Just in case you haven't noticed the last couple blogs have had a "theme" Mommihood. I feel like God has put this topic on my heart for some reason. I honestly don't know why, but I am sure it will reveal itself the more I follow His instructions! And of course, with Mother's Day vastly approaching, it is perfect timing. Good call God!
Anyways, if you have read my last two posts, (I think) you have discovered just how hard it was for me to accept my mommy/wife role. I still have days when I want to run away, curl up into a ball, and cry myself to sleep, and then live wherever I am, away from Husband and Kids. Actually that just happened two days ago. I guess those days come so we can be tested on how we react. I FAILED. I came upstairs, ready for bed, the kids were still up, Peanut had single handily destroyed her room, and Sweet Faces room. The hallway was a mess, and I go to sit on the toilet seat and it is soaked! Well... I acted, let's say, a little less Christianly than I would like to admit..... Alright, I was a raving lunatic! I started throwing Peanuts stuff into her room, demanding she clean it now. I got Sweet Face out of his bed to make him clean the toilet seat, while throwing a tantrum, and then I did it... I said something, I still regret saying today... "Why don't you guys move into the new house, and I will stay here, maybe then the house will stay clean." See, I do this thing where I say stuff. I am not always being mean, usually I am not, and most of the time it comes out funny, this however, was not one of those moments. No, both kids start crying, and yelling, "We will miss you, We need you, You can't leave, I love you, Don't do this to us." Yeah.... The shame of it, as I sit here typing comes back up. I wish I could take that moment away so bad, and in the midst of my hormonal anger (yes, it is THAT time, again) I felt so remorseful, but how do I stop the madness now?
First, I took a moment to repent for acting that way. Sometimes, I don't realize just how bad my words can sting, even if I know I don't mean them. Husband gets me, and I forget how literal the kids take me, but besides that, why should I even waste my time saying things I don't mean? My Word should be my word. (Anyone recognize that Bible verse)
After apologizing to God, I walked into Sweet Faces room. I held him in my arms, and explained that I didn't mean it. I will always take them with me, and I would never leave them. I told him how sorry I was for saying something like that, and how God is working on me too. That I needed to pray for guidance and his help to watch the things I say and do. And I asked Sweet Face for his forgiveness.
Then it was Peanut's turn. See throughout my days I wrong that sweet little girl many times, and apologize often. The two of us bump heads, and argue, and we are so much a like, and she is so smart and mature, that I often forget she is only four, and I expect too much. I lose my temper too easily, and I ask for her forgiveness too often. This is something God is really working on me about, and I can't wait for the end result, because I just want to love her, and hug her, and have things be good. I want to learn to be a better Momma to her, to both my kids.
So, I called her into my room. I held her in my arms, and began to cry. "I love you Peanut, so much. And I am so sorry for saying that. I am sorry for all the things I say or do that hurt you. I have been asking for God's help, and I know that with His help, I am going to be a better momma to you. I hope that you forgive me."
And isn't that the beauty of kids. They are a constant reminder of God's grace, because no matter how we treat them, they always forgive us. Both of those kids forgave me, even though I just moments ago, ripped there little hearts out. I didn't deserve their forgiveness, and I would probably make the same mistake again, but they continue to forgive me, and love me, over and over again. Remind you of anyone?
That night I said a long prayer to the Lord. "Father God, please forgive me. I thank you Lord for your forgiveness, and your grace. I thank you for your guidance and your love, and I ask that you give me more of your love. Lord, I ask that you block Sweet Face and Peanut, and even Husband's hearts from the things that I say or do, that could cause permanent damage, while I learn to be a better wife and mother. Lord I thank you for the helping me better. I thanks you for your patience.. Lord, I ask that you show me how to be a better mother to each child, and how to be your light and love to them. I ask that you show me how to be a better wife, even on the days that Husband doesn't deserve it, because You matched me up with them. Lord I thank you for giving me this family, and though I don't show my gratitude often, I am so thankful. Lord I know that you entrusted me with these children to teach them right, to bring them up in your light, so they can learn to be little soldiers shining with your love, and I promise I will try harder, but Lord, I need your help, your strength, your patience, your love, your guidance. And I thank you Lord for always forgiving me, always loving me, always helping me when I ask. I love you Lord Jesus and I thank you for everything you have done, for everything you are doing, and everything you will do for me, and my family, and the rest of the world. In Jesus Name, Amen"
I by no means am the perfect mother, and I know that horrible mistakes will be made. And while I really didn't want to post this, I knew I had to. I never really intended to be this honest, but who am I to argue with the creator of ALL things? I know that with God's grace, I will become a better wife and mother. Everyday, I can feel it happening, and I am thankful!
Anyways, if you have read my last two posts, (I think) you have discovered just how hard it was for me to accept my mommy/wife role. I still have days when I want to run away, curl up into a ball, and cry myself to sleep, and then live wherever I am, away from Husband and Kids. Actually that just happened two days ago. I guess those days come so we can be tested on how we react. I FAILED. I came upstairs, ready for bed, the kids were still up, Peanut had single handily destroyed her room, and Sweet Faces room. The hallway was a mess, and I go to sit on the toilet seat and it is soaked! Well... I acted, let's say, a little less Christianly than I would like to admit..... Alright, I was a raving lunatic! I started throwing Peanuts stuff into her room, demanding she clean it now. I got Sweet Face out of his bed to make him clean the toilet seat, while throwing a tantrum, and then I did it... I said something, I still regret saying today... "Why don't you guys move into the new house, and I will stay here, maybe then the house will stay clean." See, I do this thing where I say stuff. I am not always being mean, usually I am not, and most of the time it comes out funny, this however, was not one of those moments. No, both kids start crying, and yelling, "We will miss you, We need you, You can't leave, I love you, Don't do this to us." Yeah.... The shame of it, as I sit here typing comes back up. I wish I could take that moment away so bad, and in the midst of my hormonal anger (yes, it is THAT time, again) I felt so remorseful, but how do I stop the madness now?
First, I took a moment to repent for acting that way. Sometimes, I don't realize just how bad my words can sting, even if I know I don't mean them. Husband gets me, and I forget how literal the kids take me, but besides that, why should I even waste my time saying things I don't mean? My Word should be my word. (Anyone recognize that Bible verse)
After apologizing to God, I walked into Sweet Faces room. I held him in my arms, and explained that I didn't mean it. I will always take them with me, and I would never leave them. I told him how sorry I was for saying something like that, and how God is working on me too. That I needed to pray for guidance and his help to watch the things I say and do. And I asked Sweet Face for his forgiveness.
Then it was Peanut's turn. See throughout my days I wrong that sweet little girl many times, and apologize often. The two of us bump heads, and argue, and we are so much a like, and she is so smart and mature, that I often forget she is only four, and I expect too much. I lose my temper too easily, and I ask for her forgiveness too often. This is something God is really working on me about, and I can't wait for the end result, because I just want to love her, and hug her, and have things be good. I want to learn to be a better Momma to her, to both my kids.
So, I called her into my room. I held her in my arms, and began to cry. "I love you Peanut, so much. And I am so sorry for saying that. I am sorry for all the things I say or do that hurt you. I have been asking for God's help, and I know that with His help, I am going to be a better momma to you. I hope that you forgive me."
And isn't that the beauty of kids. They are a constant reminder of God's grace, because no matter how we treat them, they always forgive us. Both of those kids forgave me, even though I just moments ago, ripped there little hearts out. I didn't deserve their forgiveness, and I would probably make the same mistake again, but they continue to forgive me, and love me, over and over again. Remind you of anyone?
That night I said a long prayer to the Lord. "Father God, please forgive me. I thank you Lord for your forgiveness, and your grace. I thank you for your guidance and your love, and I ask that you give me more of your love. Lord, I ask that you block Sweet Face and Peanut, and even Husband's hearts from the things that I say or do, that could cause permanent damage, while I learn to be a better wife and mother. Lord I thank you for the helping me better. I thanks you for your patience.. Lord, I ask that you show me how to be a better mother to each child, and how to be your light and love to them. I ask that you show me how to be a better wife, even on the days that Husband doesn't deserve it, because You matched me up with them. Lord I thank you for giving me this family, and though I don't show my gratitude often, I am so thankful. Lord I know that you entrusted me with these children to teach them right, to bring them up in your light, so they can learn to be little soldiers shining with your love, and I promise I will try harder, but Lord, I need your help, your strength, your patience, your love, your guidance. And I thank you Lord for always forgiving me, always loving me, always helping me when I ask. I love you Lord Jesus and I thank you for everything you have done, for everything you are doing, and everything you will do for me, and my family, and the rest of the world. In Jesus Name, Amen"
I by no means am the perfect mother, and I know that horrible mistakes will be made. And while I really didn't want to post this, I knew I had to. I never really intended to be this honest, but who am I to argue with the creator of ALL things? I know that with God's grace, I will become a better wife and mother. Everyday, I can feel it happening, and I am thankful!
Thank u for sharing I love u girl!!! Thank u for sharing this it blessed me to no I'm not alone in this. U are blessing so many families!!!
ReplyDelete