My soul is crying out in desperation. It yearns for something more than being a mother, a wife, daughter, or friend. In all of those titles, not one actually describes who I am, just what. I'm lost in a sea of should be's. I am doggy paddling as who i am supposed to be, just barely passing through the massive waters.
There was once a time when I swam with forceful, confident strokes, now I am constantly gaping for air. Most of the time the water is so far above my head, I just want to give up...
How did I get so lost and incomplete?
I do love my life, or at least I know I should! I have wonderful children, who give me more love, and patience, and caring that I could ever ask for. An amazing husband that works hard to give me everything I need and want, both emotionally, and financially. I have good friends, and great family, yet I feel the constant presence of my empty loneliness. I don't understand it, nor how to change. I have come to realize that I can't do it on my own, that I have to turn it over to a higher power, and ask God for help... That's all I can do!"
That was a post I had written more than a year ago. December 5, 2010, If I remember correctly. I don't often think of that time in my life. At least not if I can help it. It was a horrible time, filled with desperation, and loss. I was truly searching for something that was going to fill the emptiness inside of me. I knew that I was blessed, and I had so many things in my life that other people have only dreamt about, but I couldn't help the sorrow. I was seriously searching for something; for some sort of answers.
It wasn't until my niece, My Spiritual Rock, was in pre- term labor, and we were at a hospital an hour away from home, that I finally found what it was I didn't know I was looking for. We were talking about her new found faith, her "bible pushing" attitude, and how I wasn't interested. I believed Jesus was my savior, and that was good enough for me. Then she asked me, in what I thought was an unrelated way, if I ever wanted more than the life I had. If I ever felt like I was missing something. "Every day of my life I wake up empty, and I lay back down, and pray that God shows me something. I have no idea what to do with my life, but I feel like I am supposed to do something more." With eyes full of pity, she said she had the perfect book for me. Someone had given it to her, but she never got around to reading it, and heard that it filled that purpose. Ironically, it was called The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren.
It's a book that you read one chapter a day, for forty days. You make a commitment to read it everyday, with an open heart. Ready to receive the word of God. This book literally changed my life! I realized shortly what life was really meant to be. We were put here, to love God, to serve Him, and to become like Christ. That it really isn't about THIS life, but This life is about preparing for the next one. I came to understand that the church I was going to for the past six years, wasn't filling me the way I need, and that I hadn't gained any fellowship.... Of any sort, and I learned that you need other Christians to challenge you, to love you, to guide you, and to challenge, love, and guide them in return!
It wasn't long after that, that I started attending the church I presently go to. I realized I wasn't as great of a Christian as I thought I was, and I am not even sure I was ever truly saved, but I was eventually born again. And though I can not say that this HUGE transformation occurred right away, I have been changed. It has been slow, and it hasn't been easy, but through listening to God, and obeying Him, reading the Word, and turning my life into something I could represent Him in, I have found my hope. I realize that God's love is never ending, it never fails, it never gives up... "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
I think it is important to not only look at this verse, and apply it to your everyday life. Your love with your spouse, or your love with your kids. The love we feel for our friends, siblings, aunt, uncles, even strangers that we are required to love, (biblically speaking) But this verse is so much more powerful when we look at it from God's point of view. This is not only the way we ought to love one another, but this is a testimony of God's love for us!
When I realized all of this, and that there really was a plan for my life, I started slowly transforming. I love harder, I forgive easier. I have humbled myself repeatedly by apologizing to people, I would NEVER want to apologize to. And I wake up more often happy and content, than I do not. And when I begin thinking I need more, I remember that I am where God wants me to be right now, I am doing what He wants me to do right now, I am WHO He wants me to be, RIGHT NOW. I'm sure that everyday is not going to be joyous, I am human, but I can take solace in knowing that, when I wake up angry, and discontent, when I act ungraciously, or ungrateful, my Rock was sent here and sacrificed so that I can be forgiven and free from all of my discrepancies. And that with each repentance I can start a new day, a new hour, or a new minute. All I have to do is pray, and He will take care of me, remove my sorrow, and shower me in His love. As long as I keep doing what I am He wants me to do, right now!
What a awesome testimony of how God can transform a person's life! As 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, you are a new creation in Christ, and that is so evident. :)
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