Vasectomy, and tears

To all of my dedicated fans, (Insert Sacrasm) A sincere apology for letting too much time surpass since my last entry. Holidays seem to bring out the.... most depressed me. The stress of gifts and the extreme pressure of finding one that is going to make your in laws FINALLY love you. (Obviously I know that isn't going to work, but isn't that why we try so hard?) And of course My little Peanut's birthday is right before Christmas, so on top of all of this, Not As Good gets laid off, and decides he is going to get a vasectomy on December 23. The day before Christmas Eve, without really discussing it with me.

Let me be clear. Not As Good and I have talked about him getting a vasectomy for quite some time, but it is usually followed up by discussion having another child. So obviously I am quite indessissive. Being that is the case I think nothing permanebt should be done, but Not As Good keeps scheduling these appointments... and never showing up. So when he comes home from a side job one Friday, and says, "I have an appointment on Monday to discuss a vasectomy." I don't think much of it, but make sure he understands that I don't want him to get one. Monday comes and Not As Good actually goes to the appointment. As I try to wrap my head around it and get a grip on my feelings, I receive a call. Not As Good is on the other line ready to inform me that he is absolutely getting vasectomy and it is going to happen THIS Thursday... (Which happens to be last Thursday)

My head and my heart start spinning. How can he do this? Why so fast? What if I want another baby? Now, I know that I don't want another one, but being that I am only a month shy of twenty nine, I might want one later in life. And if he can't give me one, I know I am NOT the type of person who can let go of the bitterness and the blame! It will, without a doubt, destroy our marriage. I cried for two days, Tuesday and Wedensday went by too fast. I yelled and screamed and promised him I would make life terrible, if he went through with it. I guarenteed I would not be there to support him, and that it would not be forgiven. I begged and pleaded. I even offered sex anytime for life if he just didn't do it.

Thursday came and he was determined. I arranged for a babysitter, and of course I took him. Still not happy, but unwilling to not support him in this decision. We pulled up to the office and I turned to him, "Please don't do this. I really think this is a mistake!" "I don't want anymore kids, and I am going to do it" It was all I could do to not run into that room and kick the doctor in the face to get him away from my husband, but I stayed composed.

He comes out of the room wobbly but a smile, and I just want to curl into a ball and die. Since then, I haven't felt the same way about him, or my life. I feel like I am in cinstant mourning, and I am not even sure why. I suppose I am mourning the possibilitiy of any of my unborn children. The fear of my possible divorce. The emptiness in my gutt. All this and I didn't even want anymore children. I cry once a day, as if I actually lost something, I don't even know what to do, or how to act....

I have never been more confused...

If you have any reservations about making it impossible to have more children, do NOT do it! Hopefully it gets better with time, but I feel as though we are going to regret it!

By the way Not As Good, is doing fine. The "wounds" seem to be healing well! Just in case there were any concerns!