him, and doing His work.... Until I had been born again, did I realize that I was unhappy because I was holding onto who I used to be... And I held so much resentment towards Husband and truth be told towards Sweet Face and Peanut as well. They had turned me into a housewife, a stay home mother, a soccer mom, for crying out loud. I couldn't even remember who I was anymore; I hadn't laughed for ages, or barely smiled. I thought of my amazing family as a weight, holding me down and away from my true destiny, from my greatness.

Now two things can be said about that last statement. The first, it's astonishing how important I must have thought I was, that my CHOICE of having not one but two babies, was keeping me from my greatness? Why did I think I was that great to begin with? And the second... I didn't even have a clue as to what I thought I was supposed to be doing other than raising a family, and why it would be more important, but I knew THEy were holding me back.. Ha!

When I realized that this life wasn't even supposed to be about me, things started to change. But when I realized that I am who and where I am because it was God's plan, and He doesn't consult you first. He just carries on. It is much more satisfying to go with it, than it is to fight it. And then I repented for resenting Husband and Kids.

Just recently I have truly accepted my role as housewife/stay at home mom. I love it. And I realize that might be who I am forever, or it might change, but it is NOT for me to decide. God gives you your identity, our identities are in Him, and when He assigns us to something, it is not usually our job to question Him, but we are to obey faithfully. He put me where I am for a reason. And I not only owe it to Him, but to Husband, Sweet Face, and Peanut to give them my best, not in my own strength, but in the Lord's strength. I finally am happy, right where I am in life, and am satisfied for the most part. I am starting to remember who I am, and my identity is becoming clearer. I am a child of God. I was assigned two beautiful, spiritual children, to raise in Christ, because THEY, without a doubt are going to change the world. I am the mother to a child with dyslexia, and though it gets hard, He chose me, because He knew I would rely on His strength to get Sweet Face through all of His trials. I was awarded Peanut. Even though there are days that I want to give up, and run away, or scream so loud, because she is so "spirited" I was given her because God knew, I would, through Him, overcome and grow more patient and loving, and raise her to be the same. I was paired with Husband because we are complete opposites. With very little in common, God knew that with any other man, I may not have come to Christ, and with any other woman Husband may not have either. Because when you have two halves they equal a whole, and Husband absolutely completes me. There is so much in this world that those three amazing people in my life have and will continue to show me, and now that I am not relying on my own strength, I can look at my family without bitterness, and full of gratitude.

Remember that gaping hole? All that's left there, is the memory of it. The Lord has filled it with love, and strength and grace. And for that alone I am thankful. I may not ALWAYS love being a mother or wife, but I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I look back now at my old life, and just think about how lucky I am to have those memories, but to go back.... I wouldn't want it if God offered it. What I have now, is so much more.

For the first time, in a really long time, and possibly EVER, I can say without a trace of sarcasm and in all honesty, that I LOVE MY LIFE! Thank you Lord Jesus!

Our Savior and the Easter Bunny too!

               I don't know if there is anyone out there who puts as much "thought" (because its really more like an obsession, ha) as I seem to, into things their kids do, or how to get a point across, but the last few days I have been really trying to figure out, how we can have the Easter Bunny, and all his candy, yet still make Jesus the most important thing about this day!           
               After stuffing the eggs, for our family Easter egg hunt, I had to fill out a card to Sweet Face, from the Toothfairy.( I know he had quite a morning this morning.) And it dawned on me....
                 The Easter Bunny would leave a note too, explaining the real meaning of Easter, and that he hid their baskets, and eggs. It was a perfect way to squeeze the Word in there, without sounding redundant. We also prayed after finding all of the goodies, and thanked God once again for sending us an ultimate sacrifice, for being tortured, dying, and going to hell to defeat the devil, so that we could be forgiven every time we make a mistake, which is more often than not, even though we never had, nor do we now, deserve it! And for giving us authority over the devil and all his demons, which include, illness, and fear!
                 And when we sit down for breakfast we will read together Matthew 27-28. And explain what all that means. But in the mean while, I wanted to give you the letter we received, as an example. I just thought it was a really nice way to remember the unselfishness, during what ends up being such a selfish time. Let's face it Easter should be about giving and loving, and honoring, each other. It should be about showing God's love, and doing His work, about rededicating our lives to living each day, every hour, every moment, in a Christ like way; Brave, and strong, and always willing to do the right thing, even though it is scary.
       So here is the letter!
                          " Dear SweetFace and Peanut,
                                   Happy Easter! Isn't Easter exciting?
                           I think it is so wonderful how Jesus died
                           on the cross so that everyone could be
                           forgiven for all the wrong they and go to heaven for eternity? And then on Easter, he won the fight with the devil and came back to life, then went to heaven to be with our Father, God!
                        I left you Easter baskets for each of you, and hid them. I also left some eggs, they are everywhere. Good Luck and God Bless,
                               E.B."

I do think it is important for us to remind our kids what this holiday is truly about, but I think it is important that they have fun with it too. I don't see any reason that we can't have the best of both worlds for Easter!
                                  "All of the authority in heaven has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all  nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
                                              Matthew 28:18-20
 What good news for all of us, and very specific instructions. It doesn't seem to get any clearer than that. We are to make new disciples, and where is a better to start than at home, with our children. The clay that we have been entrusted by God to mold into a Christ like image!
                           And that was told, AFTER he died on the cross!
   Happy Easter everyone, and I hope you enjoy all of your miracles and blessings! God Bless!
                          

Good Friday

         I have always understood the importance of Good Friday, but until I was "born again" I don't think I have ever FELT the importance. I have known the story, read the story, even watched the story, (The Passion...) and still never really felt it.
         This morning I woke up before the kids, and decided it was a great time to read the bible. I usually read it at bedtime, but something, let's credit the Holy Spirit, urged me to read it first thing this morning. I opened the Bible to Mark Ch 27. The day of Good Friday. As I read through Judas' guilt and grief, and Pilates sentence, (Proof that you shouldn't be a people pleaser! I mean, how would have liked to be the guy that sentenced the Messiah to death?) And the torment Jesus had to face, I was overwhelmed with compassion and gratitude.
       Think about what Jesus knew was coming! He could see his betrayal, his death and his torment ahead of time. He faced mockers, and was spit on, and beaten. Stripped of his clothes and humiliated. He faced it all with courage, strength, and grace. And he continued to do the things our Father, His father, had asked Him to do, knowing the outcome. It's discerning to think about how many don't know His love, or understand it, how many people out there don't even understand the price that was paid.
         The only perfect person we will ever see, dies, was convicted, humiliated and tortured, for the sins that had been committed, for the sins that were being committed, and the sins that were going to be committed. What has any of us ever done to deserve any of that? I know that when I think about it, I am consumed with warmth and feelings of love. It is horrible that Jesus had to suffer so much, but I suppose had it been quick and easy, we wouldn't have gotten the point. We wouldn't have understood just what was sacrificed, but today should be a day of rejoicing and gratefulness. Because our Christ, Jesus, was so selfless and pure, and obeying and faithful, we get to see the glory of eternity. We have someone to strive to be like, the perfect example, we have God's grace, and His strength, and forgiveness and we never have to face anything alone, or on our own accord. Praise Jesus for His sacrifice, and remember what this holiday is truly about. I feel so blessed and grateful today, and thinking about what today means, makes me want to worker harder to be more like Christ, it makes me want to recommit myself to spreading His Word, and doing His work.

Watch enjoy this video, of Hillsong United's song "At the Cross"

                                                Have a great Good Friday, and Praise God.

homemade natural deodorant.... What?

                If you have read my last few posts, you would have learned that very recently my mother suffered from three minor strokes in two and a half weeks. Since then we, as in me, have been trying to get healthier, fitter, and doing things that are safer, healthier for us...

            I am trying to start slowly, eating more fish, cutting out sugar, (which is proving difficult, especially with Easter right around the corner) and today I ventured into making my own deodorant. I know it seems crazy, but for only 1/8 cup of baking soda, 1/8 cup of cornstarch, and 3 TBS of coconut oil, I made an entire stick of deodorant. I just mixed it together and put it into an old deodorant stick container... thingy. I got the recipe from smashedpeasandcarrots.blogspot.com.

           Tomorrow, I get to see just how well my new deodorant works, as I workout! I am so excited to do these things. I don't want to just improve my life, but my children's lives, and the environment.... I want to be who God meant for us to be!

                Wish me luck!

Status: Couch Potato

        After watching my mother suffer three strokes, I decided that it is time I learn to take care of myself,  to teach my children how to be healthy, and to start living a better lifestyle. I have recently learned that I have low b12, and my good cholesterol is too low. Which are two common factors I happen to share with my mother.
         There's nothing I can really do about the b12, but in order to raise my good cholesterol, I need to start doing aerobic exercising, eating fish three times a week, eating more nuts, and so forth.... which is harder than one would think, since, I don't really like those foods, and I am lazy.
        Let's face it, I could make lots of excuses and say I am tired, or I have asthma, or I have two kids, and allergies, and blah... And all those things are true, but it really comes down to being lazy! And it is time, for the sake of me, for the sake of my children, and of course, because God wants me to care for my body, I have made some new goals.
       I started playing softball for my church's softball team, and after one practice, my body is so horribly sore, that I am actually a little disgusted with myself. So I decided now is the time to train for a 5k. And to really get into shape. So here is the beginning, and my new schedule. which will be a little harder because of the kids, but while it is spring, I can start anytime during the day it won't be too hot, all I really need is the motivation.
        So here I am, putting it out into the cyber world, for all 11 of you to read, and hold me accountable. I signed Husband and myself up for a 5k in September, giving me quited a bit of time, to start training. I was going to start today, but my body was too sore~ So tomorrow starts day1 of week one! I'm pumped people. And I figure while I do this, I will chart my weight as well.
              I am  5'5.5" I weigh about 152 lbs. I wear a size 8 pants, and med/large shirt. Alright, let's do this!
                                                          WEEK ONE:
Monday:  35 min of the dance game on the kinect

Tuesday: rest

Weds: Run 4min walk 2 min repeat 5 times for total of 30 min.

Thursday: run 4 min, walk 2 min. Repeat 5 times for total 30 min

Friday: run 4 min, walk 2 min. Repeat 5x

Saturday: 30 minute walk with the fam.
two hour softball practice

Sunday: rest or walk.
                                     
In between I will be doing cardio with the dance game on the kinect, and hopefully some other things. We are going to do this! And anyone who wants to join me in my journey to be a better healthier me, please leave a comment or join my site! Good luck, and God Bless

Strokes, school, houses, and kids

               The last few weeks, year, life.... has been stressful. My mother recently suffered three small strokes in three weeks. She has been in the hospital four over half of those weeks, and is now in a rehab trying to learn how to walk again. II have learned so much from this experience. I have learned the importance of taken good care of myself, of teaching my kids how to care for themselves the right way, and what can happen if we don't start lifelong changes today! I have learned what I can do as an adult. I feel like I have grown up during this time. Before I would call Mom with any problem, any question, and I never realized how much I still depended on her in my adult life. She was the first person I turned to for comfort and guidance, and now she has to rely in me. I know now how much I can do, and that in any situation if I am leaning on God, I can be stretched pretty far. I can spend weeks in the hospital, even though my fear is at a all time high. (Do you know how many germs are in those hospitals? The thoughts that circulate through my mind are atrocious. I would share them, but I don't want to make any one else afraid!) I can sleep in the back of my van in a parking garage in Pittsburgh, if I have to, even though my flesh tells me its dangerous! I can pray for people I don't know, even though I really, really, rather not. I've seen how far I can be stretched, even though I feel lonely and cold, and angry at the people I thought I could depend on, and have found out I can't. I've learned that Husband really does make me whole, and when I need lifted up, he tried hard to be my strength. What a blessing He is. Even when I am mean to him for no reason, he responds with love, and prayer and gentleness. He truly completes me.
          I've learned how much I miss and love my kids, and how understanding they can be. I have seen them, especially Peanut, sit in hospitals day after day, so well behaved, being God's light at such a dark time in so many lives! And I am on the verge of learning much about patience. Mom's mind is slower, and it takes her a long time to say something, or to get somewhere. Sometimes, she just forgets it all. She gets frustrated, but her strength and persistence is absolutely inspiring! She is a fighter and a full recovery is expected. I have also learned, probably the most important lesson of all, to let it go. To give it God, and have faith that he will make it good. When the doctor came in the other day and told us, he literally had NO answers to give us. He didn't know why this kept happening, or how to prevent it from happening again, all we were left to do, is pray, and know that God is listening, and will answer. And I do believe it. I believe He will show us what to do next, and how to take care of Mom. I have handed it to Him.
          I have seen God's grace and His love throughout this experience. All three times Mom had a stroke, I have been present so I know what to look for, and got her help as quickly as possible. They have been small episodes, and though she has a hard time walking and brain function isn't as sharp as it was, it could have been much worse. She could be paralyzed, or dead. There's a blessing in that alone! She has stopped smoking. A woman who has smoked my entire life, and long before, has finally been scared enough to stop, and she is taking better care of herself. She feels closer to God, and is learning to trust others. There really is good in all situations!
        During all of this, I have continued to go to college, and take tests and midterms, which has been a different type of stress all of its own! But I have continued to do it, and I am now closer to actually finishing something, especially a class, then Ihave ever been before. God has granted me with so many beautiful blessings, that it's almost hard to believe. It isn't hard to see how much He loves me, however. Only a fool would not be able to see that. And though I am not sure I did all that great on my midterm, I do think I at least "passed" it, and that is really all I can ask for.
        We also have been house hunting. Through God's grace, we have been qualified for our very first house loan. Something very exciting to us, and if you come back later, there will be a post on that subject all its own. Though an amazing gift from God, buying a house, especially by someone who isn't such a fan of commitment; as myself, can be very stressful. Finding the "right" home is exhausting. Then Husband and I keep praying and relying on the Holy Spirit to tell us which is right. We know that if it is God's will, we will be able to handle it, but hearing God in this particular part of our lives, is much harder than I had expected! Yet, once again, it is being a lesson from God. I am learning that I need to let Husband have the most control in this situation, after all, what do I really know about houses? I just know if I like them, and the yard is doable! lol.
     And then there is the kids! Because of my absence in the home, and Husband being a much more..... how should I put it..."relaxed" parent. Sweet Face and Peanut seem to be getting used to doing whatever they want. When I finally do get to come home, I am greeted with defient children, and laundry and a messy house... Not to mention homework, and whinging, and b12 shots, and trying to eat, and grocery shopping, and this new twitch in the corner of my right eye, that makes it hard to keep it open, and my head feels like someone hit it in the back with a baseball bat.... But do not worry my faithful readers! I will be stressless again soon. Everyday I get a little better at handing it all over to God. I mean really, it says in Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." And I am continually learning that "worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere!" For once again it says in Matthew 6:27, "Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life."
        So i guess today's lesson is, "Don't worry, be happy" The creator of all things is in control. And no matter how you spin, you aren't! If I had to give up control to someone, I rather it be Him. He created all things, He must know what He is doing!