Monday, November 26, 2012

Support our Troups

     My little Sweet Face, has for a year now, at least, been talking about being a soldier. He loves seeing them, and shaking their hands, and talks about being a hero, and keeping others safe often. At first, I discouraged him. I told him what really happens during a war, and that its a lot of work, and sometimes people get hurt or die. Then God showed me that being a soldier, is a calling. Something he asks people to do. As much as I prefer he just be something like a dentist, it felt clear to me, that I should nurture this curiosity, and possibly someday career choice of his. ( he's only seven, so who knows!)
     We started looking for ways to volunteer, or show our support to the troops. Something he can be proud to do. Because let's face it, this year had been just as hard on him, as it has been on me, if not harder. I think it would be nice. So I am going through websites and ideas, and it is astounding how much is out there. And I am sorry to say, how ignorant I have been. I have never been a die hard American. It isn't that I don't love my country, but I am sorry to say, I just haven't cared that much. The more I look into this, the more I want to know more. The more I want to support them myself and to be a proud American. 
      I know that God wants me more involved, its our job as Christians to show God's love to everyone, and I think it is double important to show it to these heroes who have been emotionally scared. Who may have seen things we can't even imagine. I urge the rest of you out there to join our efforts and learn more. As soon as we get something together to show our support in a big way, I will post more. But start your own, and at the very least, learn about what these men and women have been fighting for. Sweet Face and I starting on a wonderful journey together of knowledge and love, I invite you to  join us!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Lessons I have learned

        Still reeling with emotions from the scariest week of my life, I can't help but think of my many blessings. My health for starters. I might get headaches, and suffer from chronic constipation as well as muscle pain, but...it's not cancer. And I have decided to take action. To change my diet; to cut out white sugar, and processed foods, to eat more raw produce, and more fish, and less packaged crap. TO find more protein, and iron, and drink much, much, more water. I am recommitting myself to exercise at least four times a week, with hopes of much more, at least 30min. each. To research these conditions, and try to go the holistic approach rather than medical... )I won't be super crazy about it, but if the side effects of medicine is constipation, and you are already constipated, it can't be good... And I feel like that is always a side effect!) I am not taking my cancer free body lightly and realize what a huge blessing it was for God to give me this freedom. I WILL NOT disgrace Him, by continuing the same mistakes I have been for me and my family! My body is HIS temple.
         I sit with mixed emotions on my loved ones. So many friends stepped up and showed me their true hearts, and that I can lean on others. A few of my others friend, left me feeling abandoned and neglected, damaging our relationship for life! I saw God's love in those who did wrap themselves around me to keep me feeling safe, and protected. I saw His grace, and felt His security in SweetFace, every time the Lord used Him to express His love to me. I saw Husband step up a little, and be strong and ready to hold the family together!
         I realized how precious these people are to me, and would like to think if they let me, I would be there for them. I found old friends support, and love, remembering why I loved them in the first place. I've seen incredible things, and feel like a changed person. Stronger in my faith, more in love with God, and life, and people, and I feel like I am free. Maybe my battle wasn't long, but I still believe this battle was to set the tone for the rest of my life. Freedom. The rest of my children's life... FREEDOM. We no longer have to fear, God is the protector from all things. 

                                                     
              Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
                              will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
         I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
                                           my God, in whom I trust.”
                             Surely he will save you
                                          from the fowler’s snare
                                 and from the deadly pestilence.
                   He will cover you with his feathers,
                        and under his wings you will find refuge;
                     his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
                     You will not fear the terror of night,
                                    nor the arrow that flies by day,
           nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
                       nor the plague that destroys at midday.
                    A thousand may fall at your side,
                               ten thousand at your right hand,
                                 but it will not come near you.
                You will only observe with your eyes
                        and see the punishment of the wicked.
                   If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
                   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10                           no harm will overtake you,
                        no disaster will come near your tent.
11            For he will command his angels concerning you
                            to guard you in all your ways;
12                  they will lift you up in their hands,
            so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13                You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
                 you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14       “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
                    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15                   He will call on me, and I will answer him;
                                      I will be with him in trouble,
                                I will deliver him and honor him.
16                       With long life I will satisfy him
                                    and show him my salvation.
I repeated this Psalm every day, several times a day this entire week. I started ironically saying everyday about two weeks ago. This Psalm shows us God's promise to protect us from the fowler's snare, and deadly pestilence (like cancer) His faithfulness will be MY shield... He guards ME with his wing, under His feathers. I am protected from fire, disease, tornadoes, hurricanes, storms, any harm. This is a promise to me and my children. It is for you and yours. I have no intention in letting God forget this Psalm or His promise to me, (Not that He would) And I will recite this Psalm, and remind myself of His promise every time Satan tries to attack... "You will trample the great lion and the serpent." (Satan the serpent) Satan can not take any of those promises from me,or you , unless we give Him permission. I will not do that, and I hope somewhere someone is learning this lesson with or through me. Hold onto God's promise... He is faithful, and if he offered it so long ago, He is still offering it now... He never changes!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Cancer Sucks

                      This morning I woke up, from a long night of tossing and turning anxious, and with a belly ache. As I lay there, asking God, to take this away from me, if he could, my Sweet Face crawled into bed with me. He wrapped his arms around me, and we talked and told stories, and laughed. He held me, as I realized that this wasn't an ordinary moment. Sweet Face was sent by Jesus to do the loving and nurturing that Jesus longed to do. I thanked God and got ready for my tests, and their results, with a lighter heart. It seemed perfectly clear to me, that my Lord and Savior was with me.
                      Two hours later, I found myself walking into the hospital with Deary, a great friend of mine, ready to face whatever I was to face, together. We walked into the Imaging Center to find three more loyal supporters in the waiting room. Mom, my Pastor, PM, and another good friend, ARE. I filled out the paper work, and tried to calm my nerves, and listened as Mom told stories. They called my name quickly and directed me to a changing room, where I was to undress from the waist up, and put on a poncho like thing that opened in the front, and was to wait in another waiting room, with all my glorious fat for all to see! 
                      When it came time to go into the mammogram room, the large machine with clear plastic plates seemed intimidating. It towered over, and laughed at my impending doom. The TECH revealed my left breast, and walked away, leaving me feeling vulnerable, and silly. She then proceeded to flatten my breast, rub it, squish it, press it, and pull it into the machine. My poor little lady lumps were feeling violated and abused by the time all the different positions and pictures were taken. I was then guided back into another room to wait for my ultrasound. 
                          The ultrasound went the same way. The tech wanted feel and prod, and finally squirt jelly on my lumps and take a look. We talked about lumps and jobs, and all sorts of things, and then she brought the Dr in. Then we repeated what was just done, and the Dr sits me up and says, "Everything looks fine. The mammogram didn't pick anything up, which means its just fat or something. Keep an eye on the lump under your armpit, and if it brings up other concern talk to your Dr, and then a surgeon. Otherwise we will see you when you are forty." I sat up in disbelief, rubbed the gel off, and went to change my clothes. All of that pressure and anxiety and preparation, for that... Of course it was good news, but is it that easy?
                       I walked into the waiting room and told my supporters the good news, and they all but jumped up and down. 
                   At first I was shocked, but the longer it sits the more relieved I am. The thought of cancer was scary, and lonely. I learned a lot about who really cares about me, and who doesn't, in these last few days. I learned that there are some people you can always count on, and some you probably won't ever be able to count on. Some people who talk the "Christian" talk, but are still confused about the walk. But most of all, I realized how much God has my back, and how much I can depend on Him. No matter what the diagnosis would have been today, I was sure that everything was going to be alright. I also got to see, just how scary cancer is, and have more empathy than I had originally, which is always a good things. My hope is that we keep fighting cancer, and that no one reading this ever has to experience even the possibility of cancer, but if you ever do, know that God is in control, and our hearts only stop beating when He says they do! 
                Thank you so much for the support, and the prayers!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

lumpy breasts and scarred cervix

             Yesterday, I called the lady Dr, to make an appointment to have my lumpy breast checked out. At 2:00 I had been squeezed in to get my annual pap smear. (Joy) 
             I go to said appointment and sit in the waiting room for what seems like ten years, searching the room for any information that would tell me for certain if I have breast cancer. When they finally call my name, and embarrass me by making me step onto a scale in the hallway for all to see, my heart began racing and I couldn't catch my breathe. All I wanted was for someone to rub my back and tell me everything was going to be alright. I watched the patients and employees rush back and forth, and wondered how they could keep living life and laugh, while my world was slowly falling apart. 
             In the room where I put on the gorgeous mauve gown that Velcro's in the front, my hands were freezing and my mind was racing. I knew I wasn't going to get any answers right away, but I just wanted it over with so I could get closer. The doctor, who looked like she was eleven, came in and apologized for my wait. We discussed what was happening, and what I found, and she proceeded to do a breast exam. Upon first feel, she stats that she feels the lump, "Right here, right?" "Ah, no," I exclaim, "That isn't the one I felt." She then tells me that my left breast is "pretty lumpy and dense" and moves on to the right. "Oh, this one is smooth, nothing in there!" Great, and she closes my robe... "Wait a minute!" I blurt, "I was more concerned about the lump in my arm pit, how about checking that out!" "Oh, yeah, I can see the difference. Oh, wow, yeah, that definitely is a lump, wow, ok, let's get that checked out!" Oh thank you DR, for not showing any alarm with your words, and tone! 
           We finish up and continue on to my yearly pap smear... She is down there, and says' "It looks like your cervix has had some damage." "What?" "Have you had an abnormal pap before?" "Yeah I had a LEEP procedure done, about six years ago." "oh, that's probably what it is.." Again thanks for the reassurance!
              To make along story short, I walked out of the office with the knowledge that I have lumpy breasts and a battered cervix. I am scheduled to have a diagnostic mammogram, and an ultrasound on my lovely lady lumps, tomorrow morning, with a possible biopsy. I don't know what I will find out, or if I will tomorrow, and I am not positive a biopsy will happen or just a scheduling. I do however, know that everything is going to be alright, no matter what happens, and I am thankful that God is so faithful!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I'll take two lumps for 1,000

          This morning, as I got ready for church, I hopped into the shower. I was feeling alive, and refreshed and grateful, and ready to receive from the Lord. What I was not ready for, was the lump I found in my left breast and arm pit, as I did my self breast exam. I immediately checked the right side, and found it to be smooth as a babies bottom. Back to the left side, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of cancer and sickness, and radiation, and chemotherapy. I was reminded of my paternal grandmothers breast cancer, my mothers three time breast cancer, and all the other cancer's that run throughout both sides of my family. Before I could even grab the towel I was out of breathe, and had my future hair loss mapped out, and then I stopped... A quiet peace came over me, so I found a lump or two, that doesn't define anything, in fact last night I was studying my bible, and read in Psalm 91:3 "For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence." What is pestilence? a deadly or virulent epidemic disease. I say cancer in any form sounds like pestilence to me. Not only does this scripture promise that the Lord will deliver me from my pestilence, but if you continue to read to verse 4 it promises that, "He will cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge." Abba just promised to protect me under the feathers of His wings... That's good stuff... So I picked myself up, or rather dried myself off, thanked God for His love and protection, and got ready for church.
          Somewhere in the rush of the morning, I lost that scripture I was holding onto so tightly, and walked into the church with a bad attitude, and an excuse, that I found a lump and could have cancer, so it was ok, to be in a mood. I dropped Peanut off in her room, and went to sit down, and as I walked through the greeters, one of them, who is known for her gift of prophesy, grabbed me and hugged me. (Anyone who knows me knows that this in itself was a test, I am just learning to be a hugger!) As she hugged me, she stated, "I am the Lord, who healeth all your disease!" and then she said, I don't know where that came from, God wanted that word for you" I was drawn back, and in shock, she couldn't have known, no one but Husband and Mom knew, and I know they didn't say anything. Flabergasted I went to sit down, but as I did something inside me, very clearly told me to reveal what was happening to this prophetic woman. So I found her, and told her, she immediately layed her hands on me and began to pray... and as she was finishing another word came, "Be still, and do not be anxious in anything." Wow! I thanked her for her time, and for obeying when given a Word, and sat down. I sat through service listening and trying to fight off thoughts of cancer.
          As I went throughout my day, I held on tight to those Words, and the verses in Psalm 91. Thoughts of discouragement, defeat, illness, and fear, continue to invade my mind, but I will not let them invade my spirit. I might have cancer, I might not, but I refuse to live my life afraid, because I know that the blood of Christ protects me. I will be fine, and God will be with me the whole way, I do know those things. I don't have to fear what the future holds, because it is already written... I just read somewhere that "Fear comes when we think we are responsible for bringing about protection ourselves." I can't do anything about these lumps, except get them looked at, and be grateful that I found them now. I can be grateful that even on my loneliest day I still have Daddy to lean on, and I can thank Him for loving me enough to not only give me two encouraging Words today, but that He gave me a whole book full! (The Bible, in case you didn't realize)
          I don't know what these lumps mean for me, and I am trying hard to not think constantly about it, but I do know that I can't be afraid, I need to "walk in faith, not sight"...(Or feel) And I know that "every little thing is gonna be alright!" (Thanks Bob Marley, for the awesome reminder!)
           However, I do appreciate any prayers that come my way! ;)

Friday, October 19, 2012

Great mom, bad wife

          The more I think about my marriage, past and present. The more I realize, though I am a loving and dedicated mother, the same could not be said about being a wife. According the the biblical principals of marriage, the spouse is to go before the children. I am a far way from that. If I were to be honest... I don't even know if I treat them equally. 
           I am not exactly sure what being a good wife entails at this point, but I am positive that I am not now or ever have been a good one. I don't even love Husband unconditionally. I don't love him with a Godly love, the kind that is spoken about in the bible. If I came home everyday to someone I felt didn't love me enough, I would not only become angry and bitter, but I would give up. Love... Unconditional love is the greatest gift we could give one another.
            Instead of spending the last nine years afraid of what marriage meant to who I was, I should have been embracing what it meant for us. The original design for marriage was simple.. To intertwine yourselves with one another, to become one  unity. Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one." No matter what Husband says or how he acts, I know that it is my job to remember this. To love him the way God intended, the way we are instructed in ! Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
             The feminist part of me gets in the way of truly understanding what a good wife is to be, according to the Word, and I hope to someday figure out, and apply it my dear Husband, but nothing could block what this verse says tome. That this is the way we are to love one another, especially our spouses. We love our children in this way, not our partners as well? If I could apply this love to my marriage, to Husband then I am sure the rest will fall in place, or be revealed. For now this all I can handle, I am sure, and Abba knows! So I will spend sometime every day exclaiming this verse over myself! "I am patient, I am kind. I do not envy, I do not boast, I am not proud. I am not rude, I am not self-seeking, I am not easily angered, I keep no record of wrongs. I do not delight in evil but I rejoice with the truth. I will always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. I will never fail." 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

October 24, 2007

   " Weds. October 24, 2007
             Dear God, 
                I know it is... I don't know awful, I guess, but there's not much about Husband I like anymore. He's so selfish and it effects so many parts of our lives. He's not supportive, he's not a very good husband or father. He love us, but I think its only because of the way we make him feel.I don;t think that I can be happy with him forever. I wish I had realized this before. He doesn't do anything I ask him to do, not without begging him. He barely takes care of Sweet Face. I don't get any sleep. He doesn't support me or my dreams. In fact I feel like he holds me back. I feel like a single mother, only I don't have to work. Is that what marriage is? I feel like a slave, and I have to be honest, I wasn't cut out for this. I don't know how to bring it up and I am not even sure it would be worth it. He'd be a jerk, we would fight, and I would be hurt. There are some days where I am so miserable. The thought that I might have cancer someday, and he would have to take care of me; it petrifies me. I could never depend on him.  And the kids would never be taken care of. What am I doing? I really am so lost and confused. What do I do? I guess I should just go about my business and accomplish my dreams and maybe he will jump on board or maybe I will find the strength to leave. I need to learn how to make myself happy. Me and my kids should be my focus. Help me Lord, help me accomplish all the things I want and be the best parent I can be. Help me Lord, please! "   


 Just three days after our first wedding anniversary, I made this entry in my journal. A year into our marriage and I was ready to give up... I read this entry now, and see that it is full of accusations and things that I wanted. Not once did I mention what Husband may have needed. Not once did I stop to question what I was doing, or even that wanting to follow my own dreams, may have been selfish. My desire for self gratitude, could have very possibly and realistically, destroyed my marriage.The things I said about Husband were true at the time, but I was to blame as well. My attitude, if nothing else, had a huge impact on Husband's. If nothing he was to ever do was satisfactory, why would he bother to continue to try...

I am proud, and grateful to say that today, just a few days away from our six year anniversary, I can see how much of our struggle was some of my fault, and I continue to try, through God's grace and His strength to improve myself. Husband and I are more in love than we have ever been. Though our marriage by no means is perfect, my journal entries are usually laced with much more gratitude and love. I am lucky to have a man like Husband, someone who I could grow close to God with, and someone who always wanted to work  on our relationship. Someone who has always loved me, sometimes more than I deserved! 

What a difference God can make in a marriage, if we choose to let Him not only in, but control it!

P.S. I love you Husband, and I am so proud of the man you have become, and the couple we are!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Me + JESUS = BFF

            A few weeks ago, I was at a conference in Erie, PA. The word for the weekend was self righteousness. At first I heard the word and it went in one ear and out the other, but as the weekend continued the Holy Spirit revealed, how self- righteous I have been in my walk with Christ.
            When I was first saved I had a strong desire to be closer to God. I did what the bible said, and what people suggested. I flooded my life in God's word, and studied and prayed and learned, and longed for more. I got closer to the Lord, and continued to do all the "right" things. Then the closeness just stopped. So much happened in my life, and the stress of the enemies moves, weighed heavily on my life. I hadn't felt the power of the Holy Spirit in months, and the closeness I once felt with Jesus Christ was gone. I still loved him and wanted more, but my actions and words, and studying, didn't seem to be enough! For awhile I blamed it on stress, but that weekend the Holy Spirit revealed that though I was doing the right things, I was doing it with the wrong heart. 
                I prayed for people and laid hands on them, because in some sense it made ME feel special. I took it hard and personal if someone didn't feel something when I prayed. (Don't get me wrong,  I wanted them healed or to feel better, but I wanted to feel special too) I realized that almost everything I do, is for the sake of feeling some sort of individuality. Even my style of parenting. I longed for compliments on what I was doing,and waited for someone to say, "Liz you are so close to God, or I have a prophetic word for you," or anything that would make me feel special in God's eyes. What I realized was that, I wasn't really doing anything for God's glory, but for MY glory.
                I realized that Jesus Christ was my best friend, but what kind of friend had I been to Jesus? I am sorry to say, not a very good one. It has been a one sided relationship for the past 28 years, and I want more! I want Jesus to be able to say, "That Liz Toner has been a great friend to me." And not in a way that makes me feel special. I want to make Jesus feel special. Isn't that what we should be doing?
            How do we be Jesus' friend? We worship Him, we praise Him, we lift Him up, and appreciate all He has done for us. I want to help Him find His lost children, to tell the world how wonderful of a friend he has been for me. I want to listen to His problems. His problems are the problems of others on this earth. His tears are the tears fallen from the people we are too busy to be concerned with. We can be His friend simply by showing others, His lost children, the love He has shown us!
                     I don't know about you, but I want to be Jesus' BFF...FOREVER

Monday, October 8, 2012

My lyre is AWAKENED!

           This past weekend, I went to a worship conference in Philadelphia called Awake My Lyre. Originally I was only going to support my good friend, being that she was the brains behind the operation. I did not know what to expect, but I knew the enemy was fighting to keep me from going. The more I didn't feel like going, the more I knew I should be there! 
           Upon arriving, I felt completely out of place, yet, like I was in the right place. I actually said to my friend, "It's like I fit in, because I don't fit in." It was a giant room filled with "artistic" type people, and I immediately felt unworthy of their presence, however, I  knew I was going to leave closer to God, and just pushed on!
            Throughout the weekend I was so blessed. I saw amazing performers like Chris Falson, Glen Galloway from Souljunk, Lenny Smith, owner of Jerusalem records, Rachel Galloway, Mary Brewer... Just amazing performers, with a passion for God, and incredible gifts. I learned so much from each person! Lenny Smith made a comment that being a grown up was a lie, Glen's love for God and his connection to the Holy Spirit blew my mind, and Chris' story of agnostic parents, and finding God in the lines of leaves... I walked away completely changed and excited to start my new journey as a Worshipper, who I was designed to be! (Thank you Rachel for pointing that out!) 
           When I got home, I was inspired to write, and to be who I used to be, but for God's glory, and I pulled out an old book of poems, and re read a few. Poems about the love I first felt in the beginning of my relationship with Husband, turned into love songs to God, before my eyes, and feeling that love, I wrote my very first song... Or at least started to!
            I am so excited to have learned how to truly worship God, and it of course will be different for everyone, because we were all created different for a reason! I just want to spend every moment, exclaiming, proclaiming, my love for the Lord! Thank you Awake my lyre, My lyre is awake!
          And now my poem:

365 days times three...
         I thought I couldn't breathe without him ,
Moon fall to moon rise...
        Tied to him
Without him near.

Then you came...
       Now I am free!

I only need the strength you give
        The light you shine
Sunrise to sunset
         Not tied,
      Voluntarily
I long for your arms...
      Your smile
Remains within me...

 I have what everyone seeks,
I breathe vigorously!
      

                                                       
                                                                      
  

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Attack the attacker!

         Lately, the enemy has been attacking me viciously. I feel like he hasn't let up once since this year has started, and recently I have found myself finding it harder to grateful for the works God has done in my life. However, yesterday, in the middle of what seemed like a possible nervous breakdown, I put my head in my arms and began to cry. My sweet little Peanut came out of nowhere, and put her little hands on my back, and said, "Everything is going to be ok, you know that?" Thank You Lord for the Holy Spirit... I did know that.I have always known that. I dried my eyes, and repented for my worry. I once again found myself giving my troubles to the Lord, and vowed that I would not take them back this time. Why fight a battle that has been already won? (Thanks Big Daddy Weave for writing such true lyrics in your song Redeemed!) 
          Everything will be ok, because I don't have to figure it out. If satan thinks he is going to keep me from getting closer to God he is sorely mistaking. He might have derailed me momentarily, but every time he lays something on me, I find strength in Jesus Christ. I lean more into Him. I learn more about myself, and I rededicate my life to becoming more Christ like, and to do His work according to His word. There is power in the name of Jesus, to break EVERY chain, and the enemy will never hold me down, he's just pushing me closer to God's bosom, further into His arms. Oh Satan you are so stupid!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Telling Kids about death, heaven, and hell; Part 3

       I know that when I think of my loved ones dying, I like to think of them entering the pearly gates of heaven, getting sized for their very own angel wings, and on their way to meeting The Holy trinity. However, that isn't always the case.
       See, this life, here on earth, is very important as far as our eternal lives go. What we do plays a factor, the type of people we are, the good deeds we do; but the BIGGEST deal breaker of all is whether or not we believe and accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. The truth is, more people than I would like to admit, are NOT going to heaven. And dying doesn't not automatically make you a saint. If you believe in heaven, and are going to teach your kids about it, shouldn't we make sure they know the consequence of not following Christ?
        HELL!!! (Imagine your own flames, and devil horns all over the word) When we first started talking about death, I was guilty of only telling the kids about heaven. "Oh Sweet Face, Spiderman (The beta fish) died, but he is in fishy heaven, where he has an endless supply of lean water, and food." It was more pleasant that way, less scary. But what I didn't realize is that I was actually causing Sweet Face harm, by not telling him the truth. (And honestly, I didn't tell him, because I don't like to think about the alternative to heaven.) Again, I think it is vital to live according to Christ that we recognize what could happen if we allow ourselves to be led astray. What a better conversation would have been is this: "Oh Sweet Fae, I am so sorry that Spiderman died. If you would like, we can pray for him, and his soul, and hope that Spiderman believed in the fishy Jesus Christ so he could get into fishy heaven."
             And then hopefully that would have led to a discussion on the "other" place. As it is, I hadn't but my darling little Peanut has asked about hell, and we sat her down, and discussed it in a very detailed, but childlike way. Hell is a place where you never get hugs. You cry and cry, and no one ever says sorry, or holds you or cuddles you. There are no mommies, and you are always feel like you have boo boos. There is no love in hell, no kisses, no unicorn, or twonicorn (Her stuffed unicorns) No beds or blankets, no toys, no nothing, except its hot, and dark, and you can hear people scream and cry for help, but you will never see them. Doesn't that sound awful?" (Even as I type this, I am overwhelmed with empathy for all the lost souls their. It must be awful, yet I am so glad I will never see it) "Yes, I never want to go their" And she won't, as long as she keeps living for God, and bringing others to Christ, and always recognizes who Jesus Christ is and what he had done and is doing.
           Sure heaven is far more fun, but discussing hell does two things, shows how great heaven is and why it is so important to never stray. The Bible says there is only one way to Heaven
Jesus said: "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father but by me." (John 14:6) 
So let's educate our kids, equip them with the right things, so that they have a better chance than most of us. Let them know the truth, so when it comes time to make their own choice, they have ALL the information! There is Death, and some of us go to heaven, and some of us go to hell, hopefully they will make the decision to go to heaven.... Have you?

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Telling kids about death, heaven, and hell: Part 2

                   My last post focused on death and the importance of knowing about what it really is. I thought came to me after I wrote it. If we are constantly told our entire lives that death is awful, or wrong, or morbid, and what not. How then, when it does happen to a loved one, are we supposed to cope with it in a healthy way?
                  When the topic of death comes up, most people automatically go for the, "They are in heaven." approach. But do most kids even really know what heaven is? And by lumping in all the people we have ever seen die into the category, doesn't effectively show our children how important giving your life to Christ is.
                  Of course heaven is a wonderful place. There is no more pain, and sickness. We are fully restored to our perfect health. We leave our decrepit earthly bodies, and go to a place where they will  no longer burden us, that's why it is important to keep our spirit right. Well fed, and maintained, because our spirit is what is going to be showing for eternity.
                Heaven... It should be exciting! We get to sit around and hang out with Jesus... WITH JESUS! in all of his glory. We get to meet the creator of ALL things. Its a wonderful, beautiful place filled with happiness and joy. I imagine, that it feels like that feeling you get when the Holy Spirit is heavily on you. Your heart beats faster and your body feels like its weighing you down... I can't describe it. I know that it is like getting high, but better. I imagine that is what it feels like to be in heaven only intensified by 90 million! IT WILL BE AWESOME!
                  For those of us who get there. Its easy to explain to a child the glories of heaven, but do we take the time to explain, how we get there. It says in the bible that the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ. John 14:6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. TO accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Ruler of your life. To recognize that you are a sinner, and that you need saving. And then to dedicate your life to doing God's will, to becoming more like Christ, and to spread the gospel like Wild Fire. That is the only way to heaven, and at some point our kids need to understand, that even though we love some of the people who die, they aren't going to go to heaven.
                 Some would say that telling a four year old, or seven year old, that their grandmother may not go to heaven is harsh, but once again, I would like to point out that I don't believe lying to them is going to do them any good.  If we let them believe that everyone goes to heaven, we might as well tell them that we don't need Jesus to get there. We don't need to live right to get there. We might as well tell them, that living for Satan is ok! But it's not. Now I don't think everyone should just blurt out, "That guy is going to hell for sure!" I mean it isn't for us to know who gets in. But maybe saying, "I don't know if they are in heaven, Only God knows what was truly in there heart, hopefully Jesus Christ was." Or something along those lines.
                   If everything was good all the time, how would we ever recognize it. We wouldn't. We would take advantage of the good, and we wouldn't appreciate it. And then if it ever did get bad, (and in real life it does, even for a Christian) how would we know how to handle that situation? The same theory goes for heaven. If we only expect heaven and eternal life, how can we work to not go to hell? We wouldn't even acknowledge hell.l I don't about you, but to me, it doesn't sound like we would have a fighting chance. So if you are going to discuss heaven, shouldn't we then discuss hell, and the difference between the two. Why we want to do the things we need to in order to get into heaven? I think the answer is simple: Yes....
                                     
                                    To be continued...
           

Friday, August 10, 2012

Love Liz; with joy

        A few months back, I had posted about getting back into shape, and becoming healthier, which meant losing a few pounds. (About 30, if I am honest) I had great intentions to start back up, and I did for like a minute, then life got a hold of me.
          Well I am back at it. I started a new workout regimen, which I think is actually the old one I talked about. The Couch to 5K, (Click here to check it out:  http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml ) My good friend, Deary, and I started two weeks ago. We have been hitting the gym, everyday minus the weekends, and are already seeing results. Not big ones by any means, just a have a waist, and legs seem to be a little more defined. Little things. Let me say before I go any further, that had Deary not buddied up with me, I would have quit last week, when my lungs felt like they were on fire! Today I finished week two. During my first 90 second jog session, I started to develop shin splints, I kept going and the second jog, I got a cramp in my side, my breathe was starting to get heavier, and sweat was pouring off of me, I longed to quit. I didn't think I could make it the full six.
             I began praying in my head. "Lord God, I am doing this for you, I am getting fit because of you. Thank you for getting me through each session, thank you for showing me what I need to do. Lord I know that I am your representative, and I want to make a lsting impression on others. I want people to see me, and know that yes I am for God. Lord, Thank you for the joy I feel when I finish, and thank you for giving me the drive. I am committed to this, like I am committed to you Lord." And before I knew it, I was starting my sixth and final 90 second run. I decided that since next week seemed much harder, that maybe I should try for two full minutes. So I did it, and praised God the entire time. 
            Getting off that treadmill, I felt like two million dollars. I wanted to jump up and down, and shout, "That's right, I am AWESOME!" I have found that, if you really are doing, whatever you are doing for God, then there is joy... How do we make sure we are doing it for Him? Well, while you are doing whatever it is, praise Him. Thank Him, for the food He provided so that you have dishes to do. Thank Him, that you can get up and train on a treadmill. Thank you for the cane He made sure you had to assist you in your walking. Thank Him, that he chose you, that no matter what it is He tells you to do He will give you the strength to do it. Thank Him, that no matter how little or insignificant you feel, or the task He has given you feels, HE gave it to you, He bothered giving you life, and drawing you closer to Him. Praise God, that He loves us enough to make things joyful.
             I look around me so often, and marvel at the beauty of the world around us. The magnificent lightning, or the way the sun peaks out from behind white clouds. The smell of cherry blossom trees, and fresh cut grass. The taste of granny smith apples and the crispness when you bit into them. The feeling you get when you are hugged, or when you love someone. The security you feel wrapped in blankets. There is so much around us, that shows us God''s love, and the everyday tasks, should be just as beautiful. Just knowing that he cared enough about us to show us such beauty should give us unfathomable joy. So as I worked on what I neglected so long (My body) it wasn't hard for me to find joy, even though, it was hard work, and I felt a little gross afterwards.  Praise God, for Joy
            

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Talking to our kids about death, heaven, and hell part 1: death

        So many times I have been ridiculed, insulted, or thrown some serious negative vibes because I have NEVER hidden my kids from death. Since they were old enough to as questions we have talked about it. I have been told that I am a bad parent, or morbid. I even had someone say, "Is death for Jesus?" I laugh at that one, because isn't that exactly for Jesus, wasn't that the point of Jesus? He died for us?
        Anyways, my kids have been to funerals, and they know that everyone dies. They know about heaven and they even know about hell. Some would question my decision to reveal so much information at such a young age, but I don't think we are doing them any favors by hiding the truth. My mother raised us honestly. Aside from Santa, and the rest of the magical creatures, she never lied to us. She didn't offer a lot of info if we didn't ask, and she only gave us enough to satisfy our curiosity. I try to parent the same way.. A lie is a lie, and they always have a way of getting out.
       So how do we talk to our kids about death? First let me point out that death is always happening, and I have seen a lot of it throughout my life. And honestly Sweet face has as well, just most of it didn't affect him, and he probably doesn't remember,and, honestly the topic never came up, until someone died and he was older, so I guess it was a little easier for me. My step grandfather had died a few years ago, and Husband and decided it was the perfect way to introduce the topic of death.  Husbands grandmothers are getting older, and so much of our families don't have the best health, so we thought before someone very close to them passed, we should start talking about it.
       We took them to the funeral, where I am proud to say, they were very well behaved, and didn;t cause any problems. Peanut played video games on her v- pocket, and Sweet face stared at the corpse. At first I did think that was morbid, and then I thought, why wouldn't he be curious? So I asked him what he was thinking, and that opened the door to a great conversation about bodies and souls. (I have to say, it would have been an even better conversation had I been saved then!) Sweet Face learned a lot about death that day, and he learned about heaven. I explained that though the body looks like the people we once loves, the thing that made them that person was gone. And that hopefully he would go to heaven.
          The next death that took place, happened  a little over a year ago, and it was closer to us. Husbands grandfather, Wolfman had passed away after a very long stay in the hospital. The kids had seen him alive right before he died, and we talked about the fact that he wasn't going to live much longer. I remember Husband's mom scoffing at me, because I said I was going to take them to the hospital, and the funeral. She was appalled! How dare I do that to my children? They don't need to see that. I shrugged and pointed out that, kids needed closer just as much as adults, and wasn't that the reason for funerals anyway? Now because I didn't want the drama that would come with bringing them, I left them at home. Now this death opened a new topic. Sweet face and Peanut actually knew this person. They each had a personal relationship with the Wolfman. They weren't super close but there was something. Not only had they known him, they also saw him deteriorate. They literally watched him die, with the rest of us. If people go to the hospital and stay, they always die, right? Why do people die? If I get sick will I die?
           This death was a little harder to explain. Of course I didn't want them to think that if you got sick you died, but on the other hand, people do die from being sick. "Well, if someone is sick, and doesn't get better than yes, they die." "Do only old people die?" "No sometimes younger people die." "Do kids die?" "Sometimes" "I don't want to die." "Well, you won't die for a long time, and if you do, you won't care, because you will be in heaven for sure!" And then the biggest question. Sweet Face looked at me with fear in his eyes, "What if you die?" "Well my little Sweet Face, I will die, someday, because we all do. But it is not going to be for a long time. God gave me a job to do, and I believe He won't let me die until that happens,, and my job is to raise you to be a God fearing man who will change lives." With a wash of relief, these answers satisfied him.
             My kids seem to have more knowledge about death than most kids their ages. But I think that if you are going to raise your kids as Christians they need to be aware of what death is. Once again, what Jesus did for us, was very real, and if we don't have a real knowledge of what him dying was, how could we expect anyone to understand what was sacrificed. We want to protect our kids, sure I get that. But doesn't that mean equipping them with what life hands us. Death is not evil or morbid, or even unpleasant, its part of the process, and for me, and my fellow Christians, it is the start of an eternal life. A rebirth... if you will... Into the greatest gift of all..... heaven
                          To be continued...
                               

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Memories... and conviction!

      Yesterday, I was at my Mom's house, and cleaned out my cubby hole in my old bedroom. I literally found every note anyone has written me, since seventh grade. I found every journal I have every kept. (24 total, not including the one I am currently writing in) It was nice to see them. Many were kind gifts from good friends, and the words kept in them were from a completely confused teenager of the young age of thirteen, to where I am now. (Still very much confused if I were to be honest) It is my life, recorded from my mind. And the love I had from others, recorded from theirs.
          I thought the notes would be so neat to read. I opened a few with excitement, and as the letters unopened and revealed many secrets, what I felt was not excitement. Instead tears streamed down my face, as I read the dedicated words, of many heartfelt boyfriends. What I realized was how many people I have hurt in my young life.
          I can't say that I hurt any of these people on purpose, but maybe that's what makes it so horrible. That I was so mean, and it wasn't intentional. I now feel as though I owe each person that comes to mind and apology, and an explanation.
           There were these letters from this guy, who we will call Einstein. (He was one of the smartest people I had ever met) I remember being with Einstein clearly. I was seventeen, and he was 20, almost 21. We had dated a couple times before, but nothing serious. And when we started dating the last time, it got serious fast. Even the way we began dating was wrong. I was just getting out of a year and a half relationship with someone else, who I hurt, and moved right into Einstein's arms. It had disaster written all over it.
             Einstein was a recovering alcoholic, and at seventeen, I thought I could handle that. He was intense, and loved me quickly. I am not sure what it was he loved about me, maybe I gave him a sense of security, or because I seemed to love him for who he was. I don't know, but he spent many sleepless nights writing to me, to make sure I knew how he felt about me. His words of course, were laced with so much genius, it simple letters  made me feel smarter. (I am sure they should have had the opposite effect, but he was good at making me feel good)
             But alas, his problems were grown up problems, even at 20. And though I was m ore grown up than I should have been, my emotions were not quite as developed. Looking back at it now, 20 wasn't so far off from when I got pregnant with Sweet Face, and committed my life to Husband, but at 17 I wasn't ready, and Einstein was. Or at least he wanted to be. At seventeen I wasn't ready for the intensity that relationship was, and I hurt him. I broke it off, in an immature way, and was mean. I never explained anything, maybe I wasn't really sure why it wouldn't work, but I am positive that I blamed it all on him. He did have some serious problems and after our break up, his life spiraled down. We didn't stay in contact, and our lives seemed to move on. But I always kept Einstein close to  my heart. However, the way I remembered him, was from the perception of a seventeen girl, and now after reading his letters, I see home from a  thirty year old woman.
             I have come to realize, just how much I have hurt the people in my life. People that I loved. And most of the time, it was just because I was incredibly selfish. I have said horrible things, and done thoughtless, heartless things. I am so glad I found these, I obviously don't feel great about how I lived my life, and I want to make amends. Even if the other people don't really care. This watching what you say an dhow you say it thing has been tricky for me, but with this challenge, God has brought some much more to light for me. It's not necessarily my words that I need to change, but my attitude, and the way I see other people!
            I am a work in very slow progress, but I am so glad I get to share it with you!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Wait... Was THAT sarcastic?

             Was that sarcastic? Seems to be my catch phrase lately. I have accepted a challenge to not be sarcastic for an entire week. No sarcasm in my world is like... taking away the jelly from the peanut butter... was that sarcastic? The biggest problem I am finding is that, I don't even know when I am being sarcastic. How can I ever expect other people to get me, if I don't really understand my own words?
            Lately I have been talking to the kids about the power of the word. God created the world with only words. "let there be light!" And it was light. He didn't have a magic wand, or even a special incantation, he just spoke it, and there it was. Makes you think about the things coming out of our mouths. With just a word Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, and healed many. With only His words, he begged for our forgiveness, as He became sin while hanging on the cross for the rest of us, who could only hope to be as holy as He.
              It is with words that build each other up, or tear each other down. Words leave the most damage to a mind, and yet they have the power to linger on someones hearts to get them through a rough childhood. One kind word could change someones outlook on life, and one sarcastic word, could do the same in a negative way.
               But I think honestly, the most damage we do, is to ourselves. "I'm so dumb... I don't have any gifts... I'm ugly... I'm a monster..." The list goes on. If we say something enough, we believe it, and if we believe it strongly enough, we become it. If I walked around saying I was a terrible mother or wife, eventually, after talking everyone else into believing that, I would eventually become it. If I walked around talking about how life sucked, my perception would be off, and everything would seem to suck, until eventually no one would want to be around me, and the the bad things that just happen in life would seem worse, and I wouldn't have a grip on reality, and my life would suck...
            BUT... If I talked about how great life is, or how I am walking in freedom, and I no longer needed to fear, or that I am surrounded in love, and I am radiating in love, and I give love freely, Oh the possibilities... Wouldn't life be amazing...
              Who knows maybe that girl you just told was pretty, or that she had a great smile, just decided to give up in love, because she felt ugly, but now you have given her a glimmer of God's love. Or how about the power of speaking God's Word to people. If we walk around silent, how are we to ever save anyone? It is true some people don't want to hear what we have to say, but the right words, could save a life, or better yet, a soul.
                Let's give more thought in to what we say to one another, and especially to our selves. If the world can be made with a word, think about what the right ones could do for our lives...
       Now THAT is some great advise!!!! (Wait was that sarcastic?)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

buying houses boldly

              We have been learning about being BOLD at church this last month. Through this series we have been studying the books of Acts. And this past Sunday we learned about BOLDly obeying God. A few days before the service, our Pastor, PS, had called and asked me to email him a few testimonies on our obedience. After discussing what he had in mind, he finally gave me free reign to write what I thought was god, and however many I thought necessary. (Bad move on his part, once I get going, I may never stop! Bwa ha ha!) 
              Anyway, I had sent him four or five storied of my acts of obedience, and what they had done for us. He had chosen two, and along with a few other people's testimonies read them aloud during the service. (If you would like to here it the service and the other testimonies please feel free to click on this link: http://clcbutler.org/media/2012/7-22-12.mp3 )
              One of the stories I had sent seemed to me to be the biggest one. I thought for sure it would have been used. I thought that it would help so many others in seeing how great God and faithful God is. Looking at it now, I realize that I felt so strongly about that testimony because it was very hard for me to obey and trust. And though it may not have been what PS wanted, or needed, I thought maybe I should share it with you.
              A few months ago, Husband and I began looking at houses. When we first started, I thought we would just look at a few, and then stop, just like we have done so  many times before. But after about seven houses I started to realize Husband was serious. We looked at a dozen or so houses before we fell in love.  This house was beautiful, brick, six bedroom home with plenty of room to spare. Mom could live with us, and I could have an office. It came with a garage, (the only thing Husband seemed to really want) and it was in our price range. It needed some work, and the yard definitely left something to be desired, but the four of us were in love. And we went home to pray about it. Husband and I prayed together, and we prayed as a family, and then I prayed on my home. I knew that it was only by God's grace that we were even able to buy a house at this point in our lives, and I wanted to make sure it was His will that we bought THIS one.
          I prayed long and hard, and asked that he let me know if this was the one and if we should move on it. I opened my bible to read for the night, and when I did my eyes landed on John 4:16 "Go and get your husband," Jesus told her.  "Ha, ha God, that is really funny" I said out loud, "but seriously, I need an answer." so I closed my bible, prayed once more and opened it again. This time I even tried to manipulate it, to make sure I wasn't any where close to that verse again, but sure enough, that;s where I opened it again, I remember thinking that maybe he just wanted me to wait for Husband and we could pray together, so I did, but every time we did, I heard nothing, I felt nothing.
            So Husband said he was positive that God wanted us to have this house, and the next day we put it our bid. Sitting at the realtor's office, I remember having a panic attack. I felt wrong, and wanted to get out of there. I kept telling Husband that we shouldn't be doing this, and I didn't think it was right. I didn't hear anything from God, and he kept assuring me that he heard clearly that we should be doing this. In the midst of my panic there was this moment when my silent battle with God had just stopped. I threw up my hands and said, "Fine God, I 'll let him do this, but I am trusting YOU that you will make it right. If he isn't doing what he is supposed to be, if he hasn't been praying or hearing you, then you need to make sure this doesn't go through." and then in my most threatening tone, I said, "I AM TRUSTING YOU!" Looking back I realize how ridiculous it was to threaten God, but I did let go of my control of that situation, and let God and Husband handle it. The next day we learned that we could not get the house, because it was bank owned and they wanted cash.
              There was a small part of me that was sad. I really did want it to be the house, and I was hoping that it was God's plan, no matter how I felt it wasn't. But there was a much bigger part of me that was relieved, and I knew that God had stuck to His end of the bargain.
             And the hunt continued. We had looked at least twenty more houses before Husband was in love again. This house was a smaller three bedroom, no room for Mom, no room for an office, barely bigger than what we were already living in. It did have a swimming pool  and over an acre of a semi private yard. Oh yes, and the most important thing, according to most men, a garage. When we went home from looking at the house Husband went on and on how he knew that was the house. He felt it as soon as we went in. We are going to grow old there.I just know it... blah, blah, blah... I however, did not feel that way, so I prayed. I prayed hard, and asked God for a sign. Is this the house? If it is I will be gracious, and I will love it and care for it, and I wouldn't fight. I just needed to know that it was what God had for us. I opened my bible to read once again, and the very first verse I read was, Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Awesome! I didn't second guess it this time. I knew he was talking to me, and I knew that meant that I was to stay out of it.
           Husband scheduled another viewing of the house. Mom came, and showed that she wasn't impressed, and Husband had decided to move forward. I was anything but thrilled, but I let Husband decide. The bid was accepted immediately and the process began. I stayed out of all of it. Husband took care of all the details, and I packed. I got a lot of ridicule from my friends for letting husband handle it. Even a Christian friend of mine made her opinion of my insanity known. "Isn't that a decision you and Husband should make together?" And I would always reply that God was clear and wanted me to stay out of it. It was hard. I will say that. When people keep saying you're crazy, when you don't even particularly like the house, when things go wrong, and when your husband can't even take charge on where you are going to eat, it tends to make things a little more difficult. I mean, we weren't even sure that we had the house until the day before closing. But I knew that if this was the house God really wanted for us, then eventually I would be happy. I would fall in love, and the house would be a dwelling for Jesus, where my kids would grow up learning to love and forgive like him, where I would grow old being proud of who they have become, being proud of who Husband and I have become. I had faith in God, and I knew that if it was His will, it would be great!
             And then when it actually came to closing, I stayed home, and let Husband do the work. We obliviously bought the house. We have been living in it for almost three months. I am not only in love with the house, for the most part, but I am falling in love with Husband all over again. Letting him make such a big decision without my help, seemed to change the dynamic of our family. Even though Husband put me in the role of leader in our house, I couldn't expect him to step up, if I never stepped down long enough to give him a chance. I learned a lot about Husband, and the man he could be. Things are much different on our family now, we have more communication skills with each other, and he seems to have more confidence. I am so glad that I listened to God, that I BOLDly obeyed, even though I was ridiculed by some of the people closest to me. I didn't let them or Satan change my mind or make me think I was doing something wrong. I stuck with God. I listened for His voice, and took comfort in knowing I was doing His will. I expected that everything would be alright, and He honored that! So please if any of you are having second thoughts as to doing what you think God was telling you, do it. If it's God's will you can't go wrong!
       

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

"Mommy, SweetFace didn't pray for me the right way!"

    Tonight, I asked Sweet Face to help me with bedtime by tucking in Peanut and praying for her. Knowing that Sweet Face is seriously anointed by God, and is always willing to pray over and for people, I expected him to do well.  He always seems to know how to pray and what to pray. He has a real gift. So after he finishes and they stop giggling, he went into his room and tucked himself in. (For the record I don't usually make Sweet Face do my work, there's something wrong with my neck!)
     A few minutes later I hear the sweet chipmunk voice of my little Peanut, "Mommy, SweetFace didn't pray for me the right way." "Well Peanut there is no wrong way to pray as long as it comes from the heart." "All he did was thank God for me, and asked that he would watch over me." She replies. And as I am thinking how that;s pretty much what I do, and it sounds like a good job to me, she says, "I need you to do it the right way." So I tell her to come into my room.
       I explain to her, that what Sweet Face prayed was fine. It doesn't have to be just like my prayer, but if she wants I will pray for her again. She looks at me with that sweet little face, and puts her tiny hand on my neck, and says, "I want to pray for you!" Wow! Of course being the Peanut is only four, I didn't really expect much, but I let her do it. I mean who turns down perfectly good prayer?
       "Father God," she starts off. "We thank you for Mommy, and we ask that you heal her. Take away all of her pain, and make her neck feel better. Give her healing, and make her comfortable, and make her not nauseous. We ask that you be with her, and take away all of her pain, so that she can keep her goodness. Thank you Jesus. In Jesus Name, Amen." As my eyes welled up with tears of pride, I felt it on my heart to talk to Peanut about giving her life to Christ.
        It's strange, because I am usually the first one to say, "Do you really think a kid that age really understands?" But if God tells me something, I do it.. (Some things just take a little longer) So I explained it to her. "Do you know what it means to give your life to Christ?" Peanut shakes her head no. "Well it is when you want Jesus Christ to come into your heart. You decide to let Him be in charge of your life, and you want to follow Him, and listen to His rules forever. It means that you want Him to save you, because sometimes you sin. And sin is when you do something wrong. And if we don't have Jesus Christ, even when we are sorry, we aren't forgiven. It means that you know why he died on the cross, and that you believe it. Do you know why?" She said she did, and then told me, it was so we could go to heaven, so that God could forgive us. "Well does that sound like something you want to do?" "Oh yes, Mommy." "Ok sweet girl, then we will pray together, just say what I say..." I lead her through the prayer, and kept it very simple. I didn't use big words, or get over complicated. We didn't pray for longer than two minuted, if even that, but as we held hands, talked to God, I could feel the Holy Spirit. His presence was so overwhelming, and I cried, and as we closed our prayer, Peanut began to laugh. She laughed, and giggled, and had the biggest smile on her face. She actually seemed to glow. She squeezed my hand and looked up at me with her amazingly big brown eyes, and still giggling said, "Could we do that again?"
          We talked about how great she felt, and I explained why. I then told her a bit about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, and as she listened, her eyes twinkled. Once again I felt the Holy Spirit all over us, and could feel Him in the conversation, so we prayed again, only this time we asked the Holy Spirit to come, and to fill Peanut up.
        After we prayed together again, she kissed me on the forehead, and asked Sweet Face if she could pray for him. At first he said no, and she insisted that she needed to so he let her. She came back into my room and told me that she had prayed for Sweet Face in the Spirit, and she wanted to pray for me again before she went to bed. And she did.
         I can say that though the enemy is fighting me on my belief, my little girl seems to have been changed in very little time. I believe that she was saved today, not that I thought she was damned before, but I realize how great it is that these two kids have such a head start on an amazing life. That they will grow up knowing God, and the miracles if Jesus Christ and his name. I believe they will save millions of people and heal nations, with the Holy Spirit.
       I am thankful for the opportunity to raise these two spiritual kids. I always believed I would do something big in my life, and now I know that it was to bring these two into the world, to do the work of God! Praise God, and thank you Jesus.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Special Moms

        As any of you "special needs" parents out there know, some days are far more easier than others. I mean for the most part, everyday is just another special day with the amazing gift you were blessed with. But there are other days that make your heart heavy and break for that amazing child.  For me, today is one of those days. Its funny, for five years now, I have known that my little SweetFace was something extra special. I walk around talking about his suspected dyslexia, as if it were nothing. I am sure that by my words, and actions, it has looked like I have totally accepted what we have been dealt with, and I am ok with it. Most days, I am. But today I opened the mail, and in it, found a package containing SweetFaces newest evaluation. Through my tears, I read how he was struggling, and because of his language disorder he appears to be in a low average range. I read through the entire 18 pages with a breaking heart, and for Sweet Face, and if I had to be honest, for myself, and Husband. No one wants to know that their child isn't "normal." Husband has struggled more than I have, but it is still so hard and lonely at times.
        As I sat and read this evaluation, I longed to call someone, to talk it out, to have someone understand what I was going through, but then I think, it could be so much worse, but should that thought make everything ok? Well, it doesn't. Because the sweetest boy I will ever have the pleasure of knowing, will spend the majority, if not all of his life struggling to succeed in school, and work. Because the kindest person, let alone kid, will spend so much of his life being made fun of and tormented, and bullied, because he doesn't talk like the rest of the kids. Because if he doesn't already know it, someday he is going to realize how different he is, and have to figure out a way to overcome insecurities. And to top it all off, like that isn't enough, he's four sizes bigger than most kids his age, and looks older, so the torment gets worse, especially with his glasses, allergies, eczema, and asthma.
        What do we as parents do? We can only tell them how great they are. Pray for them, and watch as they experience life through their "special needs" tinted glasses.
         And selfishly I think about how, when I signed up to be a parent, this isn't what I thought I would be getting into. I know those feelings don't seem right, but they are true, and they are there. I understand how some parents just live in a world of denial, because it probably is easier than facing the truth. But what then are we doing to help that said child?
          I know that Sweet Face's challenges are not a curse. I think that someday God is going to use it for amazing things. I know that God has a great purpose for him, and dyslexia, plays a big part. I know that it seems like I shouldn't have too much to be upset about, but dyslexia is more than backwards letters, its reasoning and understanding. In fact, it resembles autism, or ADD, but with the added struggle of not being able to read well. Or talk well. Or even remember your friend's or cousin's or aunt's or uncle's names. How frustrating that must be. It is waking up everyday, and not wanting to read because you feel stupid. It is not understanding the rules to something and getting in trouble because you didn't realize you couldn't do that, and feeling like a bad kid. It's interrupting your teacher several times with a question, because you didn't realize she was with someone else, and by the time she;s done you will have forgotten what you needed anyway. It's like being seven and having the first developments of Alzheimer's, except.... you feel stupid, and you don't remember what it was like to be normal, because you never were.
           And as his mother, all I can do fight for his rights, and his help, but some days it is so hard to that, because I still have to accept who he really is. I have to wake up and accept it daily. It does not come naturally, but it is something I have to do. I have remind his father, and grandparents, that he doesn't understand, or worry when he plays baseball, because the coach will think he is bad, instead of just not understanding. Or his first day on the bus, or school. Will he be marked as a kid with behavioral issues instead of them trying to understand that he doesn't understand. Or worry about the day that his baby sister of three years, is going to realize that he's different and how to handle that situation. My heart breaks for him every time a kid is mean to him and he doesn't understand what he did. Or worse when an adult is.
         But I have to remember how great Sweet Face is, and how his dyslexia doesn't make him who he is. It doesn't define him. That whether we knew what the problems were or not, he would still be him, and I would still love him the same. That God is going to make this great, and my job is to remember that, to remind Sweet Face that, and to let God have him. To walk in His strength, and to raise Sweet Face the right way, disabilities or not. And reading those reports, only remind me, how special he is, and delicate. It reminds me of the type of parent I  need to be with him. And I have to remember even on my loneliest days, though there aren't a lot of people who can understand exactly what I am going through, not even Husband, I do have the Lord to lean on.
    So I will dry my eyes, and hope that this reaches anyone who has ever felt the same way. Lean on God and His strength, and you and your child will make it through. We aren't alone, we are the luckiest ones, because we learn to be more patient, to be more understanding, and loving. And we have them, and God... Thank God for that!