There was a time, not too far from now, when I thought my biggest sin to over come was gossip. Listening, spreading, talking negatively about people, complaining, etc. etc. etc... Recently I have discovered that my biggest sin to conquer is the sin of worry, anxiety, and fear. "that's not a sin" was my first reaction in the unveiling of my treachory. I can't help it. I was born a worrier. and it isn't even a big deal, who i am I hurting by worrying? I have always worried!
And that's true. For as long as my memory goes I worried. I worried about my parents, about my younger sister, I worried about nightmares, school, germs, other people, money, grades... Even more recently I worry about getting sick. No not terminal illness, though that is a concern, but it is vomiting, catching a cold... Just not feeling well. I am parlayzed by this fear.
I haven't eaten in weeks, which causes me not to feel well. I can't sleep, because I am too consumed with the fear of waking to get sick. I am actually AFRAID to eat, because it will make me sick. I don't want to make any commitments because I am afraid I will be sick that day. I don't want to leave the house, because I don't ant to get sick while I am out, and then be stuck in Walmart, with no way home. I am afraid to be alone, because if I get sick, I can't take care of my children, or myself. I have barely cleaned, or done laundry. I pretty much lay in bed, clutching my bible and crying.
Yesterday I even woke up and wasn't going to go to church. I didn't feel good, and was afraid. I don't even know of what at that point. Just afraid. But even in my haze I know that if you don't feel like going to church, that's when you should be there the most! SO I called my sweet niece because I knew she could talk me into going, and I dragged myself out of bed, and tried to eat. Though it took me an hour to finish a small apple, and a half an hour to get down a bowl of soup, I did eat something. I packed a few chamomile tea bags into my pocket and made my way to church with the kiddos. (Husband was already there, it was his first day as an usher! ;)) We pulled in, and I was feeling pretty good! The devil wasn't going to keep me from church that was for sure! And as I walked in, I was consumed with fear, and feelings of depression. And then the tears came.
Of course my tears were welcomed with sympathetic hugs, and love, but I feel stupid. Husband found me and kissed me, and told me he was glad I was here! And held me for a bit. The Pastor showed me bible scriptures, and friends held me up, and I saw God's love, and his strength in the people I call family!
When church was over, i finally did eat, and went home.I was exhausted from crying, and not sleeping and I just wanted to lay down. Husband curled up beside me, and told me that he was going to be there for me. He was sorry for all the times he wasn't there for me, but he is taking this as a lesson for him too. He is going to be there, and we are going to be closer, and that he wants me to be the man God wants him to be, the man I NEED him to be!
Now if I have to be real, and I promised I would be. Husband hasn't really been there for me, and him even saying it, meant a lot, but he has been trying to help. So it is a big deal. I went to bed feeling pretty good....
Then the morning came. My stomach began to hurt and I panicked. The rest of this day can be better said in an email I sent to a dear friend of mine
And that's true. For as long as my memory goes I worried. I worried about my parents, about my younger sister, I worried about nightmares, school, germs, other people, money, grades... Even more recently I worry about getting sick. No not terminal illness, though that is a concern, but it is vomiting, catching a cold... Just not feeling well. I am parlayzed by this fear.
I haven't eaten in weeks, which causes me not to feel well. I can't sleep, because I am too consumed with the fear of waking to get sick. I am actually AFRAID to eat, because it will make me sick. I don't want to make any commitments because I am afraid I will be sick that day. I don't want to leave the house, because I don't ant to get sick while I am out, and then be stuck in Walmart, with no way home. I am afraid to be alone, because if I get sick, I can't take care of my children, or myself. I have barely cleaned, or done laundry. I pretty much lay in bed, clutching my bible and crying.
Yesterday I even woke up and wasn't going to go to church. I didn't feel good, and was afraid. I don't even know of what at that point. Just afraid. But even in my haze I know that if you don't feel like going to church, that's when you should be there the most! SO I called my sweet niece because I knew she could talk me into going, and I dragged myself out of bed, and tried to eat. Though it took me an hour to finish a small apple, and a half an hour to get down a bowl of soup, I did eat something. I packed a few chamomile tea bags into my pocket and made my way to church with the kiddos. (Husband was already there, it was his first day as an usher! ;)) We pulled in, and I was feeling pretty good! The devil wasn't going to keep me from church that was for sure! And as I walked in, I was consumed with fear, and feelings of depression. And then the tears came.
Of course my tears were welcomed with sympathetic hugs, and love, but I feel stupid. Husband found me and kissed me, and told me he was glad I was here! And held me for a bit. The Pastor showed me bible scriptures, and friends held me up, and I saw God's love, and his strength in the people I call family!
When church was over, i finally did eat, and went home.I was exhausted from crying, and not sleeping and I just wanted to lay down. Husband curled up beside me, and told me that he was going to be there for me. He was sorry for all the times he wasn't there for me, but he is taking this as a lesson for him too. He is going to be there, and we are going to be closer, and that he wants me to be the man God wants him to be, the man I NEED him to be!
Now if I have to be real, and I promised I would be. Husband hasn't really been there for me, and him even saying it, meant a lot, but he has been trying to help. So it is a big deal. I went to bed feeling pretty good....
Then the morning came. My stomach began to hurt and I panicked. The rest of this day can be better said in an email I sent to a dear friend of mine
I have to admit that I am really struggling, and I keep going back to the verse that says "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."
I say that over and over again, while I pull myself out of bed. Through all of this, a few good things have happened. I'm only 7 lbs away from my goal weight, lol. I quit drinking coffee, because I was worried it would be too hard on my belly! And I know that when this is over, SOON, that my life and my families life is going to be amazing. My tears are going to turn into songs of joy. There has been a lot of tears, and I EXPECT even more joy!
I don't know why I laid all that on you. I guess because you listened.... Once again, I don't think I was in charge of the typing. I am not used to talking about things, like this. Not really. Complaining, I'm good at that, but this is different. I guess God is preparing me for all sorts of things. I can see that this is bringing Greg and I closer. That it is putting Him into a stronger role as leader. I only hope that when it gets hard for him he finds help and support and strength that he needs. I know that I will be able to help my children, and other children deal with their fears, and worries. I know that Jesus and I are going to be closer than we ever were before. I know that this battle, is going to be won, because Jesus is in me, and he already won when he rose from the grave! "If our God is for us (me) than what could ever stop us (me). And if our God is with us (me, than what could stand against?"
Thanks You, even if you don't care, or want to hear about it, thanks for doing it anyways. I think this is going to open a lot of friendships for me too. I guess its good to look vulnerable, sometimes. See, I am learning a lot already! Praise God! I don't think this is going to last for years, because I don't fight with God often. I want more than anything to please him, and I am willing to do whatever he wants me to do! I fell him, even in this. I know he is here, spreading his love on me, no matter what the devil tries to tell me. I feel his love and his security, and each day gets a little easier.... I even vacuumed the floor today, and did a load of laundry. That's the first time in a long time! It sounds dumb, but it was so empowering. I guess because I know that with God, I can do it. I can over come, and I know, I have always known that He will never give me more than I can handle. This time I need to do it in His strength, not my own! It's going to be good. I do know that much!
Point is, what I am going through his horrible, I can't even pretend it isn't, but I know that I am going to make it. That I can make it with His strength. It is time for me to let go, and let him take control! And I realize that this battle has already been won. And that as long as I can hide myself in our Lord and savior, I will be fine! He is the greatest armor, I will ever need!
I hope that any one who might be struggling, remembers these things, and in my struggles I will continue to remember these. Even if every morning starts out, my days get better and easier. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I am giving that worry to God. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34.
But for today, I am going to cast my cares on the Lord. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22
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