Yesterday, I was at my Mom's house, and cleaned out my cubby hole in my old bedroom. I literally found every note anyone has written me, since seventh grade. I found every journal I have every kept. (24 total, not including the one I am currently writing in) It was nice to see them. Many were kind gifts from good friends, and the words kept in them were from a completely confused teenager of the young age of thirteen, to where I am now. (Still very much confused if I were to be honest) It is my life, recorded from my mind. And the love I had from others, recorded from theirs.
I thought the notes would be so neat to read. I opened a few with excitement, and as the letters unopened and revealed many secrets, what I felt was not excitement. Instead tears streamed down my face, as I read the dedicated words, of many heartfelt boyfriends. What I realized was how many people I have hurt in my young life.
I can't say that I hurt any of these people on purpose, but maybe that's what makes it so horrible. That I was so mean, and it wasn't intentional. I now feel as though I owe each person that comes to mind and apology, and an explanation.
There were these letters from this guy, who we will call Einstein. (He was one of the smartest people I had ever met) I remember being with Einstein clearly. I was seventeen, and he was 20, almost 21. We had dated a couple times before, but nothing serious. And when we started dating the last time, it got serious fast. Even the way we began dating was wrong. I was just getting out of a year and a half relationship with someone else, who I hurt, and moved right into Einstein's arms. It had disaster written all over it.
Einstein was a recovering alcoholic, and at seventeen, I thought I could handle that. He was intense, and loved me quickly. I am not sure what it was he loved about me, maybe I gave him a sense of security, or because I seemed to love him for who he was. I don't know, but he spent many sleepless nights writing to me, to make sure I knew how he felt about me. His words of course, were laced with so much genius, it simple letters made me feel smarter. (I am sure they should have had the opposite effect, but he was good at making me feel good)
But alas, his problems were grown up problems, even at 20. And though I was m ore grown up than I should have been, my emotions were not quite as developed. Looking back at it now, 20 wasn't so far off from when I got pregnant with Sweet Face, and committed my life to Husband, but at 17 I wasn't ready, and Einstein was. Or at least he wanted to be. At seventeen I wasn't ready for the intensity that relationship was, and I hurt him. I broke it off, in an immature way, and was mean. I never explained anything, maybe I wasn't really sure why it wouldn't work, but I am positive that I blamed it all on him. He did have some serious problems and after our break up, his life spiraled down. We didn't stay in contact, and our lives seemed to move on. But I always kept Einstein close to my heart. However, the way I remembered him, was from the perception of a seventeen girl, and now after reading his letters, I see home from a thirty year old woman.
I have come to realize, just how much I have hurt the people in my life. People that I loved. And most of the time, it was just because I was incredibly selfish. I have said horrible things, and done thoughtless, heartless things. I am so glad I found these, I obviously don't feel great about how I lived my life, and I want to make amends. Even if the other people don't really care. This watching what you say an dhow you say it thing has been tricky for me, but with this challenge, God has brought some much more to light for me. It's not necessarily my words that I need to change, but my attitude, and the way I see other people!
I am a work in very slow progress, but I am so glad I get to share it with you!
I thought the notes would be so neat to read. I opened a few with excitement, and as the letters unopened and revealed many secrets, what I felt was not excitement. Instead tears streamed down my face, as I read the dedicated words, of many heartfelt boyfriends. What I realized was how many people I have hurt in my young life.
I can't say that I hurt any of these people on purpose, but maybe that's what makes it so horrible. That I was so mean, and it wasn't intentional. I now feel as though I owe each person that comes to mind and apology, and an explanation.
There were these letters from this guy, who we will call Einstein. (He was one of the smartest people I had ever met) I remember being with Einstein clearly. I was seventeen, and he was 20, almost 21. We had dated a couple times before, but nothing serious. And when we started dating the last time, it got serious fast. Even the way we began dating was wrong. I was just getting out of a year and a half relationship with someone else, who I hurt, and moved right into Einstein's arms. It had disaster written all over it.
Einstein was a recovering alcoholic, and at seventeen, I thought I could handle that. He was intense, and loved me quickly. I am not sure what it was he loved about me, maybe I gave him a sense of security, or because I seemed to love him for who he was. I don't know, but he spent many sleepless nights writing to me, to make sure I knew how he felt about me. His words of course, were laced with so much genius, it simple letters made me feel smarter. (I am sure they should have had the opposite effect, but he was good at making me feel good)
But alas, his problems were grown up problems, even at 20. And though I was m ore grown up than I should have been, my emotions were not quite as developed. Looking back at it now, 20 wasn't so far off from when I got pregnant with Sweet Face, and committed my life to Husband, but at 17 I wasn't ready, and Einstein was. Or at least he wanted to be. At seventeen I wasn't ready for the intensity that relationship was, and I hurt him. I broke it off, in an immature way, and was mean. I never explained anything, maybe I wasn't really sure why it wouldn't work, but I am positive that I blamed it all on him. He did have some serious problems and after our break up, his life spiraled down. We didn't stay in contact, and our lives seemed to move on. But I always kept Einstein close to my heart. However, the way I remembered him, was from the perception of a seventeen girl, and now after reading his letters, I see home from a thirty year old woman.
I have come to realize, just how much I have hurt the people in my life. People that I loved. And most of the time, it was just because I was incredibly selfish. I have said horrible things, and done thoughtless, heartless things. I am so glad I found these, I obviously don't feel great about how I lived my life, and I want to make amends. Even if the other people don't really care. This watching what you say an dhow you say it thing has been tricky for me, but with this challenge, God has brought some much more to light for me. It's not necessarily my words that I need to change, but my attitude, and the way I see other people!
I am a work in very slow progress, but I am so glad I get to share it with you!
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