When Husband and I met, I was 21, almost 22, I had five nephews, and I was an amazing Aunt. And to be perfectly honest, that's all I ever wanted to be. I was happy working and spoiling those kids. But Husband talked nonstop about having babies of his own.
Husband and I met in January, and by June we were pregnant. This is not the way I recommend doing things, especially at such a young age. We barely knew each other realistically, and now we were bringing another person into our mess.
Both living at home we decided to get an apartment together, and we soon moved in. Things got terrible, and though I don't want to go into specifics, because that is not actually what this post is about, I have to say, I was stuck in an awful situation and felt like there was no way out. I had made the decision, whether by accident or not, I chose to have this baby with this man, I barely knew. Don't get me wrong, I loved Husband, or at least what I thought I knew of him, but it got difficult fast!
In nine months I had lost my self, my body, my mind, and my world to this growing child inside of me. I didn't feel excited, or proud, I just wanted him out, so I could be me again!
The story of Sweet Faces birth is irrelevant, but if you want to read about it, it is on a earlier post. The time I spent after he was born is what matters. When he was born he had extra fluid in his lungs and I couldn't see him for eight hours after giving birth. A nurse had shown me a photo, and he was the scariest thing I had ever seen. At 6lbs 7 oz, and 22 inches long, he had no fat what so ever, not even a but, and his eyes took up three fourths of his face, and they were black. He was covered in dark thick hair, and just wasn't all that cute!
When I finally did get to hold him the first time, I remember thinking that I loved him, and it was neat that I gave birth, but there was NO connection. I was by no means IN love with him, and I began to feel guilty.
Any of you parents out there know that babies are hard enough to take care of, with all the crying, and pooping and eating, and not sleeping unless you are awake, imagine doing that and not being in love. It quickly turned into post partum depression.
Husband was no help, and didn't even seem like he was interested in this baby at all, and I was stuck with him, every single second of every single day. I hadn't showered in what felt like weeks, because I didn't know what to do with him, I was SO tired, and I just wanted his real mom to come and pick him up, because I couldn't take it anymore.
That was when I started drinking. (Don't worry, I had already quit trying to breast feed, and did carry some guilt for that as well) I would wake up in the morning, take care of Sweet face; feed him, change him, dress him, and then I would make myself a drink. I don't remember ever get drunk, just stayed buzzed throughout the day. I guess to cope. I spent everyday like that for about two, maybe three weeks, when I realized I was doing the very thing, I swore I would NEVER. I wasn't being a good mother, I was barely living, and Husband, was just making things worse. So I packed up all of our stuff, and moved in with my mother, and stopped drinking.
It was then that I truly realized what was going on. I contemplated very seriously, giving Sweet Face up for adoption. His dad, was a loser who refused to stop partying, and I didn't have a job, or a degree, and wasn't even sure I loved him enough, and was coming to understand that I couldn't give this sweet boy the life that he deserved. Sometimes being a good parent, is admitting that you can be the kind of parent that innocent child needs or deserves, and you have to make the right choice to let someone else have the chance.
I felt hopeless, and tired, and I wanted someone to love him right. Someone who could take care of him. I loved him enough to want that. I knew that I loved him, I just didn't really like him, and I didn't want him to grow up like that. I have seen what that can do to people, and I wanted to make the right decision for him.
Someone very close tome, had given up a child for adoption, and I had grown up seeing the pain and anguish that can cause. I didn't want that for myself, so I talked to that person about it, and made my decision. Of course I decided to keep Sweet Face. I thought that if I got help for my post partum, maybe things would be different, and I at least owed it to him to try it.
By God's grace, and I do believe that is what it was, the next time I had to feed Sweet Face, I picked him up , and stared at him. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the very love I had been missing. I realized that I was here on this earth to bring this wonderful person into the world, and it was then I realized how special he was! After that, I had spent everyday falling deeper and deeper in love with this boy. My life became so consumed by him, that it brinked
And almost seven years later, I am still obsessed with that sweet boy. There hasn't been a single day that I regretted my decision to keep him. He is smart, and beautiful. He has the kindest heart I have ever known, and even in all the struggles we have had to face with him, and his health, and dyslexia, and bad teeth, and any other problems, is all worth it. I feel completely blessed to just know this kid, let alone to have him as a part of my life! But I am so HONORED that God chose me to be his momma!
Post partum depression is a real and serious problem, and I got lucky! Some women have gotten so bad that they have hurt their children, or worse. It isn't a joke, and it doesn't make you bad mother. What does make a difference is whether you admit it, and get help for it, determines what kind of parent you are. It's a common problem, and there is help out there. What I did forget to mention was that, though I started to fall in love with my Sweet Face, I still got help! I took anti depressants until I felt better, and got counseling. Th fact that I was willing to do whatever it took to feel better, so that I could be the parent he deserved is what made me a good parent. Feeling that way didn't determine my ability, making the right choices for him did!
If you or someone you know is struggling with post partum depression or depression of any sort, I urge you to get help, and if you ever need someone to talk to, stranger or not. I am open to that! There is a national website on PPD at http://www.postpartum.net 1*800*944*4PPD.
I hope this helps, any of you! Please know that you are not alone! Good luck, God Bless, and know that you are loved!
Husband and I met in January, and by June we were pregnant. This is not the way I recommend doing things, especially at such a young age. We barely knew each other realistically, and now we were bringing another person into our mess.
Both living at home we decided to get an apartment together, and we soon moved in. Things got terrible, and though I don't want to go into specifics, because that is not actually what this post is about, I have to say, I was stuck in an awful situation and felt like there was no way out. I had made the decision, whether by accident or not, I chose to have this baby with this man, I barely knew. Don't get me wrong, I loved Husband, or at least what I thought I knew of him, but it got difficult fast!
In nine months I had lost my self, my body, my mind, and my world to this growing child inside of me. I didn't feel excited, or proud, I just wanted him out, so I could be me again!
The story of Sweet Faces birth is irrelevant, but if you want to read about it, it is on a earlier post. The time I spent after he was born is what matters. When he was born he had extra fluid in his lungs and I couldn't see him for eight hours after giving birth. A nurse had shown me a photo, and he was the scariest thing I had ever seen. At 6lbs 7 oz, and 22 inches long, he had no fat what so ever, not even a but, and his eyes took up three fourths of his face, and they were black. He was covered in dark thick hair, and just wasn't all that cute!
When I finally did get to hold him the first time, I remember thinking that I loved him, and it was neat that I gave birth, but there was NO connection. I was by no means IN love with him, and I began to feel guilty.
Any of you parents out there know that babies are hard enough to take care of, with all the crying, and pooping and eating, and not sleeping unless you are awake, imagine doing that and not being in love. It quickly turned into post partum depression.
Husband was no help, and didn't even seem like he was interested in this baby at all, and I was stuck with him, every single second of every single day. I hadn't showered in what felt like weeks, because I didn't know what to do with him, I was SO tired, and I just wanted his real mom to come and pick him up, because I couldn't take it anymore.
That was when I started drinking. (Don't worry, I had already quit trying to breast feed, and did carry some guilt for that as well) I would wake up in the morning, take care of Sweet face; feed him, change him, dress him, and then I would make myself a drink. I don't remember ever get drunk, just stayed buzzed throughout the day. I guess to cope. I spent everyday like that for about two, maybe three weeks, when I realized I was doing the very thing, I swore I would NEVER. I wasn't being a good mother, I was barely living, and Husband, was just making things worse. So I packed up all of our stuff, and moved in with my mother, and stopped drinking.
It was then that I truly realized what was going on. I contemplated very seriously, giving Sweet Face up for adoption. His dad, was a loser who refused to stop partying, and I didn't have a job, or a degree, and wasn't even sure I loved him enough, and was coming to understand that I couldn't give this sweet boy the life that he deserved. Sometimes being a good parent, is admitting that you can be the kind of parent that innocent child needs or deserves, and you have to make the right choice to let someone else have the chance.
I felt hopeless, and tired, and I wanted someone to love him right. Someone who could take care of him. I loved him enough to want that. I knew that I loved him, I just didn't really like him, and I didn't want him to grow up like that. I have seen what that can do to people, and I wanted to make the right decision for him.
Someone very close tome, had given up a child for adoption, and I had grown up seeing the pain and anguish that can cause. I didn't want that for myself, so I talked to that person about it, and made my decision. Of course I decided to keep Sweet Face. I thought that if I got help for my post partum, maybe things would be different, and I at least owed it to him to try it.
By God's grace, and I do believe that is what it was, the next time I had to feed Sweet Face, I picked him up , and stared at him. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the very love I had been missing. I realized that I was here on this earth to bring this wonderful person into the world, and it was then I realized how special he was! After that, I had spent everyday falling deeper and deeper in love with this boy. My life became so consumed by him, that it brinked
And almost seven years later, I am still obsessed with that sweet boy. There hasn't been a single day that I regretted my decision to keep him. He is smart, and beautiful. He has the kindest heart I have ever known, and even in all the struggles we have had to face with him, and his health, and dyslexia, and bad teeth, and any other problems, is all worth it. I feel completely blessed to just know this kid, let alone to have him as a part of my life! But I am so HONORED that God chose me to be his momma!
Post partum depression is a real and serious problem, and I got lucky! Some women have gotten so bad that they have hurt their children, or worse. It isn't a joke, and it doesn't make you bad mother. What does make a difference is whether you admit it, and get help for it, determines what kind of parent you are. It's a common problem, and there is help out there. What I did forget to mention was that, though I started to fall in love with my Sweet Face, I still got help! I took anti depressants until I felt better, and got counseling. Th fact that I was willing to do whatever it took to feel better, so that I could be the parent he deserved is what made me a good parent. Feeling that way didn't determine my ability, making the right choices for him did!
If you or someone you know is struggling with post partum depression or depression of any sort, I urge you to get help, and if you ever need someone to talk to, stranger or not. I am open to that! There is a national website on PPD at http://www.postpartum.net 1*800*944*4PPD.
I hope this helps, any of you! Please know that you are not alone! Good luck, God Bless, and know that you are loved!
Post partum depression is something that I never truly understood until it happened to me. I experienced it after the birth of both my children (especially my first), and I was really caught off guard with how debilitating (spiritually, emotionally and physically) it can be. One book that helped me so much was "Down Came The Rain" by Brooke Shields. It was so nice to read her story (just like you have done) and realize that you're not alone. That makes all the difference in the world when you're in the middle of it all.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this, Liz!
What a great post Liz. Thanks for sharing. Although I wasn't diagnosed with ppd till after a year later, I totally understand what you felt. I struggled admitting my feelings and very few people knew or even know to this day. I was ashamed. I felt like I couldn't love Aevan the way I loved and desired Ian. For me it turned into full on depression that I struggle with to this day. I don't talk about it but am in therapy even now because of this very issue. They wanted to medicate me but I was reluctant to go that route. Maybe if I had I wouldn't be feeling the way I do even now. I love Aevan and Ian and feel very blessed but understanding that ppd is a sickness not a personality flaw truly has helped me recognize it's not about self worth, it's about loving yourself enough to get treatment. Thanks for your post Liz. It's amazing how God is using you~ <3
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