Loving Life.....

As most of you know, if you had read my blog at all it becomes apparent, that I never really liked being a parent... (Ha! Get it?) To be completely honest, i have spent the majority of my adult life, loathing the fact that Husband has "domesticated" me in some part. I hated it all, being a wife, being a mother, living in a house, in my hometown, driving a minivan, being committed to these people, for the rest of my life. No matter what I did, I could never escape Husband, or the children I bore him.

 Now before I go on, I would like to make it very clear, that I hated the role, not the people. I have always deeply loved Husband and Sweet Face, and Peanut. My love and my devotion to being the best wife/mother I knew how, was never a question for me. I decided to live this way, and whether or not I was miserable was to know fault of theirs, so I gave them my best, which I realize now, wasn't even close to my best, but it was the greatest effort I had in me at the time.

I know that I have touched on this topic before, but I feel like God just keeps putting it on my heart, and I guess I need to dig a little deeper.... Isn't that what it is all about? Bearing your soul, in order to bring other's closer to Him? And in that process, there is an amazing grace that allows us to become closer to the Lord, as we stand their spiritually naked, for all to see. Luckily, my baring gets to come in typed words, across a computer screen... Yay ME!

So there I was, barely twenty two and ready to give birth to my first child. I stupidly made the mistake of thinking that because I had nannied for so many years, motherhood was going to come naturally, and easily.... What a fool I was. I also believed that I would fall deeply in love and become emotionally attached the very second Sweet Face entered the world. And for me, that was not true.

Instead I found postpartum depression, and a constant struggle to find my true identity, because who I spent the last 22 years being, was no longer going to cut it! So I threw myself into being Sweet Faces mother, and only looking back at who I once was, with a longing heart. I forgot the role of Husband's significant other, or daughter, or sister or friend. I was so determined to be a good mom that I forgot about all the other things I was to other people.

So to correct some of it, I decided that yes, I would finally marry Husband, who obviously was only Boyfriend at the time, and soon found myself lost in the role of wife and mother. And not happily. I went along day to day with an emptiness and longing that I am not sure I ever really felt before. It was powerful, and I was powerless. I searched to fill it, I burried myself into Sweet Face, and made him my entire life, and when the little joy I got from his laughter, or kisses or hugs wore off at the end of the day,  I was left in the draft of the hole I felt deep in my soul. Inspiration was dead to me, I no longer read, or wrote, I quit playing my violin, and eventually, I even stopped singing and listening to music. I didn't even keep a journal, (something I had practiced since being fourteen years old.) So I decided to have another baby... Double love, would equal double the satisfaction, right?

Well what happens when you double nothing? You get nothing! There had to have been some sense of satisfaction in order for that to have worked. But never the less, Peanut was created. While pregnant, Husband left, not sure he wanted to be a Husband and Father, and I remember not even being all that angry. I could relate to that, only in this society, the woman doesn't get that chance. Or at least it is not as acceptable. To be honest, I think there is something commendable about a parent taking a step back and saying, "I can't do for this child what needs to be done." It doesn't lessen their love for that child, on the contrary, knowing that your love, or dedication or the lack there of, isn't enough for said child, is expressing some of the deepest love. The most unselfishness! And Husband wasn't sure he could face the challenge.

Of course after Peanut entered the world, Husband stepped back up to the plate, and for a brief moment, I was happy. Peanut completed our family, and I felt like she was an angel sent from heaven to get us on the right track. Things were looking up! But when we put our trust and faith into some false truth, that up doesn't stay long, and the gaping hole I had artificially filled was getting bigger.

It wasn't until I truly dedicated my life to knowing God, and getting closer to Him, and doing His work.... Until I had been born again, did I realize that I was unhappy because I was holding onto who I used to be... And I held so much resentment towards Husband and truth be told towards Sweet Face and Peanut as well. They had turned me into a housewife, a stay home mother, a soccer mom, for crying out loud. I couldn't even remember who I was anymore; I hadn't laughed for ages, or barely smiled. I thought of my amazing family as a weight, holding me down and away from my true destiny, from my greatness.

Now two things can be said about that last statement. The first, it's astonishing how important I must have thought I was, that my CHOICE of having not one but two babies, was keeping me from my greatness? Why did I think I was that great to begin with? And the second... I didn't even have a clue as to what I thought I was supposed to be doing other than raising a family, and why it would be more important, but I knew THEy were holding me back.. Ha!

When I realized that this life wasn't even supposed to be about me, things started to change. But when I realized that I am who and where I am because it was God's plan, and He doesn't consult you first. He just carries on. It is much more satisfying to go with it, than it is to fight it. And then I repented for resenting Husband and Kids.

Just recently I have truly accepted my role as housewife/stay at home mom. I love it. And I realize that might be who I am forever, or it might change, but it is NOT for me to decide. God gives you your identity, our identities are in Him, and when He assigns us to something, it is not usually our job to question Him, but we are to obey faithfully. He put me where I am for a reason. And I not only owe it to Him, but to Husband, Sweet Face, and Peanut to give them my best, not in my own strength, but in the Lord's strength. I finally am happy, right where I am in life, and am satisfied for the most part. I am starting to remember who I am, and my identity is becoming clearer. I am a child of God. I was assigned two beautiful, spiritual children, to raise in Christ, because THEY, without a doubt are going to change the world. I am the mother to a child with dyslexia, and though it gets hard, He chose me, because He knew I would rely on His strength to get Sweet Face through all of His trials. I was awarded Peanut. Even though there are days that I want to give up, and run away, or scream so loud, because she is so "spirited" I was given her because God knew, I would, through Him, overcome and grow more patient and loving, and raise her to be the same. I was paired with Husband because we are complete opposites. With very little in common, God knew that with any other man, I may not have come to Christ, and with any other woman Husband may not have either. Because when you have two halves they equal a whole, and Husband absolutely completes me. There is so much in this world that those three amazing people in my life have and will continue to show me, and now that I am not relying on my own strength, I can look at my family without bitterness, and full of gratitude.

Remember that gaping hole? All that's left there, is the memory of it. The Lord has filled it with love, and strength and grace. And for that alone I am thankful. I may not ALWAYS love being a mother or wife, but I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I look back now at my old life, and just think about how lucky I am to have those memories, but to go back.... I wouldn't want it if God offered it. What I have now, is so much more.

For the first time, in a really long time, and possibly EVER, I can say without a trace of sarcasm and in all honesty, that I LOVE MY LIFE! Thank you Lord Jesus!