More boo- hoo's

I always believed that some day my wirting would help at least one person not feel so lonely. Which us one of the reasons I try to be brutally honest, even with my private life.

This "vasectomy" thing has really thrown me through a loop. I am so sad all of the time, and even when I do my favorite activities, like shopping, I come across the cutest baby clothes and it's everything I have not to cry. I feel like I have lost a child, a miscarriage. And having had one I do know what that feelis like. But this particular miscarriage is forever!

I continue to mourn for my unborn children, for the chance to ever have another, and yet this whole time I didn't want anymore..... yet! I guess I always though when Sweet Face was older, like eleven or so, I would have another baby. I don't know why I pictured my life that way, but I did, and now faced with the reality that it is NEVER going to happen.

Now many people have pointed out that vasectomy's are reversable, but we aren't going to do something like that. I know my husband and he would never. I just can't stop feeling like this was a huge mistake.

I don't even know what to do with myself, and I feel ridiculous feeling this way, or talking about it. I feel like it has ruined my marriage, and talking to Not As Good doesn't seem to do any good. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to understand what I am feeling.

So where do I go from here? Has anyone ever felt this way? Does aynone relate? I feel truly alone!