I find myself longing for more out of my life. There is an empty gap staring at me through out my entire day. I can usually keep the blackness if it at bay by keeping myself busy. Running errands, kissing the kids, shopping, and more recently, and more often, eating. Then night falls and I put off going to bed at night for as long as possible by cleaning, or watching T.V. until untill I can no longer hold open my eyes. Then I go... I lay there and get so overwhelmed with emptiness, and unfullfillment that I can't sleep at all.

My soul is crying out in desperation. It yearns for something more than being a mother, a wife, daughter, or friend. In all of those titles, not one actually dexcribes who I am, just waht. I'm lost in a sea of should be's. I am doggy paddling as who i am supposed to be, just barely passing through the massive waters.

There was once a time when I swam with forceful, confident strokes, now I am cosantly gaping for air. Most of the time the water is so far above my head, I just want to give up...

How did I get so lost and incomplete?

I do love my life, or at least I know I should! I have wonderful children, who give me more love, and patience, and caring that I could ever ask for. An amazing husband that works hard to give me everything I need and want, both emotionally, and finacially. I have good friends, and great family, yet I feel the constant presence of my empty loneliness. I don't understand it, nor how to change. I have come to realize that I can't do it on my own, that ihave to turn it over to a higher power, and ask God for help... That's all I can do!