Today is more of a struggle. It took a lot of panic and praying to get out of bed this morning. I've never felt more alone. I know that I have all this love around me, but I feel trapped, like a prisoner to fear. It controls every move I make. I want this to be over so badly, I can't breath. I feel insane, and sick. I am so afraid to go to sleep at night, because then I have to wake up and face another day!
Today I have to leave the house. And be gone most of the day. I just want to crawl back into my bed, and have Husband hold me, and take care of me, and tell me, I never have to leave again. But I do.
You know when you are in a dark room after watching a scary movie, and you hear a noise? That feeling you get? That;s the best way I can describe, how I feel ALL the time. Before I eat, or sleep, or leave. While I am watching T.V. or reading. The only thing that brings any comfort is finding Bible verses that address fear, and strength, and peace, and worry.
I keep telling myself that this will be over soon, then I cry out to God to take it now! I can't handle it. Then I realize I am not supposed to be the one handling it. That I can hide in him.
It's a constant battle between me, Satan, me, and God, and me. I feel useless to everyone around me. Especially the kiddos. All I can do is pray that God will shield there hearts, so that they don't remember this time of struggle, and that it doesn't effect them in a negative way, and then I have to expect that he will honor that prayer!
I do feel Him in all of this. And I know that I am doing what He wants. I just wish it could be faster, and over. I just want to feel normal. But I have to keep pushing myself. And remember what he tells us to do. "Cast your cares unto the Lord and he will sustain you!" Psalm 55:22 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14 and I need to keep confessing with my mouth, what the end result is!
"I am free from fear. I am free from worries, and all anxiety. I can eat without fear. I am healthy and healed. My headaches and stomach troubles are gone. I am a better person, mother, friend, wife, daughter, and Christian. I laugh hard, and love harder. I am generous and free. I am closer to our Lord Jesus, and we have an amazing relationship. I am at peace, when people see me, they wonder what my secret is. I am God's light, bright and illuminating, ready to do His work, without any fear or reservations.
I kiss my children without panic of their germs. I hug them, only feeling their joy and love. I spend quality time with them, enjoying the little time I have with them as kids, instead of fearing what they may or may not have picked up, or feeling sick, because I am worried, and having to go to bed. I am free. I enjoy my Husband, and his company. I am one with God, and I feel His hand on everything I do. I hear Him without question, and I obey. I realize that this was never my battle because Jesus already won. He defeated Satan, and sin, and fear and illness, when he died on the cross for ME. When He rose again, for ME. He loves ME. He chose ME, and he answers ME! I have Jesus on my side, and nothing could defeat me. He i fighting this battle, and he picks me up BEFORE I fall!"
And I have to remember that "Those who sow in tears, will reap songs of joy!" Psalm 126:5
There WILL be lots of songs of joy!
Today I have to leave the house. And be gone most of the day. I just want to crawl back into my bed, and have Husband hold me, and take care of me, and tell me, I never have to leave again. But I do.
You know when you are in a dark room after watching a scary movie, and you hear a noise? That feeling you get? That;s the best way I can describe, how I feel ALL the time. Before I eat, or sleep, or leave. While I am watching T.V. or reading. The only thing that brings any comfort is finding Bible verses that address fear, and strength, and peace, and worry.
I keep telling myself that this will be over soon, then I cry out to God to take it now! I can't handle it. Then I realize I am not supposed to be the one handling it. That I can hide in him.
It's a constant battle between me, Satan, me, and God, and me. I feel useless to everyone around me. Especially the kiddos. All I can do is pray that God will shield there hearts, so that they don't remember this time of struggle, and that it doesn't effect them in a negative way, and then I have to expect that he will honor that prayer!
I do feel Him in all of this. And I know that I am doing what He wants. I just wish it could be faster, and over. I just want to feel normal. But I have to keep pushing myself. And remember what he tells us to do. "Cast your cares unto the Lord and he will sustain you!" Psalm 55:22 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14 and I need to keep confessing with my mouth, what the end result is!
"I am free from fear. I am free from worries, and all anxiety. I can eat without fear. I am healthy and healed. My headaches and stomach troubles are gone. I am a better person, mother, friend, wife, daughter, and Christian. I laugh hard, and love harder. I am generous and free. I am closer to our Lord Jesus, and we have an amazing relationship. I am at peace, when people see me, they wonder what my secret is. I am God's light, bright and illuminating, ready to do His work, without any fear or reservations.
I kiss my children without panic of their germs. I hug them, only feeling their joy and love. I spend quality time with them, enjoying the little time I have with them as kids, instead of fearing what they may or may not have picked up, or feeling sick, because I am worried, and having to go to bed. I am free. I enjoy my Husband, and his company. I am one with God, and I feel His hand on everything I do. I hear Him without question, and I obey. I realize that this was never my battle because Jesus already won. He defeated Satan, and sin, and fear and illness, when he died on the cross for ME. When He rose again, for ME. He loves ME. He chose ME, and he answers ME! I have Jesus on my side, and nothing could defeat me. He i fighting this battle, and he picks me up BEFORE I fall!"
And I have to remember that "Those who sow in tears, will reap songs of joy!" Psalm 126:5
There WILL be lots of songs of joy!
Keep fighting, Liz. All things will work together for your good, because you love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
ReplyDeleteFor this very reason, blogs are great. They allow you the room to write like this, while giving you the ability to look back and see all that God has faithfully done in your life. Plus, I know many others who share you struggle will be blessed as they read what you have written along this whole season of your life.
My heart aches for you Liz. I have been praying for all of these battles the enemy is raging on you but just as Amy said above "You are called for His purpose" (Romans 8:28). God has been preparing you for something through this difficult time. I believe that in my heart.
ReplyDelete6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
You have such a great testimony of faith and God will build on this. Keep up the good fight, I am sure what's waiting on the other side is the brightest sunshine you've ever seen! <3