Monday, November 26, 2012

Support our Troups

     My little Sweet Face, has for a year now, at least, been talking about being a soldier. He loves seeing them, and shaking their hands, and talks about being a hero, and keeping others safe often. At first, I discouraged him. I told him what really happens during a war, and that its a lot of work, and sometimes people get hurt or die. Then God showed me that being a soldier, is a calling. Something he asks people to do. As much as I prefer he just be something like a dentist, it felt clear to me, that I should nurture this curiosity, and possibly someday career choice of his. ( he's only seven, so who knows!)
     We started looking for ways to volunteer, or show our support to the troops. Something he can be proud to do. Because let's face it, this year had been just as hard on him, as it has been on me, if not harder. I think it would be nice. So I am going through websites and ideas, and it is astounding how much is out there. And I am sorry to say, how ignorant I have been. I have never been a die hard American. It isn't that I don't love my country, but I am sorry to say, I just haven't cared that much. The more I look into this, the more I want to know more. The more I want to support them myself and to be a proud American. 
      I know that God wants me more involved, its our job as Christians to show God's love to everyone, and I think it is double important to show it to these heroes who have been emotionally scared. Who may have seen things we can't even imagine. I urge the rest of you out there to join our efforts and learn more. As soon as we get something together to show our support in a big way, I will post more. But start your own, and at the very least, learn about what these men and women have been fighting for. Sweet Face and I starting on a wonderful journey together of knowledge and love, I invite you to  join us!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Lessons I have learned

        Still reeling with emotions from the scariest week of my life, I can't help but think of my many blessings. My health for starters. I might get headaches, and suffer from chronic constipation as well as muscle pain,'s not cancer. And I have decided to take action. To change my diet; to cut out white sugar, and processed foods, to eat more raw produce, and more fish, and less packaged crap. TO find more protein, and iron, and drink much, much, more water. I am recommitting myself to exercise at least four times a week, with hopes of much more, at least 30min. each. To research these conditions, and try to go the holistic approach rather than medical... )I won't be super crazy about it, but if the side effects of medicine is constipation, and you are already constipated, it can't be good... And I feel like that is always a side effect!) I am not taking my cancer free body lightly and realize what a huge blessing it was for God to give me this freedom. I WILL NOT disgrace Him, by continuing the same mistakes I have been for me and my family! My body is HIS temple.
         I sit with mixed emotions on my loved ones. So many friends stepped up and showed me their true hearts, and that I can lean on others. A few of my others friend, left me feeling abandoned and neglected, damaging our relationship for life! I saw God's love in those who did wrap themselves around me to keep me feeling safe, and protected. I saw His grace, and felt His security in SweetFace, every time the Lord used Him to express His love to me. I saw Husband step up a little, and be strong and ready to hold the family together!
         I realized how precious these people are to me, and would like to think if they let me, I would be there for them. I found old friends support, and love, remembering why I loved them in the first place. I've seen incredible things, and feel like a changed person. Stronger in my faith, more in love with God, and life, and people, and I feel like I am free. Maybe my battle wasn't long, but I still believe this battle was to set the tone for the rest of my life. Freedom. The rest of my children's life... FREEDOM. We no longer have to fear, God is the protector from all things. 

              Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
                              will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
         I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
                                           my God, in whom I trust.”
                             Surely he will save you
                                          from the fowler’s snare
                                 and from the deadly pestilence.
                   He will cover you with his feathers,
                        and under his wings you will find refuge;
                     his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
                     You will not fear the terror of night,
                                    nor the arrow that flies by day,
           nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
                       nor the plague that destroys at midday.
                    A thousand may fall at your side,
                               ten thousand at your right hand,
                                 but it will not come near you.
                You will only observe with your eyes
                        and see the punishment of the wicked.
                   If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
                   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10                           no harm will overtake you,
                        no disaster will come near your tent.
11            For he will command his angels concerning you
                            to guard you in all your ways;
12                  they will lift you up in their hands,
            so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13                You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
                 you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14       “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
                    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15                   He will call on me, and I will answer him;
                                      I will be with him in trouble,
                                I will deliver him and honor him.
16                       With long life I will satisfy him
                                    and show him my salvation.
I repeated this Psalm every day, several times a day this entire week. I started ironically saying everyday about two weeks ago. This Psalm shows us God's promise to protect us from the fowler's snare, and deadly pestilence (like cancer) His faithfulness will be MY shield... He guards ME with his wing, under His feathers. I am protected from fire, disease, tornadoes, hurricanes, storms, any harm. This is a promise to me and my children. It is for you and yours. I have no intention in letting God forget this Psalm or His promise to me, (Not that He would) And I will recite this Psalm, and remind myself of His promise every time Satan tries to attack... "You will trample the great lion and the serpent." (Satan the serpent) Satan can not take any of those promises from me,or you , unless we give Him permission. I will not do that, and I hope somewhere someone is learning this lesson with or through me. Hold onto God's promise... He is faithful, and if he offered it so long ago, He is still offering it now... He never changes!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Cancer Sucks

                      This morning I woke up, from a long night of tossing and turning anxious, and with a belly ache. As I lay there, asking God, to take this away from me, if he could, my Sweet Face crawled into bed with me. He wrapped his arms around me, and we talked and told stories, and laughed. He held me, as I realized that this wasn't an ordinary moment. Sweet Face was sent by Jesus to do the loving and nurturing that Jesus longed to do. I thanked God and got ready for my tests, and their results, with a lighter heart. It seemed perfectly clear to me, that my Lord and Savior was with me.
                      Two hours later, I found myself walking into the hospital with Deary, a great friend of mine, ready to face whatever I was to face, together. We walked into the Imaging Center to find three more loyal supporters in the waiting room. Mom, my Pastor, PM, and another good friend, ARE. I filled out the paper work, and tried to calm my nerves, and listened as Mom told stories. They called my name quickly and directed me to a changing room, where I was to undress from the waist up, and put on a poncho like thing that opened in the front, and was to wait in another waiting room, with all my glorious fat for all to see! 
                      When it came time to go into the mammogram room, the large machine with clear plastic plates seemed intimidating. It towered over, and laughed at my impending doom. The TECH revealed my left breast, and walked away, leaving me feeling vulnerable, and silly. She then proceeded to flatten my breast, rub it, squish it, press it, and pull it into the machine. My poor little lady lumps were feeling violated and abused by the time all the different positions and pictures were taken. I was then guided back into another room to wait for my ultrasound. 
                          The ultrasound went the same way. The tech wanted feel and prod, and finally squirt jelly on my lumps and take a look. We talked about lumps and jobs, and all sorts of things, and then she brought the Dr in. Then we repeated what was just done, and the Dr sits me up and says, "Everything looks fine. The mammogram didn't pick anything up, which means its just fat or something. Keep an eye on the lump under your armpit, and if it brings up other concern talk to your Dr, and then a surgeon. Otherwise we will see you when you are forty." I sat up in disbelief, rubbed the gel off, and went to change my clothes. All of that pressure and anxiety and preparation, for that... Of course it was good news, but is it that easy?
                       I walked into the waiting room and told my supporters the good news, and they all but jumped up and down. 
                   At first I was shocked, but the longer it sits the more relieved I am. The thought of cancer was scary, and lonely. I learned a lot about who really cares about me, and who doesn't, in these last few days. I learned that there are some people you can always count on, and some you probably won't ever be able to count on. Some people who talk the "Christian" talk, but are still confused about the walk. But most of all, I realized how much God has my back, and how much I can depend on Him. No matter what the diagnosis would have been today, I was sure that everything was going to be alright. I also got to see, just how scary cancer is, and have more empathy than I had originally, which is always a good things. My hope is that we keep fighting cancer, and that no one reading this ever has to experience even the possibility of cancer, but if you ever do, know that God is in control, and our hearts only stop beating when He says they do! 
                Thank you so much for the support, and the prayers!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

lumpy breasts and scarred cervix

             Yesterday, I called the lady Dr, to make an appointment to have my lumpy breast checked out. At 2:00 I had been squeezed in to get my annual pap smear. (Joy) 
             I go to said appointment and sit in the waiting room for what seems like ten years, searching the room for any information that would tell me for certain if I have breast cancer. When they finally call my name, and embarrass me by making me step onto a scale in the hallway for all to see, my heart began racing and I couldn't catch my breathe. All I wanted was for someone to rub my back and tell me everything was going to be alright. I watched the patients and employees rush back and forth, and wondered how they could keep living life and laugh, while my world was slowly falling apart. 
             In the room where I put on the gorgeous mauve gown that Velcro's in the front, my hands were freezing and my mind was racing. I knew I wasn't going to get any answers right away, but I just wanted it over with so I could get closer. The doctor, who looked like she was eleven, came in and apologized for my wait. We discussed what was happening, and what I found, and she proceeded to do a breast exam. Upon first feel, she stats that she feels the lump, "Right here, right?" "Ah, no," I exclaim, "That isn't the one I felt." She then tells me that my left breast is "pretty lumpy and dense" and moves on to the right. "Oh, this one is smooth, nothing in there!" Great, and she closes my robe... "Wait a minute!" I blurt, "I was more concerned about the lump in my arm pit, how about checking that out!" "Oh, yeah, I can see the difference. Oh, wow, yeah, that definitely is a lump, wow, ok, let's get that checked out!" Oh thank you DR, for not showing any alarm with your words, and tone! 
           We finish up and continue on to my yearly pap smear... She is down there, and says' "It looks like your cervix has had some damage." "What?" "Have you had an abnormal pap before?" "Yeah I had a LEEP procedure done, about six years ago." "oh, that's probably what it is.." Again thanks for the reassurance!
              To make along story short, I walked out of the office with the knowledge that I have lumpy breasts and a battered cervix. I am scheduled to have a diagnostic mammogram, and an ultrasound on my lovely lady lumps, tomorrow morning, with a possible biopsy. I don't know what I will find out, or if I will tomorrow, and I am not positive a biopsy will happen or just a scheduling. I do however, know that everything is going to be alright, no matter what happens, and I am thankful that God is so faithful!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I'll take two lumps for 1,000

          This morning, as I got ready for church, I hopped into the shower. I was feeling alive, and refreshed and grateful, and ready to receive from the Lord. What I was not ready for, was the lump I found in my left breast and arm pit, as I did my self breast exam. I immediately checked the right side, and found it to be smooth as a babies bottom. Back to the left side, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of cancer and sickness, and radiation, and chemotherapy. I was reminded of my paternal grandmothers breast cancer, my mothers three time breast cancer, and all the other cancer's that run throughout both sides of my family. Before I could even grab the towel I was out of breathe, and had my future hair loss mapped out, and then I stopped... A quiet peace came over me, so I found a lump or two, that doesn't define anything, in fact last night I was studying my bible, and read in Psalm 91:3 "For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence." What is pestilence? a deadly or virulent epidemic disease. I say cancer in any form sounds like pestilence to me. Not only does this scripture promise that the Lord will deliver me from my pestilence, but if you continue to read to verse 4 it promises that, "He will cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge." Abba just promised to protect me under the feathers of His wings... That's good stuff... So I picked myself up, or rather dried myself off, thanked God for His love and protection, and got ready for church.
          Somewhere in the rush of the morning, I lost that scripture I was holding onto so tightly, and walked into the church with a bad attitude, and an excuse, that I found a lump and could have cancer, so it was ok, to be in a mood. I dropped Peanut off in her room, and went to sit down, and as I walked through the greeters, one of them, who is known for her gift of prophesy, grabbed me and hugged me. (Anyone who knows me knows that this in itself was a test, I am just learning to be a hugger!) As she hugged me, she stated, "I am the Lord, who healeth all your disease!" and then she said, I don't know where that came from, God wanted that word for you" I was drawn back, and in shock, she couldn't have known, no one but Husband and Mom knew, and I know they didn't say anything. Flabergasted I went to sit down, but as I did something inside me, very clearly told me to reveal what was happening to this prophetic woman. So I found her, and told her, she immediately layed her hands on me and began to pray... and as she was finishing another word came, "Be still, and do not be anxious in anything." Wow! I thanked her for her time, and for obeying when given a Word, and sat down. I sat through service listening and trying to fight off thoughts of cancer.
          As I went throughout my day, I held on tight to those Words, and the verses in Psalm 91. Thoughts of discouragement, defeat, illness, and fear, continue to invade my mind, but I will not let them invade my spirit. I might have cancer, I might not, but I refuse to live my life afraid, because I know that the blood of Christ protects me. I will be fine, and God will be with me the whole way, I do know those things. I don't have to fear what the future holds, because it is already written... I just read somewhere that "Fear comes when we think we are responsible for bringing about protection ourselves." I can't do anything about these lumps, except get them looked at, and be grateful that I found them now. I can be grateful that even on my loneliest day I still have Daddy to lean on, and I can thank Him for loving me enough to not only give me two encouraging Words today, but that He gave me a whole book full! (The Bible, in case you didn't realize)
          I don't know what these lumps mean for me, and I am trying hard to not think constantly about it, but I do know that I can't be afraid, I need to "walk in faith, not sight"...(Or feel) And I know that "every little thing is gonna be alright!" (Thanks Bob Marley, for the awesome reminder!)
           However, I do appreciate any prayers that come my way! ;)

Friday, October 19, 2012

Great mom, bad wife

          The more I think about my marriage, past and present. The more I realize, though I am a loving and dedicated mother, the same could not be said about being a wife. According the the biblical principals of marriage, the spouse is to go before the children. I am a far way from that. If I were to be honest... I don't even know if I treat them equally. 
           I am not exactly sure what being a good wife entails at this point, but I am positive that I am not now or ever have been a good one. I don't even love Husband unconditionally. I don't love him with a Godly love, the kind that is spoken about in the bible. If I came home everyday to someone I felt didn't love me enough, I would not only become angry and bitter, but I would give up. Love... Unconditional love is the greatest gift we could give one another.
            Instead of spending the last nine years afraid of what marriage meant to who I was, I should have been embracing what it meant for us. The original design for marriage was simple.. To intertwine yourselves with one another, to become one  unity. Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one." No matter what Husband says or how he acts, I know that it is my job to remember this. To love him the way God intended, the way we are instructed in ! Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
             The feminist part of me gets in the way of truly understanding what a good wife is to be, according to the Word, and I hope to someday figure out, and apply it my dear Husband, but nothing could block what this verse says tome. That this is the way we are to love one another, especially our spouses. We love our children in this way, not our partners as well? If I could apply this love to my marriage, to Husband then I am sure the rest will fall in place, or be revealed. For now this all I can handle, I am sure, and Abba knows! So I will spend sometime every day exclaiming this verse over myself! "I am patient, I am kind. I do not envy, I do not boast, I am not proud. I am not rude, I am not self-seeking, I am not easily angered, I keep no record of wrongs. I do not delight in evil but I rejoice with the truth. I will always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. I will never fail." 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

October 24, 2007

   " Weds. October 24, 2007
             Dear God, 
                I know it is... I don't know awful, I guess, but there's not much about Husband I like anymore. He's so selfish and it effects so many parts of our lives. He's not supportive, he's not a very good husband or father. He love us, but I think its only because of the way we make him feel.I don;t think that I can be happy with him forever. I wish I had realized this before. He doesn't do anything I ask him to do, not without begging him. He barely takes care of Sweet Face. I don't get any sleep. He doesn't support me or my dreams. In fact I feel like he holds me back. I feel like a single mother, only I don't have to work. Is that what marriage is? I feel like a slave, and I have to be honest, I wasn't cut out for this. I don't know how to bring it up and I am not even sure it would be worth it. He'd be a jerk, we would fight, and I would be hurt. There are some days where I am so miserable. The thought that I might have cancer someday, and he would have to take care of me; it petrifies me. I could never depend on him.  And the kids would never be taken care of. What am I doing? I really am so lost and confused. What do I do? I guess I should just go about my business and accomplish my dreams and maybe he will jump on board or maybe I will find the strength to leave. I need to learn how to make myself happy. Me and my kids should be my focus. Help me Lord, help me accomplish all the things I want and be the best parent I can be. Help me Lord, please! "   

 Just three days after our first wedding anniversary, I made this entry in my journal. A year into our marriage and I was ready to give up... I read this entry now, and see that it is full of accusations and things that I wanted. Not once did I mention what Husband may have needed. Not once did I stop to question what I was doing, or even that wanting to follow my own dreams, may have been selfish. My desire for self gratitude, could have very possibly and realistically, destroyed my marriage.The things I said about Husband were true at the time, but I was to blame as well. My attitude, if nothing else, had a huge impact on Husband's. If nothing he was to ever do was satisfactory, why would he bother to continue to try...

I am proud, and grateful to say that today, just a few days away from our six year anniversary, I can see how much of our struggle was some of my fault, and I continue to try, through God's grace and His strength to improve myself. Husband and I are more in love than we have ever been. Though our marriage by no means is perfect, my journal entries are usually laced with much more gratitude and love. I am lucky to have a man like Husband, someone who I could grow close to God with, and someone who always wanted to work  on our relationship. Someone who has always loved me, sometimes more than I deserved! 

What a difference God can make in a marriage, if we choose to let Him not only in, but control it!

P.S. I love you Husband, and I am so proud of the man you have become, and the couple we are!